


Supernatural Rewatch (Season 1 - 3)

by karoffelbrei89



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Archived From Tumblr, Meta, Meta Essay, Nonfiction, Supernatural meta, cross-posted from tumblr, spn meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-20 15:17:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 46
Words: 55,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17025081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karoffelbrei89/pseuds/karoffelbrei89
Summary: Ages ago I started this rewatch and truth is I will probably never finish it. But I almost made it through 3 seasons. Posting here as an archive.





	1. Chapter 1

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episodes 1x01 - 1x04

As always I’m a bit late for the party. I try to catch up though.

To be honest, I’m gonna cheat a little bit on this one. I haven’t actually rewatched all the episodes, but I rewatched season 1 to 5 within the last year, and I’m neither that old or have such a bad memory that I can’t write from what I remember watching them. Soon as we’re hitting season 6 I actually have to rewatch them, so there you go. Also I will probably refer to later episodes/seasons, so yeah this is full of spoilers for the entire series (up to 10x23).

**1x01: Pilot or The one where we fridge two women in 40 minutes, way to go**

  
And as soon as we start watching season one again, we are hit with nostalgia (Dean/Jensens voice? Wtf?). To be honest, the pilot was never my favourite (and I prefer it if the pilot episode of a show isn’t called… you know… pilot). Mostly because, apart from the scary parts, I wasn’t suprised and exicted to know what happens next. This episodes uses a lot of well known tropes, which is fair enough, because as a showrunner you don’t experiment in your first episode. Still, I remember that I was neither surprised about Marys or Jessicas death, and that says something. But lets start from the beginning.

  
Teaser and we start with a happy Winchester family (spoiler: this will never happen again). In fact, there are a picture perfect family, too good to be true, which usually spells in neon signs: BEWARE; TRAGEDY! Of course Mary had to die, because come on, the woman in the white dress, who is pictured as the saint of motherhood? It’s so obvious, it’s not even funny anymore. The one thing that really annoyed me was Johns line to Dean, „Take your brother outside as fast as you can - don’t look back. Now, Dean! Go!“. He said that to a four year old child. Like have the writers actually interact with a four year old? What kind of father would give his son the responsibility to save his baby brothers life? I know he wanted to save Mary, but still.

  
22 years later and it’s Halloween (apart from 4x07 this is like the only time they mentioned Halloween, which makes me more sad than it should). Strangely the POV here lays on Sam (the little baby has grown to a big moose), though over the years it’s been clear that the brothers story is told from Deans POV. So, Halloween, Dean comes along, hunting trip, yada yada. Over the years I forget that there actually was a motw-episode cramed into the pilot. Woman in white, classic ghost story (also Sarah Shahi, I love her). I’m not a huge fan of horror, and season one is actually quite scary. So yeah, I really liked the ghost story and overall the look of the show and the whole dark atmosphere.

  
After the job is finished (and dad was nowhere to be found) Sam has this little illusion to go back to his old life. The one with the perfect girlfriend and the job interview and if you watched as many television as I do, you just know that’s not going to happen. As Yellow Eyes later confirmes that boy needed a reason to go back into hunting. 

  
The thing about Mary and Jess is, that there are no real characters. The little we see of them just show us how perfect they are, how innocent,how undeserved their death was. Both woman in white, long blonde hair. The thing is, in male driven genre television we often get to see only two types of woman: the sinner and the saint (and I think this applies to early SPN as well, though they fortunately change this formular later). Mary and Jess are both saints. While we get to see the real Mary in season 4 & 5 (in form of her younger self), Jess remains as some sort of idea or ideal, nothing more. The few times we’re going to see her character again is in the form of a dream or hallucination, so this episode remains the only one were we see the real Jess.   
Apart from that my favourite scene is the one in the car, debatting the music. If there was one thing I liked from the very start, it was the music.  
Also, home of the famous „no chick-flick moments“-line. Oh, the irony.

  
Off we go to Wendigo.

 

**1x02 Wendigo or The one where Dean says the thing**

  
By now I think the „family business“-line only became a somewhat catchphrase of the show because after this episode it was repeated in every recap of season 1. Anyway, the episode itself was rather unspectacular, mostly because I thought the Wendigo wasn’t that scary. I like its origin story – once a human they become things, monsters. Probably the first time the show deals with the theme of where does the human end, where does the monster start. But at least with the Wendigos it appears once they turn, there is nothing left but a monster, simple black/white moral we see a lot in the first season. 

  
Another theme of this episode is family. Of course the story centers around a young woman searching her brother. Something we will see a lot in season one, victims whose stories revolve around family issues and relationships between family members. 

  
And than there is Sam who is driven by revenge and wants to find their dad asap, even considering abandoning the people who need their help. We will see this behaviour again, in season 4 and 10 after he lost Dean and/or tries to save him. Sams total focus on the one thing, ignoring the consquences. Ironically therefore he resembles his father more than he probably wants.  
All in all a solid episode, but like I said not that scary, but that’s maybe because I don’t do camping, therefore the whole monster in the forrest trope doesn’t creep me out a lot.

 

**1x03 Dead in the water or The one where Dean is actually great with kids**

  
Now creepy ghost children are more my thing. The part where the ghost grabs the little boy and drags him under water? Still gives me chills. I liked the whole atmosphere of the small town and this group of people who obviously had a secret and now they have to pay for what they did. 

  
I realize now how many of the themes we will see again and again over the years are already established in those early episodes. One of them of course is Dean and children. If you think about it, it’s kinda obvious that Dean is good with children, after all he practilly raised Sam. And of course it’s Sam who doesn’t believe Dean is interested in kids or knows how to interact with them, because at this point oft he story he hasn’t realized yet how much his older brother has sacrificed for him, how much more he was a parent rather than a brother.   
So here we have Dean, connecting with Lucas like nobody else could, because he knows the feeling of losing a parent at this age. And now I image little Dean, being mute for days or maybe weeks, because there are no words for that feeling inside of him. 

  
Dean kinda starts as this shallow character, and though it is clear from the beginning that there is more to him this is the first time we actually see this.  
Also Amy Acker <3

 

**1x04 Phantom Traveller or The one that shows us this show has a continuity problem**

  
Over the years you get a certain idea about what demons are in the world of Spn and what they are not. And then you go back watching this episode where demons are first introduced and realized this show didn’t stick to their own mythology. Really, this demon is certainly a special case. It posseses through the eyes rather than through the mouth and has an affinity for people who are scared though later we see demons who can posses anyone as long as they are not protected through a charm or tattoo. Also in this episode it is stated that certain demons are responsible for certain catastrophes, like the one in the episode who has a thing for airplane crashes. And of course „Christo“ (which isn’t actually the latin word for god), used once, never returns. It won’t be the last time the show has a problem with continuity (especially i fit comes down to mythology), but for me it really feels like once they decided to use demons more regular they invented a new mythology for them and this episode doesn’t really count.

  
Apart from that there isn’t really much to say. I thought Deans face during the almost crash was rather hilirious. I totally diged his home-made emf-meter. And of course this episode contains two moments of „Oh, the irony“: 1. Dean vs the suit, he is going to be a lot more comfartable in these over the years; 2. Demons are a big gig in here, like sometimes I forget there was a world where demon possesion wasn’t average. 

  
Also Dean lying half naked in bed. I liked that. I liked that a lot.


	2. 1x05 - 1x08

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episodes 1x05 - 1x08

Spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

**1x05 Bloody Mary or The one where we learn something about guilt**

  
I really liked that episode, for one thing because the moftw was rather scary, but also because of the psychological aspect of this story.

  
First of all, the monster. As the brothers mentioned, there is a lot of folklore about mirrors, and there is a lot you could write about the symbolic use of mirrors in storytelling (and lately in season 9 and 10 we’ve seen them a lot). Mirrors in the horror genre are scary, well, at least for me (also the visual concept of Mary in this episode is brilliantly frightening). This of course has something to do with our believe that mirrors show the world as it is, they only reflect what is there. The moment they show something that isn’t there something is really wrong. That can go both ways, a lot of folklore on vampires states that they can not be seen in mirrors, here we have the opposite: a ghost that can only be seen in mirrors. And seeing as a mirror is suppose to show the truth, this mirror ghost attacks people who are keeping secrets. And this of course opens the perfect opportunity to explore the aspect of guilt and relating to the plot revealing Sams secret. 

  
Mary attacks when she thinks the person in front of a mirror is guilty. I don’t know if she has the ability to sense that they are keeping a secret or if she can sense if a person feels guilty. Because being guilty and feeling guilty are two very different things. Charlie wasn’t responsible for her boyfriends death, but she felt like this regardless. Same goes somewhat for Sam. The question this episode aks is should Sam have acted after his dreams? I’m not sure how much Sam knows about the death of his mother prior 1x01, considering the gruesome details of her death. If he knew, he could have the thought his dreams are caused by his fear his fathers destiny will happen to him as well. Even if he didn’t know he could have thought the same thing, although the way Mary and Jess died is rather unusual (so far we know only Yellow Eyes killed that way) and demons aren’t a big deal at this time. And Sam of course is aware of the world of the supernatural. Should he have done more to protect Jess? He certainly feels this way, and there is no right answer here (though years later, when he was with Amelia, being aware of the danger of his former hunter life, he should have at least draw a damn devils trap under their carpet). Years later, Sam will still feels this guilt, deep down to his bones, as if it is a part of him. Jess death and his part in it is the first point of a long list Sam always carries around with him. And that of course is the reason he is ever so willing to sacrifice himself, trying to pay for his sins. 

 

**1x06 Skin or The one where we finally get to see some Winchester flesh, but not in a way we expected**

  
Man , I really liked this episode. And it starts right with the teaser. Of course we know that there is something about this scene that is off, that there is more to the story and nothing quite as it seems. But still, the framing, the song (I love this song), everything about it is great.

  
This episode tells us a lot about both brothers, and their relationship, plus it has a rather fascinating monster. We start with Sam getting a mail from an old college friend, learning he still keeps contact with them. I tried to imagining how they saw Sam, the quiet boy who probably never talked much about his past or family, always willing to help, but somehow a mystery. And then Jess died and he just left, roadtripping with an older brother he never or rarely mentioned (at least this is my headcanon). And then we have Dean, who thinks it’s weird Sam kept in contact with his college friends. It creates some sort of „Us vs the rest oft he world“-situation. There are some people who know – hunters, men of letters, some civilians – and then there is the majority who doesn’t know, and creates some sort of barrier. Sam tried to overcome this barrier, tried to live a normal life, and at this point of the story he still thinks maybe he can return to this life once they found their dad and revenged Jess and their mothers death. But at the end of the episode Sam admits he never really fit in, knowning this barrier still exits, lying to everyone around him. Dean on the other hand uses the barrier as an excuse for not getting too close to people. Dean has accepted his life as a hunter already (though as we learn in this episode that doesn’t mean he never wanted something else from his life), more so, he identifies himself with being a hunter, so much that he thinks he can’t be anything else. He finds his purpose in hunting. Over the years we will see the brothers attempting the apple pie life, realising that they can’t stop being a hunter, but also realising that maybe they want more from life, and hopefully they will find some balance in the end.

  
I always found the shifter to be a rather fascinating monster. Like I mentioned in my rewatch for 1x02 I thought the wendigo was a rather lame monster, because it was just this, a monster. But fortunately Spn deals rather often with some sort of human monsters: monsters who have been human once (vampires, demons, ghosts etc) or are still human (werewolves) or in this case look human. And with their connection to humanity they vey often tell us something about being human. In case of the shifters they don’t only look like you, they download your memories, they can become you (think about it: people close to you could be shifters and you wouldn’t even know). I never quite understand why the shifter in the episode had to kill. Killing the person he shifted into makes sense, but killing their loved ones, framing them for murder? Shifters don’t have to kill, like they don’t feed on human flesh or anything. So I think the reason this shifter killed is more a psychological one. It may looks human, but it isn’t. Always feeling like a freak. And well, talk about identity issues. How do you figure out who you are, without a gender or race? When they download their victims memories do they still keep their own? How about personal preferences? The shifter says (as Dean) that he just wants to be loved and I think it actually meant that. They want the feeling that they belong somewhere, that someone accepts them as they are. They feel lonely, like freaks who don’t fit in, making a paralell for both brothers.

  
Because here we have the shifter, revealing something about Dean he propbably wouldn’t have admit by himself. That the reason he was so angry with Sam after he left for Standford was partly caused by jeaulousy. By having dreams of his own, but the loyalty to his family was always bigger. We will learn in 9x07 that one oft he reaons he gave up those dreams is Sam. Dean felt he had a responsibility to his family, to take care of everyone, his father and his younger brother. And then his brother left, making Dean believe Sam didn’t feel the same way for his family, for Dean. And of course feeding Deans abadonment issues. When his dad leaves him as well, Dean probably hit a low point, which kind of explains his sometimes desperate need for his brother in his life. And in the end Dean kills the shifter who looks like him, killing metaphorical himself, which is quite telling after an episode where we explored Deans low self worth. 

  
This episode teaches us a lot: that Dean is a huge nerd (don’t think we forget about your Star Trek reference), that Sam has a lame email-adress (lawboy@standford.edu, really Sam?) and that the life of a hunter comes with a lot of sacrificies.

  
Also this markst he first time Dean dies, yeah.

 

**  
1x07 Hook man or The one where we threw in way too much clichees about preachers daughters**

  
I think this episode is OK. A classic urban legend/horror story. But there was something about the way Lori was written/portrayed. She feels much more like a cardboard character, there is no real twist to her or the story. And the whole story is based on her morals. I get that Lori never wanted anyone to die, even if she thought those people have done something wrong (other than Sue-Ann in 1x12). And once she realised she was responsible for those deaths she wanted herself to turn in. The thing is when you write a story that focus on religion/religious people there is always the risk to put in too many clichees. That been said, I don’t think it was a bad episode. I like the bonding scene between Lori and Sam, both feeling cursed, both believing they are the reason people in their life leave or die. But I think this episode had the potential to be more.

  
On a side note, this is the first time angels are mentioned, interstingly enough as avening angels. I think that other than 2x13 this is the only time before season 4 that they are mentioned, but both times not in the form as guardin angels but rather as warriors in the name of god, rather fitting to the way we will see them later portayed in the show.

 

**  
1x08 Bugs or The one even Chuck admits was bad**

  
It is quite telling if even the show admits that wasn’t actually one of their best episodes. I do think they had worse, but yeah, it is quite bad. The whole thing about the insects was rather creepy than scary and then there is of course the big plot hole at the end where the sun rises way too fast in TV land and just like that the curse is broken. Also the story about the native Americans is full of clichees and I get why some people think this episode is rather racist. 

  
What is more interessting is the brothers relationship to their father. Sam bonds with Matt, seeing himself in him. It is interessting that both Winchesters think they are a dissapointment to their father (way to go John Winchester). Dean believing the reason his father left because he wasn’t good enough (something we learned on 1x06) although he always did what he was told to do, being the good son. Sam on the other hand always felt out of place in his family, trying to have a normal life, feeling his father never cared for his wishes and being misunderstood. I think the way Deans relationship with his father is portrayed here (and in later epsisodes as well) resembles rather that of a soldier than a son. I do believe Sam had respect for his father and that he understood why they were living this life, though now more than back then as a child/teenager (and over the years, the longer Sam lives the life as a hunter, he becomes in certain aspects more and more like his father). But John didn’t respect that Sam (and Dean) had dreams of his own, that he wanted a different life. And I don’t think it was that much about Sam safety (because Sam was safe at Stanford, what happened to him and Jess nobody could have prevented, at least not with the knowledge they had back then). John was putting his drive for revenge over his sons, raising them to be hunters, never giving them the choice to become something else. And at times risking their lives (leaving two kids alone for days/weeks is putting them in danger). So the whole ephany Sam has in this episode, that maybe his father was right and he wants to apologize leaves a rather bad taste in my mouth.

  
Other than that, I of course headcanon that Matt later becomes Samandiriels vessel (poor Matt).

  
Aaaaand Dean and the steam shower, we always knew that boy is high maintenance. 

  
Also this ist he first time Sam and Dean are mistaken as gay couple. The thing is that at least when it comes down to Wincest I don’t personaly see it as queer baiting, giving the fact that I don’t think there is a real possibility this ship ever becomes canon (this isn’t GoT after all). I do think it makes sense within the story people mistake them for a couple, because I don’t think they look like brothers and people probably assumes you would rather roadtrip/share a room with your boyfriend than your brother (I also never blamed Mrs. Hudson for thinking Sherlock and John are a couple, after all they live and work together). And speaking about queer baiting in general: I don’t think we can blame the show while it is still running, so yeah, only time will tell.


	3. 1x09 - 1x11

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episodes 1x09 - 1x11

Spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

**1x09 Home or The one who left us with way too much feelings**

  
Halfway into the season and this is the first episode that is a real gamechanger. Because know we know that Sams dreams about Jess death weren’t just a coincidence but rather visions. Dean of course is a little freaked out when he realises his brother might be a little bit different. The thing about a lot of genre shows is that ever so often we meet protagonists who are somewhat special and/or destined to become great things. They are normal dudes until they learn they are not, often combined with giving them a special ability. Spn doesn’t start like these, asuming from the pilot it seems as Yellow Eyes only wanted to kill infants and we only learn later that he gave Sam some of his blood. So we start this show thinking the Winchesters are just normal guys, who become the victims of a supernatural force and fight them without any special abilitys. This explains also a lot of their black/white-moral. But now Sam is no longer normal, he has an ability that can’t be explained and it is no longer us vs them. Having visions isn’t a evil thing per se and I think the writers gave this ability to Sam on purpose, seeing as there is no way to abuse this power (well maybe if you don’t try to help the people in your visions). And with making Sam something special, everyone (Sam & Dean & the viewers) have to redefine their morality. It is also quite interessting that while Sam very often is the character the mytharc centers around, this show is told from Deans POV (most genre shows use the mytharc-character as POV). 

  
We then return to Lawrence, learning it is the first time since their motherts death. It kinda makes sense, seeing that of course John & Mary lived there for a while, had neighbours, colleagues, friends etc. Returning would have meant a lot of questions, as would have staying in contact with some of them. I think it is fair to assume that Dean learned from his father to isolate himself and their family, to seperate the world into people who know and the people who don’t, and try not to get too close to any of them. 

  
Seeing as their family photos were still in their old house (why didn’t John take them with him?) I get this feeling they hardly ever talked about Mary. Sam has no memory of her and Dean only little, and seeing as he was four when she died his image of her is rather unrealistic and idolized. Also Sam didn’t know it was Dean who carried him out of their burning house, so I guess their mothers death was a big taboo.

  
We then meet Missouri, and yeah I liked her, but that’s maybe Lorreta Devines fault. The plain motw-aspect of this episode is creepy, the monky, the fridge etc. And then there is Mary, still portayed as a saint rather than a real person, sacrifcing herself (or rather her ghost) to protect her boys. And telling Sam that she is sorry, a sentence that only makes sense after we learned in 4x03 that Mary made a deal. 

  
The most heartbreaking scene in this episode is Deans call to John, begging him for help. I think the reason Dean calls isn’t so much that their case might be connected to Marys death but rather needing the emotional support of his father. Ironically I think the reason John did come indeed is rather becaused he hoped he might find some clue who murdered his wife rather than you know, being a good dad and support his children. 

 

**1x10 Asylum or The one with the friendly ghosts (well, kinda)**

  
Season 1 really used all the clicheed horror tropes they could get, right? I don’t think there is much to say about the case here. I liked that they put a twist to the story, that not all ghost are evil. Instead the ghosts of the patients here were trapped because they became victims, trapped inside their own pain, and decades later they want nothing than that the truth is finally revealved. The evil doctor is a trope as well, but still I liked the fact that they didn’t portrayd mentally ill people as evil.

  
The more interesting aspect of this episode is the brothers story. It starts right when Sam in order to gain some information has to actually open up to the psychatrist, talking about his brother. This conversation was probably still in the back of his mind when Dr. Elicott attacks him. It is kinda sad that the only way these boys talk about some of their issues with each other is when they are under the influence of a supernatural force (like Shifter!Dean in 1x06). I think this episode needed to remind us how difficult these brothers are in order of what we will see in 1x11. And of course, after the case is solved they decide not to talk about it, though they both know that while Sam didn’t meant what he said and did (after all he actually shot at Dean) his rage was still caused by his feelings towards his brother. But then again this show wouldn’t be what it is if these boys ever talk about their feelings.

 

**1x11 Scarecrow or The one where the epic lovestory between Dean and pie takes its start**

  
Of course this love story is full of tragedy, seeing as this the first time Dean doesn’t get his pie. And who would have thought, 10 years later there exits numerous pie meta.

  
This episode starts where the last one ended, with Johns call to his sons. As I wrote, I think 1x10 worked as an prelude for this episode, the conflict between them that was introduced before comes full circle here, and this markst he first time we will see the brothers seperating. Of course the call manifets the roles Dean and Sam were given so far: Dean as the good son, doing as he is told and Sam as the rebellious son, always questioning and doubting his father. I don’t know how much of his story Eric Kripke had planed up to this point, if he already had the idea of Sam and Dean as Lucifers and Micheals vessels in his mind, and that is the reason they were introduced to us like this right from the start. Or if it was just a great coincidence. Rewatching the Kripke era I realized there is a lot of foreshading, deliberate or not, to the story that will come. Season 1 to 5 feel complete, the story has been told, and I guess the problem with season 6 and  7 was how to continue after that. Anyway, Sam and Dean, and their respective roles. I still cringe when I think about Dean believing he has to follow his fathers orders in ordert o be a good son, and believing this is the only way to get his fathers approval and love. The way Dean acts, like a soldier, they probably didn’t even need to mention John was a marine, because it is clear in the way he raised his sons. Like everytime they call him „sir“ I could punch something. It is than interesting to see that Dean later admits he wishes he could stand up to their father like Sam did. And I think while they are apart they really try to see each others point. Dean realizes that he can’t understands Sam grief and his drive for revenge, and that his brother has every right to know more about his girlfriends death. And that questioning their father doesn’t mean he loves or respects John less. Sam on the other hand realizes why Dean is so desperate to keep the family together, after all that is all they have. I think Sam has been unaware to many of the sacrificies his brother has done for him, mostly because he was too young to fully understand their life circumstances and probably because Dean left him in the dark about a lot of things, trying to give him as much of a carefree childhood as he could (while denying himself the same thing). I think a lot of Deans behaviour results in the feeling that Sam is somehow ungrateful, that he acts selfish, when he puts his desires before what is best for the family. Whereas Sam never hears the full story (from both his dad and Dean) and therefore doesn’t understand their anger in the first place.

  
There isn’t much to say about the scarecrow. I think this is the first time the show introduces a deity, interesting enough a pagan god. The sacrifice of one for the greater good is of course a theme we will see again and again within this show: Of course Sams sacrifice at the end of 5x22 and all the other hunters who gave their life in order to save the world. In a way even Deans current Marc-of-Cain-storyline, although he was unaware to be the one who served as a lock for the darkness.

  
But let’s talk about Meg. It just occurs to me that Meg of course was the name of the young woman she possesed, we never knew what name she had back when she was a human. The thing about her character is that right from the beginning something about her was off, the way she randomly appeared and then just has the same issues with her family as Sam did. What a great coincidence this is… not. Like rule number one, nothing in TV land is random. Meg knew exactly what she had to say to Sam, how to get him bonding with her in the easiest way. And for an one-episode-character she just seemed to get too much attention. So in a way I was revealved that in the end it turned out I was right and there was more about her. And just this scene, her making the call, Bad Company in the background, it’s epic.

  
Other than that, I think this ist he only time in 10 seasons someone sees right through Deans lame aliases. Because I still think it is rather unrealistic nobody ever finds their aliases suspicios. Maybe they’re all not into classic rock. Or not as huge nerds as Dean. We will never know.


	4. 1x12

# Spnhellatusrewatch - 1x12

Spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

 

**1x12 Faith or The one that sums up everything this show can be**

  
If I had to pick my favourite episode of season one, it would be this one. Not only my fave of the season, but one of my favourite episodes ever. This episode demostrates how good this show can be, with the questions it dares to ask and with its characterization of Dean.

  
But lets start at the beginning, where we meet a rawhead, a classic one hit wonder that is never mentioned again. As a viewer you know, this episodes doesn’t deal with the question wheter Dean will survive or not – of course he will – but rather what is the prize they are willing to pay for that. Dean of course  is rather resigned with his fate, or at least he pretends to be. It’s just then that we realize how dangerous their job actually is and I wondered how aware the boys are of the constant mortal danger they are in. Dean mentions several times over the years that hunters don’t grow old, that most of them die fighting the good fight. And in a way it seems Dean romantisices this ideal, the image of a hunter, who gives up his life to help saving people. Dying young is just part of the deal and Dean gets healed rather quickly, so he won’t have time to actually realizes what it means to die (not like season 3, where Deans mental state is pretty much like in this episode – he has accepted his fate – but the closer he gets to death the more he realizes he wants to live). Then of course there is Sams call to John and somehow the show never gave us good explanation why John never showed up despite the fact that one of his sons was dying. Seroiusly?!

  
We then meet Roy Le Grange (I just really like this name) and Dean gets healed. Dean of course doesn’t want to get choosen. He doesn’t believe he deserves to be saved. And even more interesting: asking why Roy choose to heal Dean he answers that God chose him, that he looked into his heart and saw a man whose job on earth isn’t finished. A lot of foreshading, isn’t it? The thing we learn about Dean here is that he never believed he is worthy enough to be saved. Within the context of season 4 Dean thinks of himself as a monster for what he did in hell (torturing souls), but the truth is that even before he thinks of himself and his life as not worthy enough. It is such a fundamental truth about Dean that years later one of the first things we hear Castiel say to him is „You don’t think you deserved to be saved“. Castiel who just as Roy looked into Deans heart. Both say the reason they saved Dean is because of the mission, because Dean has a job to finish – but the truth both times is more complex than that. The truth is that ultimately Dean is a good man (and in 10x23 the show asks us wheter or not this staement is still true), that his worth isn’t defined by the things he is able to do in the future, but the things he had already done in the past, wearing himself out in order to save the world maybe not in a grand scheme but little by little.

  
One of the best scenes is of course the one where we finally meet the reaper, using BÖC’s „Don’t fear the reaper“. I don’t think I ever saw a scene where the music was so fitting, as if the episode was written around the song, not the other way around.

  
In the end it turns out that Sue Ann was the one who controlled the reaper, first because she was unable to let her husband go, but later because she decided to play god. This episode asks a lot of interesting questions: if there is evil in the world can there be go(o)d too? And though it is revealved we weren’t witnessing any real miracles this question sort of is left unanswered. 

  
Does one deserves more to live than another? Why gets one saved and another not? Christianity centers around the idea that we are all equal. By revealing Sue Ann as the villian it is clear that only when humans try to play god certain people get picked out.

  
And what is the prize your willing to pay for someones life? The story start after Sue Ann is unable to let her husband die and the only reason the Winchesters encounter Roy is because Sam is unable to let Dean go. The bigger question perhaps is if Sam would have known sooner would he have still traded Deans life for another? This marks the first time one of the boys cheats death and it won’t be the last. Over the years it seems the normal rules don’t apply to the Winchesters. This is the first time someone explicit dies so that a Winchester can live. Cut to 10x23 where they are actually aware of the lives they put in danger and still can’t let go of each other.

  
The episode ends with Layla (hey there Julie Benz) and Dean and a little exchange that makes us wonder about the nature of faith. Dean is portayed as the one who doesn’t believe. He doesn’t hope againts all odds. He has seen too much bad to still believe that there can be a good thing, that sometimes miracles do happen. And it’s not until he meets Castiel – his personal miracle – that he stops to see the world like that. Take this scene and cut to season 8, where we see Dean praying, desperate, against all odds, hoping beyong hope that his angel will hear him (after loosing his faith in him at the end of season 6). Faith we learn isn’t about getting a reward, the only solace it gives is within itself. It is believing without proof, despite the doubts. And we will see this within Dean in the future, fighting even when all hope seems lost, never giving up.  
In case I haven’t mentioned it: I really love this episode.


	5. 1x13 - 1x15

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episodes 1x13 - 1x15

As always, includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23. Also includes talking about sucide and abuse. 

**1x13 Route 666 or The one where we expand our vocabulary to the word „Racist killer truck“**

  
Y’all, I think Spn is probably the only show which has episodes that are well known because of how bad they are. That being said,  don’t think it was that awful. I can see how some people think this episode is racist or portays racism rather poorly, but as I am not a POC I don’t think I am in the position to talk about it, so for the sake of this rewatch I skip this part. 

  
So about that killer truck… not really scary. I liked the part where they destroyed it through hallowed ground, something that kind of never comes up again, and Sam guessing/hoping he is right about that. For years what I remembered about this episode is that this was the first time we saw one of the boys dancing the horizontal tango, and that the scene was kinda hot. Also I liked Cassie a lot. Of course rewatching the episode I couldn’t help it to watch it through my shipper googles and if you think I watched this episode without thinking about Dean and Cas than you are on the wrong blog.

  
So Dean and Cassie. When I started watching Spn I realized very fast that this show wasn’t about shipping. Back in season 1 the only reaccuring characters were Sam and Dean and even then I thought it was rather boring, because there are only so many stories you can tell with two characters. Fortunately they introduced a lot of awesome characters over they years (unfortunately they also killed most of them), expanding the little Winchester family and telling new stories. But still the problem with shipping… somehow in those early years wincest was the only option for shipping, because the lifestyle of the brothers simply prevented any of them having a relationship. Seeing as Wincest never did a thing for me, those first years Spn was one of the only shows I watched without having an OTP (like not that I need one to get invested in a show, but I like shipping/romance). Therefore I was a little bit surprised (just as Sam) to find out, that Dean had an actual relationship in the past. Furthermore, he told Cassie who he was. Not like Sam who lied to Jess the entire time about who he was. In a way you could say that Jess died because of those lies, whereas Cassie survived. What is even more interesting is that we will see the boys repeating making those decicions. Both will have a taste of the apple life again, Dean with Lisa, Sam with Amelia. Lisa of course knew who Dean was, knew about the danger, and in the end it got her almost killed. The thing is that even if Dean would have started dating someone else in the year he believed Sam to be dead, I think that even if he wouldn’t have been honest about his past he would have still tried to protect that person (we will see in 6x01 the devils trap under the carpet and other little things Dean did to make sure Lisa and Ben were safe, and in a way to show us that deep down Dean still considered himself as a hunter). Sam on the other hand wasn’t honest to Amelia, he did nothing to protect her, he completly shut off his past (including leaving Kevin on his own). I think the reason why Sam lied to Jess (and later to Amelia although he knew better) wasn’t the family rule number one („Our big family rule number one. We do what we do and we shut up about it“) but it was more lying to himself, preteding to be John Doe more than anything else. Sam lied not because he needed to but because he wanted to, trying desperately to be someone else.

  
But I actually wanted to talk about Dean and Cassie. The fact that she dumped him after he told her the truth explains of course a lot of Deans behaviour. The one time he was honest and opened up about himself it backfired horrible. It is quite telling that Sam was surprised to find out that Dean was in a relationship, even more that he tried to do the right thing with being honest. Sam up to this point doesn’t see his brother as someone who maybe wants more from his life. We have seen this before, Sam seeing his brother in a different light. That is of course because for one thing Dean doesn’t tell Sam everything, the other is that Sam in the past was to young to fully understand certain situations or sacrificies his brother made for him. Seeing how desperately Dean tries to keep his family together it is actually not surprising to find out that he longs to be in a stable long term relationship, even more to find someone who loves him for exactly who he is. Now if we look at Cassie and then at Castiel it is quite obvious that Dean has most definetly a type (and Lisa for that matter fits in as well). Cassie is strong minded, capable to fight her own fights, doesn’t mind to kick Deans ass. She doesn’t necassarily need Dean, she is with him because she wants to. In this genre we rather often get to see the damsel in distress, and Cassie most defenitly isn’t that. And that’s quite significant for Dean, she doesn’t need him but she wants him anyway. I think this also applies to Cas and Dean. Of course by now we have Dean vocalize more than one time that he needs Cas, but I think it is important to notice that this applies to needing him as an emotional support rather than to save him with his powers (the fact that Dean in the early stages of their relationship used Cas rather than a tool than anything else still hangs over them, Cas still questioning his importance in Deans life, especially when he became human). The fact that Dean admitted to need someone in the first place is a big progress in the first place (of course Cas leaving him almost immediately after that is two steps back). So yeah, Dean and Cassies relationship tell us a lot about Dean, about what kind of people he feels attracted to ect. Also when Cassie asks why Dean told her to truth he tells her he couldn’t lie to her. Again I think Dean is honest to Cas in a way he hardly is with anyone else (including Sam). Also the fact that Cassie and Cas almost share the same name is one big cosmic joke.

  
Instead of talking about the episode this is a big ramble about Destiel. Basically I want Cassie back for one episode, seeing Dean and Cas acting like the old married couple that they are, and coming to her own conclusion (and giving Dean some advice).

  
Also at the end they used Blind Faiths „Can’t find my way home“ and I liked that song and downloaded it and then they used it at the end of 9x23 and it became the saddest song ever, like wtf Spn?!

 

  
**1x14 Nightmare or The one where aunt Zelda makes me really uncomfortable**

  
This is probably one of the darkest episodes of the show/season, because no matter from which angle you look at it, there is no happing ending here. The big question this episode centers around is: What does make a monster a monster? How do we define evil? Where do we (and therefore the Winchesters) draw the line?

  
The episode begins with Sam having a vision, freaking him out. Dean of course feels the same and it is only for the sake of Sam that he tries not to show it. But again the thin line between us vs them is broken. Being a hunter you have to justify why you kill someone/something. Usually the body count does that, but in this episode our monster, Max, is very human. Except that he isn’t with his power, and with Sam used as a parellel, we are shown how two people whose stories start at the same point (their mothers died in the nusery, both have been giving powers) grew up very different because of their respective life circumstances. Sam feels connected to Max, not only because they share powers, but in a way that he can understand why Max killed his father and uncle. If Max didn’t have any powers and would have killed them nevertheless one day, every lawyer would use the fact that Max was abused in order to defend him. He didn’t kill them out of cruelity, but because he felt the need to protect himself, when no one else would. The question is, taking away Max powers, would we call him a cold blood killer? These episode deals a lot with moral grey area. Dean thinks Max deserves to die, to him he is a monster, seeing that there is no other way to prevent him from using his powers again, as prison wouldn’t be an option. Sam reminds him that he and Max aren’t that different, if Max is a monster then so is he. Sam understands that not Max abilities but the circumstances turned him into what he is, that anyone who gets empowered can turn into a monster given the chance, gaining power and therefore control again. Dean may in the end understands this, telling Sam that the difference between him and Max is that Sam is not alone in this, that he will always have his brother. It reminds me of this line „When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you love it“ ([x](http://alonesomes.tumblr.com/post/78510570406/start-by-pulling-him-out-of-the-fire-and-hoping)). The love that Sam has been given is the one thing that saves him in the end (cut to 5x22), but as we see with the special children that love can be also used to blackmail them, to do terrible things in the name of love, and seeing how the brothers are unable to let go of each other they will turn to monsters in the name of love as well.

  
Another aspect of this episode is child abuse. Like I mentioned it makes us wonder if those killings were justfied and in the case of Max stepmother how much she is to blame. Is denying help and ignoring the abuse as gruesome as the abuse itself? Dean thinks the abuse doesn’t justify any of the murders, while Sam can understand why Max killed his father and uncle, but doesn’t think the stepmother is to blame (not in the way that she isn’t guilty, but doesn’t deserve to die). Max thinks all of them are to blame, they are all part of it, and he thinks he can’t be safe until they are all dead. Sams words make him realize that their deaths might won’t change a thing, that he will still feel unsafe, which unfortunately turns him to kill himself. Ultimately the Winchesters don’t have to decide wheter Max deserved to live, wheter he was a monster or not. Still, this episode leaves us in shock, with Sam realizing that Max could have been him. 

  
We then have the conversation between Sam and Dean, Sam wondering how their life would have been if their father would have been a little bit mor like Max father. Sam then realizes that after all their childhood could have been worse, but it is the look on Deans face and how he reacts that makes us wonder if Dean experienced their childhood a little different. When Dean said the abuse didn’t justify their deaths, did he talk about his own experiences? The show hints several times over the years that at least Dean had suffered from abuse. He never outright admits so, but even if he was a victim of abuse, it is part of the trauma that over the years he would have created excuses as to why his father treated him this way. Seeing how Dean praises their dad in contrast to Johns actual behaviour makes one wonder, especially if we see that after Johns death the table turns, Sam relating more to his father, whereas Dean sees him much more critical. If John absued his sons (and in the way I interpret this show he certainly did) he treated Sam and Dean quite differntly. He treated Dean as an adult when he was still a child, whereas Sam was left in the dark  for most of it. But then again, Sam had always his big brother as a parent, even if his father wasn’t around someone took always care of him. Dean on the other hand had to carry the weight of the world alone.

  
Of course this is also the episode that establishes that Sam is not the only one with a power, that there is a pattern and a bigger picture here.

 

 

**1x15 The Benders or The one that still messes me up in all the wrong ways**

  
Still one of the scariest episodes of the show, if you ask me. And I remember watching this episode for the first time, after revealing our monsters were fully human, and thinking that for all the scary shit this episode was rather clever. Just as the episode before this episode ask us about the nature of being evil. What makes this episode so disturbing is the fact that the monsters turn out to be human. Now humans aren’t born evil, they have a choice. Though giving how Pa Bender raised his children, totally isolating them from the world, it makes you wonder if they ever had this choice, growing up believing it is normal to hunt other people and kill them. Now the Winchesters usually draw the line with that the beings they kill are supernatural. Though as we learn, being a supernatural being doesn’t mean you are necessarely evil. Some of them have a choice as well, and some of them chose to be good as well. I think it isn’t up to 2x03 that Dean wonders how many of  the things they killed didn’t deserve to die. 

  
So here we have the Benders and their own little family business. The whole setting and let’s say decor of their house still makes me shudder. So when I wrote that I thought this episode was rather clever I meant it in the way that this genre often risks to portray a rather black-and-white morality. Monsters are only this, monsters, they are born evil, and with that we don’t have a second thought to waste when we kill them. But let’s say it isn’t that easy. What if our monsters had a choice? What if we self can turn into monsters? There is a secret rule implied in a lot of genre shows that says we don’t kill humans. It often divides the world into us vs them, and as I wrote before Spn up to this point already crossed that line with giving Sam supernatural powers (and started an interessting conflict when Dean was willing to kill Max in the previous episode). The only one who actually dies in this episode is Pa Bender and then again not by the hands of Winchesters but through Deputy Kathleen Hudak. It is implied she didn’t kill him out of self defense but rather becaused what he did to her brother (and again a victims story centers around family, Kathleen only agreeing to help Dean finding Sam because she can relate). No one points it out though, asking us again if this murder was justified, crossing the line where we don’t kill humans (not even evil ones), even though it was neither Sam or Dean. A good episode, leaving us with a lot of question, and no right or wrong answers.

  
Also, seeing as Deputy Kathleen is from Hibbing, makes you wonder if she knows Sheriff Donna Hanscum. What I’m trying to say is, if we get the spin off we deserve (Wayward Daughters), Deputy Kathleen should be there as well.


	6. 1x16

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 1x16

I don’t think anyone is at much behind as I am. This week kinda drained me, feeling constantly tired and not in the mood to do much. I will hopefully catch up a bit over the weekend.

As always spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

 

**1x16 Shadow or The one where the plot (and the blood pattern) thickens**

  
And off we go to Chigaco. It just occured to me that they hardly ever investigate a case in a big city. Usually it’s small towns, where everyone knows each other (and their secrects) which kinda hepls with most of their cases (also I think next time we will see Chigaco we will have a date with Death).

  
The boys dress up again, I think this is the second time after they posed as priests (third time if you count the suits in 1x04). Dean is a little relucant at first, which is funny, given the fact that over the years he becomes more and more comfortable in disguises, blending in in his enviroment (I think Dean in genereral  adapts way easier than Sam, part of the whole hunter lifestyle full of aliases and fake identities, which is quite telling, because I think Dean isn’t as secure in his own identity as Sam and I will probably write more about this on later episodes). 

  
Then the bar and Megs promise to show Sam a hell of a time, I just love ladies with bad puns. As an audience we already know that Meg is bad, but the thing I noticed upon my rewatch is that Sam becomes suspicious without a good reason. It is more a gut feeling, telling him that meeting Meg again is no coincidence, and somehow I wondered if that is part of his new life now, never trusting, always doubting. Also, Meg as clever she is, uses her meatsuits actual name and birthplace, knowning the boys might check those facts (again: What is Meg actual name, her name as a human? I’m really curious).  We then see her talking again to someone who gives her orders, and it is only later that we’ll learn she followed the orders of her father, just as Sam and Dean do. This parallel was so blatant and then after season 1 it went off to nowhere. Of course it makes me wonder in what sense can we understand this parent-children-relationship? With the whole knowledge of ten season I would think it may have been Yellow Eyes who took the human soul Meg once was and turned her into a demon (Alastairs and Deans relationship in season 4 comes of as a teacher-pupil-relationship and in a very twisted way as a father and son as well). So in the end both, Yellow Eyes and John, order their children around to fight their fights.

  
The most interesting scene to me was Sam and Deans conversation right before they entered the warehouse. Sam talks about going back to his old life, to become a person again (and though it was just a figure of speech Sam choice of words here are quite telling what it means to be a hunter). Though Dean has dreams of his own he never actually thought about giving up the hunter life. He knows too much, seen too much, that he could ever have a normal life (and the one time he does it is more to keep a promise to a dead brother than anything else). Dean in a way has accepted his fate, even more he thinks it his responsibility to help people, with the knowledge and abilities he has been given. And though Sam wants to help as well, he doesn’t believe he has to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, that he has to give up his own wishes and dreams, that he has to become a martyr. Ironically that is exactly what he is going to become, ready to die in 5x22, ready to die again in 8x23. The moment he learns about the demon blood, the moments he starts to think of himself as a freak, a monster, never getting rid oft he evil inside of him, he tries to redeem himself, ready to sacrifice himself for the greater good. Dean of course always is always willing to die because he doesn’t believe he deserves anything good in the first place. (They are both stupid) 

  
But here we have Dean, trying to keep his family together. Just imagine how he must felt after Sam left for Stanford, probably believing he failed him. Then his dad leaves him as well, feeding his abadonment issues. His family is all that Dean has, it is the one thing that keeps him going. His whole life everything has been ordered around his family; family comes always first, leaving no space for his own desires. And still he fears his loyalty for his family is an one-way-street. Sam thinks it doesn’t matter if he returns to Stanford or not, they are still a family. But Sam has learned to become his own person while being apart from his family, while Dean only functions within a family and their familiar pattern (over the years it is Dean who adds new members to their family – calling Bobby a father, Cas a brother, Charlie a sister etc – labeling them as family members because he never learned to have relationships outside his family).

  
The fight between Meg and the boys in the warehouse introduces another theme we will see again and again over the years – unwanted rather aggressive sexual advances. Even without the question of consent (I think it is in the season finale that we learn that demons use human meatsuits) this scene comes off gross and rapy. Throughout the series we will see scenes of torture or where someone is captured with the underlying threat of rape. This doesn’t exclusive only happen to women as this scene profes but it nevertheless happens. The thing is, this show can be really dark, there is no denying. And in a way it makes sense that the villians use rape as a threat. Out there in the real world women and men are raped everyday, so I think it is justified we will see this theme returning over the years. Still, those scenes make me really uncomfartable (which on the other hand is their intention in the first place).

  
Of course at the end there is the big reunion with John, and halfway into season 1 we have seen already some much shit coming from John we wisn he wouldn’t have come. Fortunately he leaves again, returning to his role as lone wolf, the lonesome avenger yada yada. This trope is so old and overused, I’m glad we got rid of it along with John. Instead this show decided to show us the meaning of family and its purpose, laying their focus on the _we_ insteand of the _I_.


	7. 1x17

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 1x17

As always contains spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

 

**1x17 Hell House or The one where the real questions are asked**

  
The real question of course is WWBD (What would Buffy do?). Fun fact: I started watching Spn because Buffy had ended and by that time Spn aired at the same channel/time Buffy previously had (Spn didn’t air in Germany until 2007, back then on the infamous Mystery Monday).

  
For some reason I always thought that Ed and Harry were introduced way later into the show, but seeing that they have been around since season 1 this makes them now the longest surviving characters (minus the Winchesters).  I think this is the first episode that focus more on comedy than anything else, and that is something I really like about this show, that no matter how dark it can be, we have gems like this. Then again this episode is a bit meta-ish, with Ed and Harry as wannabee-ghosthunters. There are a lot of popcultur references thrown in into this episode, and the fact that I got them all is quite telling. Sam and Dean are mocking Ed and Harry and though I get why they do it, I wish the show would have used not such a clichee version of let’s say fanboys and the nerd/geek community (this portrayal kinda continues with the character of Becky and I think it is not until Charlie that we get a geek character who is portrayed positive).

  
Also of course the prank war. I’m a only child, so I don’t speak from experience but I think the show got a lot right in the way they portay the brothers relationship (though of course their codepency isn’t normal, but that is not what this episode is about).

  
I really liked the idea of the tulpa, a monster that came to life because of thoughts/imagination. That is really clever and it of course brings us to the question: How do you kill a thought? The answer is, you don’t, simply because you can’t. You can’t erase a thought, just simply change its direction. (Now, if we all look at the Tibetan spirit sigil again and focus on Destiel will the ship become canon?)

  
Some random thoughts: They used two BÖC songs this episode which kinda makes sense with the BÖC logo used and all, but still do they had to use „Fire of unknown origin“ and „Burnin for you“? Especially as Dean sings the first song rather loudly to wake up Sam: „Fire of unknown origin took my baby away“. How many months is Jess dead by now? 

  
Also, Dean calls one of the kids Morrissey. You know what kind of people know that Morrissey used to write letters to music maganzines in his youth? Teenagers who were a little bit obssed in their youth with The Smiths. Dean used to be a mopy little teenager spending too much time in his room alone listening to The Smiths and nobody can take this headcanon away from me.


	8. 1x18

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 1x18

Contains spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

 

**1x18 Something Wicked or The one with chubby Dean**

  
As much as I didn’t remember Ed and Harry to be part of season 1 already, I used to forget we had a Weechester-episode already as well.

  
And another time „How to not raise your children – The John Winchester edition“. Seriously, I feel like half the time I wrote those rewatchs I wrote about John Winchester and how screwed up his relationship with his sons is. For some reasons I always thought that it was only after Johns death that the show started to portray him in a more negative way, but while rewatching season 1 I realized he had been a shit dad right from the start. The one thing that changed was how the brothers saw their father, and while they find a lot of excuses for his behaviour in the early seasons, this fortunately changes the longer John is dead. So in a way it feels that the fandoms perception changed with the brothers perception of John, but the abuse and neglect is already there, and with the knowledge of later seasons it is impossible to unseen.

  
So here we have a witch going after children, which sounds more like a fairytale rather than a urban legend. Still, the story works, because who hasn’t been afraid as a child of the shadows on the wall and the sounds a house can make which you can’t explain. I also liked that the witch turned out to be a man or rather choose a man as disguise. For one thing because it would be easier to hide, because witches are almost always described to be female. For another thing, there is very often the distinction between witches and wizards, witches portrayed as bad and wizards as good, making the women evil and the men go(o)d. So I liked that we reversed that trope here, instead giving us another trope with the doctor wo doesn’t help but instead is the cause for the condition the children are in.

  
But let’s talk about little Dean and John a bit more. The whole segments of flashbacks hurt. Dean says it was 16 or 17 years ago, which made him 10 or 9 that first time. Back then Dean already knows the drill, telling us this is not the first time John left his boys alone for days. The „shot first, ask later“-rule explains where Deans black-and-white-moral comes from (though we already see him questioning it several times so far). We then see Dean giving Sam the last Lucky Charms, giving up something for his little brother he wanted for himself, and we know that wasn’t the first and it won’t be the last sacrifice for him. Cereals might not look like  a big deal, but it shows us that Dean isn’t even allowed to have little joys, and from canon evidence we know that Dean over the years gave up a lot more for his brother. I wrote about this before, the crack between the brothers, the reason for their outfall that ended with Sam going to Standford, is that Sam wasn’t aware of those sacrifices. He was too young to realize them, and Dean probably never made a big deal out of it, so when Sam finally left it never occured to him that Dean thought he was ungrateful and not loyal to his family. 

  
Dean then leaves their motel room to play some games, doing something selfish for once, only to return and realize he put his brother in danger. I don’t know how much John told Dean about what he is hunting, if Dean was aware that there was something going after children. I don’t think he knew or otherwise he wouldn’t have left. But the lesson Dean learns here is clear: You don’t follow the rules and somebody gets hurt. You put your own desires first and the family suffers. It always reminds me of something Bobby said in 7x10: „ _Kids aren’t supposed to be grateful. They’re supposed to eat your food and break your heart, you selfish dick._ “ Kids should be allowed to act selfish. They shouldn’t be aware of the sacrifices their parents make for them. That doesn’t mean they should take everything for granted or always get what they want. But to a certain point they should remain blissfully unaware of the real world, they should be allowed to be kids (and it is not until they become adults or parents themselves that they realize how lucky they were). Dean was never allowed to be a kid, he became Sams actual parent in Johns absence, whereas Sam if only for a short time had a childhood. 

  
Dean tells Sam that his father looked at him different after that and that he thinks he sent them back so he could finish the job. John punished Dean with his disappointment, when all Dean graved was his approval. And sending him back opened an old wound, making Dean feel like a failure, instead of giving him closure. Sams tells Dean that he now understands why Dean always followed their dads orders, but I don’t think that was the point of the story. Instead I wished Sam would have been more angry about their dad for giving Dean such a hard time the one time he didn’t follow his orders. Like I said, I don’t think Dean was aware of the danger he put Sam in, and instead of explaining the situation to Dean John punished his son.

  
Micheal and Asher of course are used as a parallel to Dean and Sam, Dean and Micheals relationship is focused on the fact that they are both older brothers willing to protect their younger brothers (again the victims story focus on family). The name Micheal was probably just a coincidence, still I like the foreshading. 

  
(Also, Dean and Sam are mistaken as a couple again, and I couldn’t help but imagine canon Destiel and Dean ordering a kingsize bed, all flustered, while the receptionist imagines all the hot sex they will have – the receptionist would be me.)

  
The episode ends with Sam pointing out that Micheal now lost his innocence, knowning that monsters are real. He wishes he had his own innocence back, and Dean wishes the same. Again quite telling that Deans wants Sam to have his innocence back, but not his own. And it reminds me of somethin


	9. 1x19

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 1x19

As always includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

**1x19 Provenance or The one where we learn to be careful for what we wish for**

  
Rewatching those old episodes you sometimes wonder whatever happened to these characters. Wouldn’t it be great for them to come back? Don’t. Seriously don’t. Rewatching this episode just hurt. A lot. 

  
But still, let’s talk a bit about it. First of all, creepy child ghost. Always gets me. I also liked the twist that the daughter was the killer, simply because I like the evil child trope. The painting of course is rather creepy, like who in the world would spend money on that? But it also introduce us into the world of art dealers and auctions and the clashing of social classes. Everything about the Winchesters, about the way they are dressed, they way they talk, they way they behave, tells us they are blue collar. The difference between the brothers of course is, that while Dean identifies himself as someone from the underclass (and in this episode mocks the people from the upper class), Sam tried to escape his upcoming. The only way to get to Standford is by either a scholarship (like Sam) or if you have enough money. Sam once said that even in Standford he felt as the freak, the one who didn’t fit in. Part of that is because of his big secrect (being a hunter)  but I think it is also because he didn’t grew up as priviliged as his fellow students. I wrote before that I think that Sam tried to be desperately somebody else while he was at Standford. We see a glimpse of it here: Sam seems to fit in way easier than Dean into a social class that isn’t his own. I don’t think Sarah was that prejudiced but that is probably the reason she was more attracted to Sam (that and his ass). All the knowledge they needed to solve the case (about the painting and the doll) came from either Sam or Sarah, so Dean in a way was a little bit left out. Also Sarah seems to be concerned if this is really how they live their life (without payment but expert knowledge on grave digging), seeing as Sam were pre-law and everything and now in a way wastes his talents.

  
I really liked Sarah as a character, for one because she wasn’t portrayed as a damsel in distress (actually most women so far were strong characters, I give the show credit fort hat). But I also liked her story, about her mothers death and shutting herself off. Despite her strength it gave her vulnerability and someone Sam could talk to and open up. Dean means well when he wants Sam to have a good time, also knowning that he can’t possibly know how Sam felt after Jess death. And Sarah actually is in the position to know how hard it is to open yourself to new people. Sam of course points out the two problems a hunters life will bring: 1. they will leave sooner or later, 2. people close to him might get hurt/die. Sarah shows Sam that it doesn’t have to be like that, that sometimes it is worth the risk, and that he can’t protect everyone. In a way, they are both right: Sam knows about the mortal danger he puts people in and he has a right to be concerned. But Sarah is also right, when she tells him to allow people into his life, to allow himself to be happy again. The cruel irony of this episode is that Sams concern – that Sarah might get hurt or dies – gets true, if only a couple years later. Did I mentioned that this episode hurts?


	10. 1x20

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 1x20

Includes spoilers for laters seasons, up to 10x23. **  
**

**1x20 Dead Man’s Blood or The one that comes 22 years too late**

  
Yeah, vampires. I was actually excited, the first time I watched this episode. Because vampires. Like they are probably the most popular supernatural beings. There are so many books, movies, shows written about them and each features a different mythology and portrays them different. So I was curious how Spn would create them and quite frankly I always thought they would have appear way sooner, as they are so well known monster (same with werewolves, who aren’t featured until the end of season 2). I was suprised to find out that they aren’t really a thing in the world of Spn, both Sam and Dean didn’t even know they actually excist, which is kinda strange given the amount of lore there is about them. The same thing happens in 2x13 when we find out Dean doesn’t believe in angels despite the lore about them, but that is maybe more because he doesn’t believe in good things in general (in an ironic twist of fate Dean then spends a year in purgatory with an angel and a vampire). We learn that vampires up to this point are almost extinct. Somehow a massive repopulation happened over the years because I think next to ghosts they are the supernatural beings featured most in Spn (despite demons and angels). Thankfully Spn throw out a lot of vampire folklore and sticked to the basic: they like blood. But then again every vampire mythology is a good one where the vampires don’t glitter. They also kept the sexy vampire trope, the blood sucking remains with a sensual, sexual undertone. Also vampires appearently mate for life. Like swans. Just saying.

  
With the character of Elkins we also learn that there is some kind of hunter community and fortunately we will learn/see more about that in season 2. John tells the boys that he had a fallout with Elkins and two episodes later, when we finally meet Bobby we learn he had a fallout with John as well. Just as Ellen. Or Tara. Seems like a pattern. 

  
But yeah, let’s talk about John (come on, you knew this was coming). This is the first time we see him hunting together with his sons and immediately he takes the lead. Sam is angry because he treats them as children, as if the last months didn’t happen and Sam and Dean didn’t solve nummerous cases on their own. He also, again, doesn’t give them all the information at first. This tells us a lot about the power hierarchy within the family, with John as the only one fully in control. While I understand to a certain degree why he acted like that in the past I agree with Sam here that the circumstances have changed and both Sam and Dean deserve to be treated as equals to John. Especially the fact that he deliberate witheld information buggers me. It causes Sam to question all of his decisions and Dean to trust him blind, always believing his father knows best. I think there is a point while growning up where you realize that your parents are human after all: they are not perfect, they make mistakes, they still (probably) tried to do their best. You knock them of their pedestal and you should so, starting to make your own choices (while your parents hopefully support you). But Dean never did. And it is only after his fathers death, confronted with his subconscious within a dream, that he realizes he relived his fathers life instead of his own (3x10). 

  
Of course at one point the situation escalates, with Sam forcing his father to talk to him and we learn a bit more about the night Sam left for Standford. I’m not sure if it was mentioned before, but John told Sam not to come back. He later explains his reasons why he didn’t wanted Sam to leave but this… what kind of idea do you give your son what family, what home means if you tell him not to come back? It doesn’t matter if John secretly visited his sons, making sure everything is OK, when in 4 years not once he reached to him, didn’t call, nothing. Sure, Sam as stubborn as he is, might haven’t picked up the phone, but can you blame him? John is the adult here, it was his job to apologize, it was his job to call Sam after he learned about Jess death, it was his job to come back to his sons when they needed him most (1x10) or when one of them was about to die (1x12). He didn’t. 

  
And still, what hurts most, is Dean, standing in the middle between his brother and his father, trying to keep his family together, to keep them from fighting (fearing Sam might leave again), because they are all he has. His father might give him shit for the state of his car, his father might still expect him to follow his orders without question the way he used to as a kid, and his father might be the real reason Sam left (instead of Deans fear he had failed Sam), but Dean doesn’t care. He is so hungry for affection, for approval, for some kind of safety and stability (which he associates with family), that he takes everything he gets, without questioning the prize he might be paying for them. 

  
So what do we make with Johns conversation with Sam? The thing is, I can get behind what he is saying: that he wanted a different life for his sons, but that after Marys death the world was full of evil and that he raised them the way he did in order to protect them, realizing himself that he forget to be their father and instead became their drill sergeant. But (of course there is a but) it is too little too late. And it doesn’t bring Sam and Dean their childhood back. And really it doesn’t change anything. He didn’t do as best as he could. There could have been other ways, better ways, to raise his sons (while still being a hunter). And his urge to protect them might be the reason he started hunting but somehow it changed into a revenge mission. Despite, what good does it do to protect your boys when you never around in the first place? (And leaving children alone for days, even weeks, is certainly not safe for them). This scene was maybe meant to give Sam some kind of closure or to show the viewers „Look, he wasn’t that bad as a father“. And it might have worked, because before this rewatch I didn’t remember John as that bad (at least not in season 1), but that might be because text works stronger than subtext. So far it was the subtext that told us he is a bad father, in contrast to the actual text here, so maybe this part was easier to remember. Anyway, it certainly doesn’t work anymore, John still sucks. And at the end we learn that despite his little speech he didn’t really change (I know, shocker). He still insists to go after Yellow Eyes alone (who is still „The demon“ here, because you know there aren’t that many to confuse him with), willing to give his life for his revenge, to leave his children alone (again) and as we later learn giving Dean the burden of knowledge about the special children. The only good thing is that Dean finally stands up to his father, telling him that if he insists to kill the demon, he and his brother are going to be involved (and after all they have all the right to be).

  
Random note: the colt. What a cool weapon, although a little bit too good to be true. A weapon that can kill everything? Thankfully there are only 5 bullets left, creating a little twist.


	11. 1x21

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 1x21

Includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

**1x21 Salvation or The one who – wait that’s too soon for „Carry on“**

  
So after one season portraying the brothers in contrast to their relationship with their father, Dean as the good son, following every order, and Sam as the rebellious son, always questining and doubting, we come to this: At the end it is Sam who is a lot more like his father than anyone would have thought, and it leaves Dean surrounded by family members willing to die for the mission. 

  
But let’s start at the beginning. Somehow I forget that this episode existed. In my mind this episode and 1x22 always merged to one big final episode, and in a way this feels like a two-parter. Also if we look at this as part one of 1x22, maybe it doesn’t feel so weird to hear „Carry on“ already. So we start right off with Meg and what can I say? I really like her as a villian. Way to go. Also Megs way to get what she wants (the Colt) is to murder her way through the Winchesters friends (like John had some left he didn’t piss off, though he is really bad at keeping in contact with them). Skip forward 7 seasons and we will see the same with Crowley and Sam & Dean, killing his way through the victims they saved over the years, and who knows, maybe he got the inspiration while reading Carver Edlunds masterpiece „Salvation“? (Probably the only time Crowley thought Meg was right about something).

  
John then learns about Sams vision and at this point he is already aware about the special children and probably wondered if Sam is one of them as well . Now that I think about Monicas comment about her daughter – „ _Sometimes she looks at you and I swear it’s…it’s like she’s reading your mind_ “ – suggests that there is already a new generation of special children, though it kinda needed Yellow Eyes to activate them?! Or do they become aware of their abilities at a certain age? Whatever happened to Rosie? Now I’m curious (wouldn’t that be a great ending to Spn one day? We skip forward to 20-something Rosie, reading peoples minds, when suddenly a men with Yellow Eyes approaches her). The whole season we have seen Sam and Dean leaving their bubble of black-white-moral, especially with Sam becoming something supernatural as well, needing to redefine their morals. John must have thought about that as well and we will learn his results ultimately in 2x10 (spoiler alart: they were crappy, no one is surprised). He then gives Dean some shit for not calling him right after Sam had his first vision (instead they just called him for such unimportant things like on of them almost dying) and finally Dean confronts him, telling him how hard it was to contact him and that he is in no position to blame them. I think at this point it is still difficult for Dean to argue with his father and calling him out, but it is clear that the year he spent with his brother, and more importantly, away from his father, changed him. If they would have continued to work together hopefully their dynamic would have changed. 

  
The tension created in this episodecenters around the fact that this is it, their great chance to finally kill the demon that sent them on their mission nearly 23 years ago. John talks about how he wants to finally bring an end to it, that he wants Sam to be able to go to school, Dean to have a home etc but you know, they could have already have that. John shows remorse and regret about his past and the way he raised his sons, but like I wrote in my previous rewatch it comes too late. If he wanted that for his children, why didn’t he give it to them? Because they would be in danger? They still are even after Yellow Eyes is dead. After all John has seen he knows how dangerous this world is. But then again, the world is full of dangers, and not all of them are supernatural. And I think it no excuse for taking away your childrens childhood. And by handing over the task to kill Yellow Eyes to his sons, John already tells them to continue his legacy. The whole season was a proof that neither Sam or Dean needed John to hunt (they never in fact called him because they needed help with a hunt but because they needed him as father – but as John said at one point he stopped being their father and became their drill sergeant, so when they needed his emotional support he was unable to give it to them). The search for John might have been what drove the plot forward but at its core this show was already about the brothers and their relationship, leaving no place for John (which is the reason I was always concinved he would die in the season finale). So while John talks about the life he wants for his sons the subtext tells us what he really expects of them is to continue the mission – „ _I think he wants us to pick up where he left off. You know, saving people, hunting things. The family business_ “. And as we over the years saw both Sam and Dean attempting the apple pie life and failing, we know that they saw and know too much to let go of their hunter life – the mission might have started with Yellow Eyes but it didn’t stop there. 

  
As I said this episode reveals Sam is a lot more like his father than Dean – he puts his revenge over everything else, even says killing the demon is the only thing they ever cared about. The mission becomes bigger than life, as he is willing to die for it. It is only then, when Sam thinks he might not make it out alive, that he thanks Dean for everything he has done for him and always having his back. It, atleast within this season, gives closure to the conflict between the brothers, breeding since the night Sam left for Standford, where Dean felt Sam was ungratefull and disloyal towards his family. But it causes another conflict as Dean realizes the prize Sam is willing to pay for his revenge. Sam is ready to die for the cause. Only a couple episodes prior in 1x16 he talked about going back to his old life, and I wrote Sam didn’t seemed to be ready to become a martyr. Now the reason for his sacrifice here isn’t to save the world, it is more a personal one. And it fits perfectly together with the title of this episode – salvation. Sam wants to redeem himself – from the knowledge he might be the reason his mother and Jess died and from the pain their deaths brought. And it is Dean who reminds him that the mission isn’t everything, that it is not worth enough to give his life for it (cut to 9x11 and Castiels „ _Nothing is worth losing you_ “). Dean who reveals that it is his family who keeps him together, his solid anchor in a world full of darkness, and now both of them are willing to give their life for something they believe is bigger than this – and in conclusion bigger than Dean, letting him believe he is not worth enough for them to keep living, feeding Deans trauma that sooner or later everyone is going to leave him. 

  
Instead of closure this episode just gives us many feels and a cliffhanger – of we go to 1x22.


	12. 1x22

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 1x22

Contains spoilers for laters seasons, up to 10x23.

 

**1x22 Devil’s Trap or The one where the Big Bad is a better parent than your own father**

  
And here we go, the season finale. Which quite frankly didn’t feel like a finale to me. Like I wrote in the previous rewatch, I always expected John to die in the finale. Irony of fate: When the boys are finally reunited with their dad he dies. And than he didn’t and I thought he is off the hook until the next season finale – guess I got that wrong. So in a way 2x01 felt to me more than a season finale than an opener, but I will write more about this when I get there. Also the big arc of the season (other than finding John) – killing Yellow Eyes – didn’t end here and I’m glad it didn’t. So far the motw-episodes outnumbered the mytharc-episodes and even if we would have got more answers in this episode this arc would have felt rushed if it would have been finished here. Instead we explore this story more in season 2 and it also underlines the importance of Yellow Eyes as a villain.

  
The best thing about this episode is obviously that we finally met Bobby. But the even more important thing is: what ever happened to Rumsfeld? I like to believe he wasn’t killed, we just didn’t see him again. For reasons (true fact: whenever an animal is killed in a movie it pains me much more than a character-death). Then Meg enters, we learn that a normal year there are like 3 demonic possesions, and we witness a little exorcism. Cut to season 10, where we kill 3 demons per episode, because who has the time for exorcisms anymore these days? Oh how the times have changed. But speeking about exorcisms: Dean didn’t know that Meg was in fact a human possessed by a demon, that there was still a woman in there. Now in 1x04 he witnessed how a demon left a human vessel, so by now he should know that demons posses humans? But it obviously creates a conflict here, because by exorcising Meg they sign her death certificate: the real human Meg Masters body is too broken by now to survive. The real Meg thanks them, because at least it means she dies in her own body, as a human. But the question remains if Dean made the right choice here; I personally think he did. They couldn’t save Meg anymore (and by the time they throw her out the building in 1x16 they weren’t aware that she was a human possessed), and at least this way they gave her some peace and agency while dying. 

  
But still, let’s look at the conversation between demon Meg and Dean again. Before he was aware she was a human possessed he called her a bitch, starting an unfortunate trend of using misogynist slurs. Dean sees her as a thing, which in his mind justifies his use of language here (as Dean usually treats women with respect). Over the years we will see a lot of female villians on Spn (Lilith, Ruby, Eve, Naomi, Abaddon, Rowena etc) and again and again the use of the word “bitch”, and I think it is kinda problematic. Like I said, the use of this word originates in the idea of the villain as a thing, a non-human. But the word itself isn’t gender-neutral, and used because said villians use a female vessel. You see the problem here? Instead of calling them a monster they use one of the most painful words specific to women, and that is actually rather problematic. 

  
Other than that, Dean absolutely refuses to believe his father is dead, because I think in his mind his father became almost god-like, untouchable and immortal. And in a way this remains true, as Johns shadow is still present, years after his death. But then again, Dean kills gods, so there is still hope. Also we have this gem: “ _I swear to God, I will march into hell myself and I will slaughter each and every one of you evil sons of bitches, so help me God!_ ” Well, he got the part right about marching into hell.

  
There isn’t much to say about the John-rescue-mission. The scene where Dean reveals he wanted to be a fireman as a child always breaks my heart; of course he wanted to be, after all his mother died during a fire. I think this is also the first time we see the boys using holy water to prove someone isn’t possessed. Dean calls Sam nuts, but over the years it becomes their standard welcoming programme after one of them died again. Of course we later learn holy water doesn’t work on Yellow Eyes, just as hallow ground didn’t  work on Meg in 1x12. So the set of rules differ from demon to demon, also establishing that there is some kind of hierarchy within the demons.

  
But at its core this episode is of course about the conflicts within the family. Dean again points out how alike Sam is to their father, both willing to die in order to kill the demon, while he would be the one left alone. Deans priority is his family, and it manifests in the scene where he uses a the colt to kill the demon (Tom?) that attacked Sam. He later admits that he is scared of the things he is willing to do in order to keep his family alive and save. Because after all with both Meg and Tom two humans died as well, and I wonder if this is still in the back of his mind these days whenever he kills a demon or angel. The show is utterly honest here: instead of portraying Dean as the hero they remind us twice that the boys became killers, that this war that just started already had his casualties (but not Rumsfeld of course!). 

  
The most significant (and painful) scene is the one where Dean realizes that his father is possessed (and I think this episode reminded us twice before about the humans the demons posses in order to prepare us for this conflict: the only way to kill Yellow Eyes here is to kill John as well). And why is that: because Yellow Eyes showed more kindness, more understanding and support than the real John would have. Dean became suspicios because his father was proud of him. And that tells us lengths about the relationship he had with his father. All of Deans low self esteem, his selfhate, thinking of himself as a failure, as poison, the reason he thinks  people always leave him in the end, all of this has its fundament in here: John never told Dean he was in fact good enough. That he did right. That it was not his fault when someone left him. The difference between Sam and Dean is that Sam had Dean as a substitute parent, someone telling him he is proud of him, someone who always had his back. But Dean instead never found the same support with John. A lot of Deans and Castiels bonding in season 5 happened over the shared fate to be sons of deadbeat fathers. This parallel might haven’t been planed out as this episode was written, but the similarities become quite clear: a distant father and the son who believes in him without a doubt, because he has no other choice left. But the parallel that is indeed intended here is the one between John and Yellow Eyes. By revealing Yellow Eyes had children as well it reintroduces the the theme of family and taking revenge for your family (though I think the term children refers here to Yellow Eyes creating Meg and Tom as demons and not real as in biological children). I’m not sure what the intention of this parallel was here, but it points out all the similarities between John and the demon he hunted his whole life, which again doesn’t make John look more sympathic. Just saying. Yellow Eyes then feeds on Deans biggest fear: that after all he needs his family much more than they need him. I wondered if the demons had access to the memories of the humans they possessed, because if that is true, than John knew how his son felt and never did anything to convince him otherwise. But then again it is part of a good villain to know his enemies and use their fears and while he was in John he probably gathered enough information about the family issues anyway.

  
The episode ends with revealing that Deans fear is at least partly true: John wants Sam to kill him and kill the demon like this as well. The revenge, the mission, becomes bigger than anything else, bigger than their family, and bigger than the damage it would have caused if Sam had killed his father. Sam turns out to be actually the smart one as he did listen to Dean and realizes that there are more important things than taking revenge. John is actually pissed because of that, arguing with Sam while they drive Dean to a hospital, and I really like how they edited this scene here. John says killing the demon comes first, Sam disagrees, and we see Dean, seriously hurt, the one who always keeps his family together, the one who needs them so much because he thinks his only worth lays within his family. It is rather symbolic to see Dean bruised and broken at a moment his family, the one thing he admitted keeps him together, is about to break apart as well.

  
Then they are hit by a truck, CCR’s “ _Bad moon rising_ ” still playing in the distance. I always remembered the image and sound of this scene, because growning up I listened to a lot of CCR, usually in the car, while my dad was driving. Of course this song became the ultimate song of doom, as we hear it again in 7x16, revealing the death of Frank Devereaux. 

  
So this is it, bye bye season 1, hello season 2.


	13. Recap Season 1

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Recap Season 1

Contains spoilers for later season, up to 10x23.

**Recap Season 1**

  
So, season 1. Overall not my favourite season, but usually first seasons are rarely my favourite ones (same goes for pilot episodes). Rewatching I noticed that this season contains a lot of motw-episodes and stand-alone-episodes. I think this is quite common for genre shows (rewatching Fringe I noticed the same pattern or let’s say difference between season 1 and 2). By the end of season 1 you can still squish the whole myth-arc in one recap, which means that by season 2 they could still gain new viewers as the mythology of the show isn’t so complex so far as they couldn’t catch up. I personally favour mytharc-episodes or in general shows that are so complex you can not skip a single episode or you are completely lost (hell, I’m kinda obsessive so I watch every episode anyway). In contrast season 2 feels a lot bigger and complex. 

  
The other thing about season 1 is that the mythology is kinda incoherent, at least compared with later seasons. We see a lot of the monsters for the first time and the show don’t always stick with the rules they once established. Also this is the time where demons were still a big deal, and where their story was that of a personal revenge rather than saving the world. 

  
Characterwise this season introduces us to the roles Sam and Dean stick to: Sam the rebellious son, and Dean the good son/soldier, following every order. I don’t know how much of the grand story (season 1 to 5) they had planed out at that time, but this early characterization comes full circle once we hit season 5 and the story of Michael and Lucifer and Dean and Sam as their respective vessels. The thing I like most about the Kripke-era is how everything fits together, how themes that were introduced in season 1 play out in season 5.   
Something else that really stood out during my rewatch is John Winchester and his bad parenting (you might have noticed this theme in my rewatchs). Now this is something I didn’t remember noticing during my first watch many years ago. I always thought that John was portrayed as a bad father only after his death, but like I wrote before this has probably a lot to do with the brothers perception of their father. Which is mostly a positive one during season 1, but changes over the years. The other thing is that a lot of Johns abusive behaviour is established trough the subtext, in contrast to the episodes where we actually see him interacting with his sons, showing regret and apologizing. Those scenes probably weighted more in my memory than the subtext, but during my rewatch I couldn’t help but notice. So while I was never a fan of John per se, my rewatch made my opinion of him only worse. And season 2 probably won’t help on that.

  
**Favourite episodes:**

**1)** 1x12 _Faith_  
 **2)** 1x09 _Home_  
 **3)** 1x11 _Scarecrow_

  
 **Favourite Quote:** “ _I guess if you’re gonna have faith… you can’t just have it when the miracles happen. You have to have it when they don’t._ ” (Layla, 1x12 Faith)

  
 **Favourite Music Moment:** BÖC – (Don’t Fear) The Reaper (1x12 Faith, played while the reaper kills the girl/Roy heals the old man)

  
 **Favourite recuring character(s):** Meg


	14. 2x01

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x01

Includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

 

**2x01 In my time of dying or The one that leaves a bittersweet taste**

  
Next to 4x01 this is probably my favourite season opener, though in many ways it didn’t feel as an opening episode but rather a finale (I wrote about this before in my rewatch for 1x22). Mostly this is because of Johns death. After the events of 1x22 I thought he was safe until 2x22. I never thought Dean would actually die, simply because John and Sam together wouldn’t have worked as this show established one season long that it is about the brothers. So yeah, I thought they would find some supernatural way to save Dean, John would leave again for ominous reasons, and give his life in the final fight against Yellow Eyes (well, I wasn’t wrong about everything). This isn’t Game of Thrones where everyone can die every time, but still they bended the rules a bit and left me surprised. 

  
The episode starts with a new titlecard, fortunately. I was never a huge fan of the season 1 titlecard, which was too simple for my taste. We see Dean and realize he is in a coma and about to die. Next we see Baby, broken and beyond repair. This is a parallel that started in the previous episode, and of course after the crash both Dean and his car are in a similar state of damaged. Sam refuses to give up both. The parallel expands to the end of 2x02, where we see Dean destroying his then repaired car, but I will write more about this symbolism in that particular rewatch. 

  
Now a lot happens in this episode, so I’m going to split it up.  
Sam: Sam is mostly pissed, but hey who can blame him? In his fight with his father he tells him that he can go to hell… well I guess this another example to be careful what you wish for. There isn’t much to say about Sam because this episode isn’t about him. In fact the most interesting is what others say about him, as we learn that John indeed knows something about Sam and the other children, sharing his knowledge at the end with Dean. The question remains why John never told Sam. Because he thought Sam couldn’t handle the truth? Because he was afraid Sam would really turn out to be evil/too powerful? I wish John would have had the courage to tell Sam the truth, trusting his son to make the right choices. Instead he chose Dean, giving his eldest another burden in his final moment.

  
Tessa: I would rather stick with the reaper mythology established in this episode and simply ignore the strange retcon 9x22 was. If you watch reaper episodes with the knowledge that they are apparently angels nothing about them makes sense, so for the sake of it it’s easier to simply ignore this fact (the doctor later says that Dean had some angel watching over him, which of course could relate to reapers as angels of death… I still like the destiel shipper interpretation better despite that he isn’t even a character yet, thank you very much). Here we learn that everything Dean sees is part of Tessas magic: the way she appears to him, creating a room with a comatose body and her mother etc. By that logic Tessa would have found a vessel in 9x22 that just looked exactly like the young woman she created for Dean here. Also reapers can only be seen by people close to death (unless we think of Dean with MoC always on the brink of death he shouldn’t be able to see her in 9x22). You see where I’m getting with this? Anyway, I really liked Tessa as a character and I think reapers are supernatural beings that are neither good or bad; they only do their job, they even give you a choice (and by that explain the origin of every ghost we ever met, making their stories a hundred times sadder). Tessa of course wants Dean to accept death, calling it his fate to die. Dean explains there is no such thing as fate, you always have a choice. I think this is the first time we explicit see the conflict fate vs free will. Of course this isn’t the first time Dean cheats death, so he already teared up the script. But then his ultimate fate, in the long run, is to become Michaels vessel, so he would have never stayed dead for long anyway. It is interesting to see that Tessa here calls him a soldier and his reasons to stay alive are that of a soldier as well: the battle ain’t over, his army/family still needs him. He doesn’t want to live for himself, but for the mission, subordinating his own desires to that of his family (or what he believes his family wants most). Cut to 10x16 where we see Dean in a similar situation, knowing he is about to die, but expresses his will to live because he wants more from life, wants to experience things and people new and different. That is my OTP right here, Dean and character development. 

  
John and Dean and the emotional mess they created: Welp. Of course this is only the start of it, as Johns death and the guilt Dean feels because of it will lay as a shadow over the whole season. But this is the last time we see John (other than as a ghost) and so much about his conversations and behaviour here tell us something about his relationship with his sons in general, but especially Dean. In the beginning, when it seems John does nothing to help Dean, we see the ghost of Dean yelling at his father, telling him he gave him everything he ever had, and this is what he gets in the end. I couldn’t help but remember the scene in 10x09, where Dean answers Castiels question if he had loved his father with the response: With everything I had. Deans love for his father is one full of devotion and self-sacrifice. The crux here is, usually it is the other way around: we see that kind of love within parents to their children. And John realizes this, telling Dean later that it shouldn’t have been his job to take care of him, but the other way around. That he put too much on his shoulders, made him grow up too fast. That he is proud of him. And that for me is the essential moment of this episode because of the way Dean reacts. He doesn’t believe his father. He asks him if that is really John talking, probably remembering that the demon who possessed John used exactly those words, told him how proud he was, ringing a bell for Dean. It is something so alien for Dean, that he immediately gets suspicious, knowing that even if it is his dad talking, something must be wrong. And it breaks my heart (again). The parallel to the previous episode is clear ([Jenny](http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/) wrote a bit about it in her own [beautiful words](http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/122177716591/1x22-devils-trap-2x01-in-my-time-of-dying)) and fully intended. Showing his support, his love and affection is something so out of character for John, that within the story it indicates that he is either a) not himself or b) something big is about to happen. And of course the person who probably knows him best knows how to read the signs. One of the last memories Dean will have of his father is the moment John genuinely showed how much he cared about him and for Dean to realize that something terrible is going to happen because of that. Which is already pretty fucked up. But John saves the big finale for telling Dean his baby brother might be evil and he might have to kill him. Way to go, Johnny-boy.

  
I’ve seen different interpretations of Johns final sacrifice to save Deans life. Some say it shows that he in fact cared about his sons after all. Others say it doesn’t excuse the abuse the boys suffered in their childhood and youth. I probably tend to see this scene more in favour to the second interpretation. And of course as Dean eventually figures out what John did for him, he blames himself for his fathers death, spiralling into a state of mind where he thinks he would have been better off dead. I think it is important to see Johns sacrifice in relation to the previous episode. He begged Sam to kill him while he was possessed, willing to die to kill Yellow Eyes. John has been described more than once as obsessive and I think this willingness to die for his revenge illustrates this rather well. I think in a way John had died many years ago. At one point his cause to live became to kill the demon. Nothing more and nothing less. He gave up being a father, he gave up being a friend, and what was left was a hunter. A great hunter but still nothing more. He could only find his peace of mind with killing the demon. But in 2x01 he sees where his actions have led him: that the mission he started to protect his family now left one of his sons on the brink of death. So in giving his own life to save his son, John tries in one final act to redeem himself, to put the one thing first which came always second: family. He is tired, he is damaged, and he knows he has gone too far. With saving Dean he tries to do the right thing after all. Does it excuse the way he treated his sons before? No. But it shouldn’t be belittled either.

  
This of course marks also the first episode where we see a Winchester making a deal to save another Winchester. We later learn that it was Marys deal with Yellow Eyes that was the first one. And both have been planed for a long time: without Marys deal Yellow Eyes couldn’t have entered Sams nursery. But John needed to make a deal as well at some point or another, as it was planed to be him who would break the first seal. So threatening or actually killing one of the boys was probably always an option. Of course, as Sam and Dean are THE vessels none of their deaths would have been permanent anyway, so all the Winchester deals were in vain. I guess it’s called cosmic irony.

  
On a random note: Dean says in a now iconic moment you can’t kill death. Well, I would beg to differ.


	15. 2x02

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x02

Sorry, this took a bit longer than original planed. I wanted to write at the weekend, but then my computer complety fucked up, as in nothing worked anymore. I got it fixed on monday, but of course all my data was lost. This and the heat. Seriously, if you watch closely you can see my brain melting in real time. 

As always includes spoilers for later episodes, up to 10x23. **  
**

**2x02 Everybody loves a clown Or the one where Dean is okay. Really.**

  
This episode feels a bit crowded with the Harvelles and the evil clown happing at once, but nevertheless it is a good one. I really liked the song they used in the recap (overall they used a bunch of great songs in season 2).

  
Of course as this is the first episode after Johns death, the main theme here is grief. And thanks to the writers of Spn this is an ongoing theme through the season. I’ve seen shows where character deaths haven’t been mentioned again or we hardly see how the other characters dealt with their loss, and it got me really frustrated. But before I write probably way too much about the brothers grief let’s focus on the other themes of this episodes.

  
First of all the Harvelles. Probably one of the best characters entrance (I like women with guns). And what is interesting here is that while Ellen knows who Sam and Dean are, they have no idea who she is or what the Roadhouse is. It seems they are somewhat unaware of the hunter community. Sure, we have other hunters mentioned already in season 1 (Caleb, Bobby, Daniel Elkins), but this is a whole new level: a place where hunters meet, where they gather information or trade it. The hunter archetype has been portrayed as a lonesome wolf, and while we see a lot of them who prefer to work alone, they have a network. Now question is why John never told his boys. As I wrote before, John seemed to have a fallout with everyone (Sam even mentions this in this episode), so maybe that’s the reason. Still, it is shown here that Ellen was the one reaching out to John, trying to help him, which tells us a lot about Ellen if you bear in mind the reason why she had a fallout with John (which we learn later in the season). Ellen forgave John, but maybe John never forgave himself. 

  
And then there is Jo. I admit I didn’t like her that much the first time I saw this episode, mostly because she was intended so clearly to be Deans love interest. Look, I can’t blame her for crushing hard on Dean, but the thing is that her character is somehow reduced to that, that her whole story revolves around Dean. And I wished they would have given her more space, made her her own character, because we will see glimpses of that. Right now it is just wrong time, wrong place, and in a way that kinda sums up their entire relationship. They never quite met in the middle and sometimes it makes me wonder of everything that could have been. 

  
Of course, as much as I love the Harvelles, nothing compares to my undying love for Ash. Ash is the best. Period. And I think this is the first time recurring characters are introduced. I think I wrote about it before but if you don’t have an ensemble cast and only two leads they are just so many stories you can tell. So you need characters who appear in more than one episode, giving them stories that don’t revolve around the Winchesters (though a lot of them still do). We do have John and Meg as recurring characters in season 1, but John works more as a catalyst for the brothers story than anything else (it feels they talked more about him than with him) and Megs role is that of a villain (a great one, but still very one-dimensional). With the Harvelles, with Bobby, the brothers world becomes suddenly bigger and more connected. And of course, we see them making connections and having relationships outside their family, which is important (though mostly Dean puts them in terms of family again: Bobby as father-figure, Jo as a little sister, Ellen as a mother). 

  
There isn’t much to say about the clowns. After giving Dean an irrational fear of planes/flying, now we have Sam who is afraid of clowns. I like that they are both portrayed with such mundane fears. Like we all have that one fear that logical doesn’t make a lot of sense but it still freaks us out. And though the show never denies that the boys are frightened during their jobs, those irrational fears are what makes them very human. Other than that the circus, as Mr. Cooper puts it, is a refuge for outlaws and outcasts. He advises the boys to go to school, find a wife, have children, basically to live the apple pie life. It is the life Sam had/wanted when he went to Standford. And it is now Sam who tells Mr. Cooper he doesn’t want this life anymore, that he belongs right here where he is. And this of course is part of Sams way to deal with his fathers death, by doing what he thinks his father wanted: accepting his life as a hunter and therefore as a social outcast.

  
And this brings us to the actual theme of this episode: grief. Both brothers feel very different about their fathers death and try to deal with it in different ways. Grieving is something very personal and everyone has to find their own way; there is no right or wrong. Sams process is defined by his last encounter with his father. They had a fight and Sam said and did things he now regrets. He wonders if his father might have been right about some things. And then of course he died under rather mysterious circumstances. The only thing the boys know for sure is that Yellow Eyes was involved. John died by the hands of the very thing he hunted down for a greater part of his life. Sam tries to honour his death and reconnecting with his father by doing what he thinks his father would have wanted; by becoming the hunter John always wanted to make out of him. And somehow he ignores all the bad stuff that ever happened because of his dad. And for all the fights they had he hardly ever speaks bad about him after his death. And I think it is more than that you don’t speak bad about the dead. I think he tries to find his peace with the fact that for all his life his relationship with his father was complicated at its best. He is done fighting, and now he puts all his remorse in doing something that makes him feel close to his dad again.

  
Now Dean of course is another story. Sam forces him to talk, but Dean of course shuts him out. But then again, it has been only a week since their father died. A week is nothing; losing someone that important and finally let go takes years. Dean says that he is okay, and really I believe him. Not in a “everything is fine”-way okay. But he is not going to snap either. Because the pain has not settle in yet. He feels numb and is going through the motions (his comment to Jo how he usually would flirt with her but now is not the right time is a good example of that). I think for Dean John was almost like a god; invincible and immortal. To see him die made him human and left Dean in shock. His whole life his father had been his fixing point and without him he feels lost; without him he doesn’t know anymore who he is. It is an almost impossible thing to grasp. And instead of words the show used the Impala to show us how Dean feels on the inside (Dean = Impala started in 1x22 with the destruction of both and continued in 2x01 where both where on the brink of death and beyond repair). We start the episode with Dean fixing his car. It is more than just a distraction; by fixing the car he fixes himself. He tells everyone, including himself, that he is good, that he can handle it, that he gets through it. It is a great big act, that he outplays through the whole episode. But a man can’t be fixed as easily as a car; by destroying the car we finally see how Dean feels inside. Ultimately it is an act of self-destruction. He takes all the love and care he put in it to fix it again, all the memories the car holds for him, and smashes them into pieces. And no words could have described better than this one image how Dean really feels about his fathers death.


	16. 2x03

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x03

Inclundes spoilers, up to 10x23. **  
**

**2x03 Bloodlust or The one that’s really confusing if you ever watched Buffy**

  
Because if somebody would ask me, “well, dear what’s your favourite Buffy character?”  I would say Tara (because of reasons). So seeing Amber Benson as a vampire is a bit odd. Of course seeing the other vampire in this episode, Eli, is even more confusing, so my headcanon is that while Eli might have made it out alive in this episode, he died eventually, went to purgatory and frustrated by his life choices changed his name into Benny and adopted a charming southern accent in the process.

Overall this is a great episode (which I always confuse with “Fresh Blood” btw). Instead of a simple hunt we explore the nature of being a hunter. We start with another great recap song and Sam and Dean driving in the now completely repaired Impala, listening to “Back in Black”. Of course this scene is a throwback to 1x01, back to a time things seemed to be easier, and with a Dean pretending to be fine. We figure out rather fast that the victims were actually vampires, and cut to Gordon. And unless the Winchesters, he seems to know who they are. The hunter community and how they are all connected and seem to know each other is a continued theme in this season, just as the Winchesters who were highly unaware of this. Gordon knew their father and was impressed by John, which actually tells you a lot about John, and not in a good way. The whole episode links them together, making us compare not only Sam & Dean in contrast to Gordon, but John as well. And while Dean wonders in the end if the way they were raised, with a strict black-and-white-moral, was the right thing, Sam declares John did the best he could. Both brothers wonder how much their father had in common with Gordon; Dean thinks quite a lot and might sees his father in a negative way for the first time or least expresses doubts, Sam on the other hand thinks John was above Gordon and continues to defend his father. 

Gordon as well represents the lonesome wolf hunter type. But after Dean saves his ass the two begin to bond. The picture of Dean covered in blood tells us a lot about the questions this episode raises. Personally it freaked me out, and I think Sam reacted the same way seeing his brother like this and declaring deceptions aren’t his definition of fun. It presents Dean in the image of a killer, rather than a saviour. We move from “saving people” to “hunting things”. Gordon tells Dean that there is no crime in needing your job, but throughout the whole episode being a hunter equals being a killer. Gordon tells Dean it is okay to need killing things. Together with Gordons easy black-and-white-moral it is quite appealing to Dean, an easy way to deal with the loss of his father, and it tells us that part of Dean always carried this dark side, the need to destroy and kill (regarding the Mark-of-Cain-storyline and the question whether or not the MoC was something external or bringing something out that was always in Dean).

Through Dean and Gordons bonding time we learn that Dean embraced the hunting life when he was 16. Now this of course is in contrast to the events of 9x07, where we see a Dean who does worries about prom dates and wants a normal life. Maybe both is true and Dean realized after the events at Sonnys that he could never have a normal life. Maybe it is the story he told himself over the years, blending out every thought he once had about a different life. Deans confession to Gordon is rather interesting as well: he confirms that he thought his father was indestructible, that his loss left a hole he can’t seem to fill. And that he can’t talk with Sam about it. Dean still sees Sam as his little brother, the one he must protect, not only physical but emotional as well. He learned to keep his problems to himself, with John being absent (or probably not interested in them) and Sam too young to talk to. Most of the brothers talks over the years are initiated by Sam who forces Dean to open up. But often when Dean is the one in need to talk he either talks with Bobby or Cas, Bobby as a surrogate dad and Cas who he regards more as an equal, a brother in arms, than Sam who he still sees as his baby brother. 

Sam then uses their newfound knowledge about the hunter community and calls Ellen to ask about Gordon. Ellen replies that Gordon is a good hunter, but despite that not someone the boys should mess with. It reminded me a bit of soulless Sam, who has been described as a great hunter, better than he was before, but of course with a very questionable sense of morality. The question is of course do you have to lose your soul, your humanity to become a great hunter? In 1x16 Sam said that once the hunt for Yellow Eyes is over, he wants to become a person again, implying you aren’t one while being a hunter. I think throughout the years the show shows us that while hunting monsters you are always on the brink to become one yourself. This episode tells us that human& non-human doesn’t equal good & evil. There are evil human. And there are good monsters (by the way friendly vampires who don’t drink human blood are probably one of the well used tropes there is, romanticising this particular monster more than anything else). Sam says they hunt evil, not supernatural beings, making a difference between the both. But as Gordon turns out to be the evil one, does it mean they should have kill Gordon right then? They draw the line at humans, they always did, because humans can get better, they are not born evil. But neither are vampires. In fact they were human once, and they can overcome their nature (though so far it seems only temporally as both Lenore and Benny relapse). Lenore hopes that if they can change so can hunters. Both of them don’t have to be killers. In the end both the vampires and Gordon stay alive for the same reason, because there is hope for change. (Though the question remains if Lenore and the others stoped drinking human blood out of moral reasons or to attract less attention and therefore in order to survive.)

While rewatching we also have to bear in mind that Sam in fact isn’t fully human as well at this point. While watching it the second time we already know what John told Dean before his death: that he might have to kill Sam if he becomes evil. Now Gordons own story, about his sister that turned into a vampire and was killed by him, is a nice parallel to Deans dilemma. It raises the question if Dean could kill Sam as well. Throughout season 2 he repeatedly answers the question with no. He can’t and he will never be able to (cut to 10x23). (Sams sacrifice in 5x22 is another story, as Dean doesn’t actively kills Sams but lets him rather kill himself in order to save the world) 

Another random thing: while fighting Dean hits Sam and it seems Sam isn’t even mad at him. It illustrates how common violence is between the brothers, and it is something we will see again and again over the years, making it nothing less tragic.

So yeah, a great episode, giving us a lot of uncomfortable question, with no right or wrong answers, because just as hunters we maneuver here in the moral grey zone.


	17. 2x04

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x04

Includes spoilers for later episodes, up to 10x23. **  
**

**2x04 Children shouldn’t play with dead things Or the one where we finally visit Zombieland**

  
Before we talk about Zombies(yeah), let’s talk about Marys grave first. It seems Sam & Dean never visited it before. Which is odd, but probably something John never wanted (there are also some references that they hardly ever talked about their mom… no wonder the boys and especially Dean never had the chance to actually mourn the loss of their mother and find a healthy way to accept her death… or any family death at all). They also mention an uncle of Mary they never met, which opens the question: what about the rest of the family? We learn in 4x03 that Marys parents died before the boys were born, but still she had an uncle and I dunno grandparents, cousins, something like that? And though we learned about the fate of Henry Winchester in 8x12 John still had a mother (and 4x03 suggested at least a surrogate father). What about all that expanded family? Where were they after Marys death? Why was nobody concerned after John took off with his sons? Especially after we learn that Marys family was full of hunters. She died under very suspicious circumstances and then what? Nobody investigated? Nobody reached out to John to help him with his sons? I think this is something that really doesn’t make a lot of sense and it feels that for once the writers didn’t think that aspect through.   

So Zombies. Finally. We’re only at season two and there are still a lot of genre typical monsters we haven’t seen yet and this of course is a classic. Though Supernatural is a bit inconsistent on their Zombie lore. Like people don’t just start coming out of their graves, it usually takes someone to raise them. Here it is Neil, in 4x07 it is Samhain and in 5x15 it is Death. And at least in this episode and 5x07 Zombies aren’t portrayed as brainless shell trying to eat you (well in 5x07 they do get hungry after a while). Instead, at least in the beginning they appear normal, just like their old selves, until at one point they turn. Angela in this episode acts way more like a vengeful spirit than anything else (which is probably why Sam & Dean thought they were dealing with a ghost at first). While everyone identifies her as the monster she has become, she claims she is still a person. And it makes us wonder how much of her was still left and how much of her violent behaviour was based on the fact that she was brought back. And in a neat parallel this episode reminds us that she is not the only one back from the dead, acting out in a way she wouldn’t have while she was still alive. If Angela came back and changed, then what about Dean?

The episode focus on question only a genre show could ask, but they are nevertheless important. Say you can bring back the dead, should you? As Dean asked, who gives you the right? Can people come back wrong from the dead? Are we allowed to interfere into the natural order? And what are the consequences? And what about the person you brought back, how does it make them feel? This story focus on the dead, or more specific the undead. It is not about Neil or Angelas father. It is about her, and it is about Dean. Now nothing about Angela is natural: she looks like a corpse and everything around her dies. An evil force brought her back and not only poisoned the ground around her but herself. Angela is trapped inside the feelings she felt when she died: the betrayal, the pain, the anger her boyfriend brought to her. And now she is feeding on them, unable to let go and find peace. 

Dean doesn’t remember dying. He doesn’t remember Tessa or being in a coma. In 4x15 he states that the whole year after his father died he felt like something was missing, like having a hole in his gut. By now he has figured out what happened: the miracle that brought him back to life was his father making a deal (Sam has probably figured out as much as well, maybe even sooner, but didn’t brought it up). This is the second time after 1x12 that someone else died instead of Dean. But this time it is worse because he knew the person that died for him, knows that his dad gave his life willingly to save his son. And Dean, who never thinks he is worth anything, wishes he hadn’t. As much as he didn’t want to die, he now thinks that maybe it would have been better this way. That he wouldn’t have to live through the incredible pain his fathers death brought him.  That it wasn’t his fathers decision to decide for him (Dean) to live and to give his life for that. That it wasn’t fair. Because for now Dean has to live with the knowledge that he is the reason his father is dead. Because that is exactly how he sees everything that has happened. There is nothing right about it. So when he says that the Angela that has been brought back isn’t even herself anymore, he vocalizes his own worst fear: That what was brought back isn’t him anymore, but just a shattered, broken version of himself. Really nothing to give his life for.


	18. 2x05

3 years ago + [5 notes](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/123898132257/spnhellatusrewatch-episode-2x05)

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x05

As always, includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23. **  
**

**2x05 Simon said Or the one with the evil twin**

  
Don’t ever say this show doesn’t give you the cheap soap opera tropes you are all secretly lusting for. Of course, this is the first Ben Edlund Episode and its showing. And a great example of mood whiplash, something this show is kinda an expert for. It’s all barbarian queens riding polar bears until it’s not.

This is the first episode of season 2 where we focus on the special children arc. So far we’ve only seen Max Miller in 1x14, and just as in that episode we watch Andy and Weber here, and immediately compare them with Sam. Every special children is a potential Sam, a life he could have had, a path he could have chosen. And as this connection is pretty clear right from the start, not only the viewers but Sam and Dean as well investigate this case with these thoughts in the back of their minds.

But first things first, we’re back in the Roadhouse. And Dr. Badass is in, yeah. Dean is at this point already concerned other hunters might be interested in Sam and the other special children. This might have something to do with his encounter with Gordon Walker; in Gordons strict black-and-white-moral Sam would be doomed to death (which later turns out to be true). Or maybe he asked himself how he would have reacted if Sam wasn’t his brother. After all he later admits under Andys control to be afraid that something terrible is indeed about to happen (and in conclusion he won’t be able to save Sam).Ash of course wants to know more about the case, as does Ellen at the end. It is a tricky situation for the brothers, as they aren’t sure who they can trust. Dean insists to keep things inside their family, this means him and Sam, while Ellen demands the truth and wants to know about a possible danger. They’re both right about it, but I liked the fact that in the end Sam came clean, decided to trust Ellen and reached out for help. Jo isn’t around much, as she is treated mostly as a child who isn’t allowed to be around when the adults talk, a theme that will be explored at length in the next episode. Then again she is the reason we see one of the greatest lovestories in Spn unfold: Dean and sappy lovesongs. So thanks for that Jo, you did good. Also, Dean is afraid of Ellen. As he should be.

And here comes Andy. Such a great character. Such a great car. Such a dick brother. But we will come to this later. Andy of course has a much cooler power as Sam. And one that is much more powerful. Mind control, just imaging the things he could do. Instead he lives in a van, and as it seems causes no harm. He later says he never used mind control on Tracy, indicating he never used his power in a way that would be portrayed as rape or abuse. Sure he can get what he wants, but really the harm he does in comparison to the things he could do is nothing. Most people would have sooner or later abused his powers and it illustrates the kind of guy Andy is quite clear: he is one of the good guys. Which is very important to remember as this story unfolds and we see what he is capable to do. 

Weber on the other hand illustrates the worst case scenario here: he uses his power to make people kill themselves. As it is later revealed he was already manipulated by Yellow Eyes; this is the first time it is shown that Yellow Eyes tries to form the special children. He only visits them in their dreams, he only uses words so far, but the damage is already done. He tells Weber that he is special, that he, with his powers, is above ordinary people, so their laws don’t apply to him anymore. That he, in conclusion, is less human, or in his eyes, above them, having the power to control them. 

I really like the use of twins here (not only for the evil twin plot twist, mind you), both with the same power, who turn out to be such different men altogether. It shows us that not the power makes them evil, reminding us that it is something involuntary given to them, but how they use it. Going back to Sam it means he isn’t doomed per se, that he doesn’t have to be evil, but can choose a different path, that he has a choice after all. It is interesting to see how different Dean and Sam react to Andy: while Sam pleads him guilty almost immediately, Dean defends him and is suspicious. Because although it is pretty clear quite soon that Andy has some wicked powers, Dean refuses to believe those powers make him evil, just as he refuses to think they make Sam evil. He desperately wants to believe Andy is one of the good guys, because it means that Sam can be saved after all, that he doesn’t have to kill his brother. Sam of course thinks of himself as doomed. He remembers what happened to Max Miller, the first kid who abused his powers, and now it seems as history is repeating itself. In the end Andy kills his brother, and though there is no doubt he did the right thing, the fact remains that he became a killer. “ _Right circumstances, everyone’s capable of murder. Everyone._ ” Sam summarizes it all too well. If a good guy as Andy is capable of murder everyone is. Sooner or later Yellow Eyes will find a way to break them all, to use their powers to do horrible things. And Sam sees himself already as killer, even though he only kills monsters. But Weber was a monster as well, but a human one. So where should we draw the line? It is the second time a special children died, both times not at the hands of Winchesters, but the uneasy feeling remains.

On a larger scale it is interesting to observe Andy and Webers relationship as brothers. Weber wanted to kill Tracy because he thought she was standing between him and Andy. He killed his birth mother and Dr. Jennings for the same reason, making them responsible for separating him from his brother. Let’s talk about co-depency, y’all. And of course we have the conflict of the good brother vs the evil brother, the good one killing the bad one in the end. It foreshades the conflict of the current season, that Dean might have to kill Sam, and the great conflict of season 1 to 5, where Michael has to kill Lucifer (and Dean Sam as their respective vessels). Andy and Weber of course never had the same relationship as Sam and Dean, they never grow up together and the little interaction they had was messed up from the beginning. Still they are brothers, twins actually, so in a way Andy killed the dark part of himself when he shot Weber. 

Mythology related we learn two things: one, the powers started to show when the special children turned 22. I don’t know if there is anything special about that age, seeing as they are all of age but still young enough (and vulnerable enough) to manipulate them . The other thing is that we learn that not every mother died in a nursery fire, which makes it almost impossible to track down every kid.  

Also this is the first time we see some sort of truth-spell forced on the boys, as Andy orders them to tell the truth. We will see it again in 6x06, and as Dean isn’t the one to talk about his feelings, it feels as the show has to use such plot elements to force him to (it reminded me of 1x06, where we needed shifter!Dean to reveal some of Deans innermost feelings). I think it goes without saying that I would sell a non-vital organ to have a Dean & Cas episode with a truth spell (a girl can dream).


	19. 2x06

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x06

Includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

**2x06 No exit or The one with the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man**

  
After seeing only bits of Ellen and Jo we finally have an episode focusing on them, especially on Jo. Fortunately this episode doesn’t concentrate so much on the romantic undertones between Jo and Dean (though there is a bit of teasing and flirting), but instead as we explore Jos life and her reasons to become a hunter I couldn’t help but compare Jos upbringing to that of Sam and Dean. Ellen and Jo not only add a female narrative to this show, but show us that every hunters story is individual, and there are still choices left.

The theme of choice or let’s say free will vs destiny is something we will explore on large in season 4 and 5, but we see it already played out in miniature in the previous seasons. The brothers so far presented the hunters life as something without much choice. Both had other plans for their lives, and at least Sam tried to turn his back on his old life. Of course he was ultimately dragged back into it, making it seem that even though you might stop hunting the things in the dark those things in return don’t stop hunting you. Sam made a choice but in the end it backfired horrible. Dean admits in this episode that he wished he could do something else, but doesn’t do it because he was brought into this life too young. That is bullshit of course, Dean could still choose another life. The reason he doesn’t is that for once he has seen too much to turn his back on it, always being aware of the things out there. The other thing is that Dean doesn’t believe he is anything more than a hunter, that he never succeeded anywhere else, that ultimately his life isn’t worth much more than the job he is doing. Jo on the other hand is presented to us as someone who has still options. She could go to school, have a normal life. Of course growing up among hunters she already identifies with them and their life style and as Dean put it, has some romantic ideas about this life. Dean knows the cold hard reality. We sometimes forget this because it is TV land and we know Sam and Dean will always survive (or come back from the dead, for that matter), but the reality of their job is that they can die on a daily level. Dean thinks of himself as a lost cause, but he sees Jo here, a bright young woman, and he wants more for her, just as her mother (placing their relationship more than ever in the siblings-category, at least from Deans POV). 

Eventually Jo and Dean bond over their fathers. Jos reason to become a hunter is that this way she feels closer to her late father, that it is a way to reconnect with him. Dean, the one who drives his father’s car, wears his leather jacket, and listens to his father’s music, can relate. Jos father died too young that we can know how he would have raised his daughter, if he would have encouraged her to become a hunter herself. After her husband’s death Ellen of course did her best to keep Jo away from the hunter life (well as much as she could running a bar that is a hunter hotspot). She wanted her to have a normal life, to find her own path, and of course to keep her safe. Deans conversation with Jo really tells a lot about Johns upbringing. He tells Jo that a mother that worries about her and wants more for her is indeed a good thing. Seeing as this is the season where Dean starts to view his father in a more negative way, it could indicate that John never wanted more for his sons, that he never gave them a choice, always expecting them to become hunters as well. The big fight he had with Sam when he after all still made his own choices confirms that. There is also the significant pause that follows after Jo asks Dean what is the first thing that pops into his head thinking about his dad. Probably not a fun story. And even the story he tells her in the end, leaves a bitter taste. His first good memory of his dad is one where John was proud of Dean after succeeding in something that could count as a hunting skill (shooting balls on a fence). Of course we know that John rarely showed his son how proud he was, so much that Dean immediately knew something was off when he did in 1x22 and 2x01. While Jo wants to reconnect with her dad, Dean on the other hand distances himself more and more from John, or at least starts to see him more critically. 

The episode ends with a majorly pissed Ellen (no surprise) and the reveal of the tragic backstory every hunter seems to carry. That John had a part in the death of Jos dad. And while 2x02 indicates that Ellen eventually forgave John, she is still afraid history is repeating itself. She was every right to be. And while Sam and Dean had nothing to do with that, they still carry around his legacy, in this case the blood that was on John’s hands. After all, you can’t outrun your past.


	20. 2x07

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x07

Includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23

 

**2x07 The usual suspects or The one where I didn’t get that reference (it happens)**

  
Because I never saw “The Exorcist” and didn’t recognize Linda Blair and the whole joke was lost on me. This is probably how Cas feels all the time (or felt *blissfullyignoringthepopcultureretcon*).

This is a neat episode. Another ghost story, but with a good twist. I liked the structure of this episode, how most of it was told in flashbacks, and how it focused on the narrative element: the story the brothers told didn’t match the actual story. It is also another time the Winchesters face the law: this is a theme that was actually quite prominent in the first seasons, we even explore it more with the introduction of Victor Henriksen. It is kinda absent in season 4 to 6, but with the Leviathans posing as Winchesters and putting them on every “most wanted”-list, it recurred in season 7, but vanished again since season 8. I admit I kinda miss this story element, because I think it made the story more authentic. What the Winchesters do isn’t exactly  legal and it only makes sense that they would face the law sooner or later or that someone (Victor!) would eventually puzzle together the bigger picture and hunt them down. How can it be that two guys, whose photos have been in every police data base after season 7, can still pose as FBI agents? It’s TV logic, I know, I know, but I preferred it when things like this weren’t dismissed and the brothers had to confront the consequences of their jobs.

It is also interesting to see an outsider POV of the Winchesters: to every normal person without knowledge of the supernatural they must appear as lunatics. During Sam interrogation it is clear that Dean is the one whose image is that of a bad guy (clearly the events of 1x06 didn’t help in that matter), Sam is the one who can still be saved. Going through their records the detectives probably wondered how Sam, the Standford student with a bright future ahead of him, ended up here. Opposed to that the mythology of the show portrays Sam as the dark one, the boy king with demon blood pumping through his veins, Lucifers vessel. Dean on the other hand is associated with the divine, Micheals sword in the shape of a boy.

The episode also portrays how well-matched the brothers relationship is. Even while separated they work together. It gives an insight on the daily life of the boys: they spend 24/7 together. Of course they are prepared for all kind of emergencies (like being caught by the police). And over time they started to think alike (at least when it comes to hunting), using the same analytic methods. When they are not fighting their relationship can be rather symbiotic.

The motw-aspect of the episode centers around the question this season will ask again and again: what is evil? Once again the villain wasn’t the supernatural being but a human. And once again said evil human isn’t brought down by a Winchester. It has a lot of parallels to 1x15. In both cases the murderer is killed by an officer of the law, both times a woman. In both cases one could discuss if it was actually self-defence (in this case probably more than back then in 1x15). Two women killed a man who brought them incredible pain: in 1x15 Pa Bender was responsible for Deputy Hudak brothers death; here Pete is the one who killed three innocent people and abused the trust and love Diana put in him. Both woman had a rather personal motive to kill the guy, beyond the fact those guys were killers. Did they deserve to die? That’s a though moral question and one the Winchesters didn’t had to answers, as they weren’t the ones who pulled the trigger. 2x03 told us that supernatural doesn’t equal evil. But why it is morally accepted to kill the supernatural that turns out to be evil, it doesn’t apply to humans. The evil human of 2x03, Gordon Walker, hasn’t been killed. And in the context of the season those questions apply to the special children as well: are they still human? Or do we consider them as supernatural beings? And do their abilities make them evil sooner or later? The two times a special children has died so far it wasn’t by the hands of a Winchester either (Max killed himself in 1x14 and Andy killed Weber in 2x05). There is a whole lot of moral grey area here and a lot of very interesting question asked, so far without a definite answer. 

I really liked this episode for the variation of the ghost theme, the unusual structure it has been told, and the questions it raised.


	21. 2x08

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x08

As always includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

 

**2x08 Crossroad Blues or The one where nobody got the moral of the story**

Like the lesson of this episode is very simply “Don’t make deals”. Which is a rule that none of the Winchesters ever followed. Like at all. If watching it for the first time wasn’t painful enough rewatching it makes it super painful thinking of all the deals the Winchesters will make in the future.

But, as always, let’s start at the start. Back then in the good old days when MySpace was still a thing. As someone who actually had a MySpace page this makes me feel incredible old. There is also a little connection to the previous episode, confirming that Dean is now officially in the Fed’s database. But nevermind, he can still pose as a FBI agent, who uses this database anyway? (Apparently none of the law enforcement the Winchesters are working  with)

We quickly dive into the topic of deals, after Sirius Bla… I mean big black dogs are dismissed as culprits. (I also wonder of all geniuses who died rather young may have made deals after all) This is of course a topic that hits painfully close to home, because the brothers have by now figured out that their dad probably made a deal to save Dean. And everything Dean does and says reflects his knowledge of this and how he feels about it. It starts with Deans initial refusal to help the people who made a deal. He thinks they are responsible for their fate, digging their own grave. The question isn’t even if he is maybe right about this (I don’t think he is) but why he acts this way. It is out of character for him to outright refuse to help people. His anger about their deals isn’t about them, it is about his dad. Because his dad left him. And his anger doesn’t need to follow any logic; grief never does. 

There is of course a consent issue with making deals, seeing as they are made through a kiss. Dean says he likes to get a warning before he is violated by demon tongue; but then the accusation of rape goes two ways. After all the demons still possess humans. Demons in the mythology of Spn are often associated with accusations of rape and consent issues, so in a way it is tragically fitting that a deal starts with such a forced violated act. 

We learn that out of the 4 people who made a deal only one made a deal for not entirely selfish reasons; Evan who made a deal to save his wife. All the others, who made deals for talent and fame, are dead by the end of this episode. It presents a strange kind of moral here, because it indicates those people in a way deserved to die. The show doesn’t make a great deal to portray them as victims or innocent, when they were in fact. Except for George nobody knew the deal would really work, none of them had knowledge of the supernatural. Maybe they thought it was a joke. And while their wishes were mostly for their own benefit, they didn’t hurt anyone either. Those people weren’t awful persons and they didn’t deserve to die so horribly. George is an exception because he knew what he was dealing with, expressed regret about the fact he brought the crossroad demon to town in the first place, and made his peace with dying and going to hell. 

And then there is Evan. By the time we meet him, he knows what is coming for him, and while he doesn’t want to die, he also doesn’t try to escape; he only makes sure his wife isn’t around to witness his death. He made a deal to save his wife, claiming that he would have died for her if it would mean she was going to live. Despite this Dean questions his motive, accusing him to be selfish after all, as he only made a deal so he wouldn’t be alone. Sounds familiar? I told you, this episode gets only worse if you watch it with the entire history of co-dependent Winchesters brothers in the back of your mind. He asks Evan how his wife would feel if only she knew he traded his life for hers. Of course this is Dean talking about his own situation, about the pain his fathers deal brought him, living with the knowledge that he died instead and for Dean. But it also foreshadows Sams emotional state in season 3, where he has to cope with the fact that Dean traded his life for him. Deans knows firsthand how horrible this knowledge is, but he makes a deal despite it. And we see the reason for this laid out already here.

During the conversation with the crossroad demon we see that Deans current emotional state goes deeper than grieving; it reveals that he is deeply depressed, even in a suicidal state. The demon talks about how the deal interrupted the natural order: how John was supposed to live a long life and Dean should be dead instead (given the events of 1x12 he cheated death even twice so far). And we know that Dean thinks that she is right. Not only is his father, who had been his solid rock his entire life, dead, but he is dead because of Dean. It doesn’t matter that John gave his life willingly to save Dean, in Deans eyes his own life isn’t worth a thing, and especially not his fathers life in exchange. Even more so as this episode confirms that John not only died, but went to hell, suffering horrible. There is a moment where Dean considers making a deal, bringing back his father, and as a bonus point he could spend ten more years with him (though we know Dean doesn’t even want ten years, he would have died for his father in a heartbeat). It would be his way to fix things, to restore the natural order, to release him from the pain and horrible burden Johns death caused him. He doesn’t do it in the end, and saves Evan instead, because it is the right thing to do and he knows it. But the thought of trading his life, of fixing things, to make his live something worth, stays in the back of his mind. And so the next time the offer returns he says yes without hesitation.


	22. 2x09

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x09

Includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

 

 

**2x09 Croatoan or The one with small town horror**

  
This episode uses a fairly common trope in horror, but one that never fails to deliver. Take a small town, isolated them from the rest of the world and see what happens. (You don’t even need a demonic virus, “Under the dome” pulled of three season so far with this setting) You can’t tell such a story in a big town: for once it would be much more complicated to cut them off. The other thing is that a lot of the horror and drama from this episode is caused by the fact that these people know each other: they are neighbours, colleagues, friends and family. There is a community here, one you won’t find in a big city. Which I think is also the reason the majority of Spn episodes take place in small towns (at least it feels like that? Is there some data for that?). I wish we would have concentrated a little bit more on that aspect, on the people of this town, and the panic that begins to spread: suddenly everyone is suspicious of everyone, no one can trust anybody anymore. The episode tries to tell these stories as well, but as the main focus is on the brothers story, we only get to see these stories on the surface.

So, croatoan. I have to admit all my knowledge about American history is from movies and shows (I’m from Germany, we didn’t cover American history in school), so the word “Croatoan” didn’t ring a bell for me. I like the theory that is presented in this episode. As the real historic events aren’t mysterious enough let’s assume a demon was responsible. It also gives the dark side a complete new horrifying weapon. We’re talking about biological warfare here. And it is also established that there isn’t a cure. There isn’t really a happy end here, the infected people just vanish, a complete town is just gone. And then this show kinda forgets about it until the apocalypse. And though we see a very frightening vision of what this virus can do in 5x04, the threat never feels real in a way. After all 5x04 never showed us the future but one version of a possible future (and one that is created for the sole purpose of Dean saying yes to Michael) and then the virus gets destroyed later in season 5 before there is a lot of damage caused. What I’m saying is the show never used the real potential this storyline could have had. But then again it is painful enough already, even without the zombie apocalypse.

The brothers then. Or more specific Dean. Like mythology related we explore a bit more of special child Sam, with his vision and the fact that he is immune (and in the end it seems the whole thing was a test rum from the dark side to see if he is immune at all… casually destroying a town for the boy king). But ultimately this episode is about Dean, about his emotional state, and not all about it is caused by his fathers death (teasing to reveal Sam secret at the end). It starts with the teaser where we see Dean killing an what it appears innocent young men. Dean thinks he must have had a good reason, but Sam has already his doubts, seeing how on the edge Dean is ever since their dad died. This is confirmed once the brothers know what they are dealing with and Deans determination to kill everyone who is infected. And in the case of Duane it even goes so far that he is willing to kill him before he knows for sure that he is infected; he know it happened in Sams vision and so it almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The whole season centers around the question of the human nature, about what is it that makes us evil, and that supernatural doesn’t always equal being evil. All of these questions of course with the fate of the special children (and therefore Sams fate) in the back of our minds. And Dean is more than willing to kill everything supernatural. He was willing to kill the vampires in 2x03 although Sam had doubts. He was willing to kill Max in 1x14. He only expressed doubts to kill Andy in 2x05, and this of course was after what his father told him in 2x01. With everything he knows about the special children (and the possible danger they bear) his moral compass isn’t working anymore. Even more so as this becomes something personal with Sams involvement. I think his new found determination to kill everything remotely supernatural is caused by the knowledge he might have to kill Sam. And knowing deep down that he can’t. So instead he kills everything else that could be a possible threat. But Sam doesn’t know this yet.

This episode even gets darker when we further explore Deans emotional state, something we have seen already in the previous episode and becomes more explicit here: that Dean wants to die. It seems as he only waited for the right opportunity; right here with Sam infected, with the knowledge that he couldn’t save his brother after all, it seems to be the right place. Dean admits that he is tired, of their job and of their life. So far Sam can only assume that his brothers behaviour is caused by their fathers death, but we learn it is more than that. We have to wait for the big reveal up to the next episode, but as we rewatch it we already know Deans state of mind. His father is dead, his brother might die as well (after he turns into something monstrous), he couldn’t save either of them. There is no upside here, no cause for hope. Deans life is based on his job and his family and he feels that he failed both. This show portrays the struggle both brothers find themselves again and again over time: the need to fight, to survive, to find a solution vs the need to rest, to give up, to find peace. There isn’t an easy way out of here. And for me one of the reasons this shows means so much to me is that we explore these dark sides as well; they don’t get ignored or belittled. Deans struggle is real, his suicidal identification is real, and it won’t be resolved until the end of season 3. Not only takes this episode a big step to further explore the mythology of the season but the brothers emotional journey as well. We see the reasons why Dean is so willing to give his own life in 2x22 already spelled out here. And the road ahead of them isn’t much brighter.


	23. 2x10

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x10

As always, includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23 (this time for real).

**2x10 Hunted or The one with the destiny crap**

Another round of the special children, exploring themes that have been prominent all season, but this time we throw in another big word: destiny. Of course the whole Kripke era is about destiny vs free will, but whereas season 5 is go big or go home, season 2 plays it out in miniature. In case of the special children we ask ourselves: Is there are a choice or are we all doomed to play out our destiny? This episode, and overall this show, gives us the answer that we do have choice, that nobody is born or designated to become evil, that in the end we are masters of our own fate. But while the story of all the other special children ends after season 2, Sams journey continues. And we know that he will break, that he will resign, that his choice as well is taken from him before he succeeds. And within the life of the other special children we will see parts of the road that is still ahead of him. But as always, let’s start at the beginning.

And what a good start that is. I really liked the teaser, from the music to the way this whole sequence was shot. It is the second time we see a special child, in this case Scott, talking about Yellow Eyes visiting in his dreams. I have a lot of feelings about Scott. We later learn that he was a normal young man, up to the point where his abilities started. We never knew about the whole extent. We only know he accidently killed the neighbours cat, and as it seems unlikely he learned to control his powers he probably avoided social contact/touching (he reminds me of Lily and her ability). He had nightmares, became depressed and paranoid. This episode doesn’t just ask if someone could be born evil but if they are ways to manipulate someone to become evil. We know that Yellow Eyes manipulated Weber in 2x05 to kill people. Though Scott didn’t want to kill anybody, he is already mental unstable. And then of course there is also Avas story.

But before we talk about Ava cut back to Sam and Dean and Deans big secret, Johns last words. Of course there is a fundamental difference between watching this season for the first and the second time around when we already know what John told Dean and therefore have an explanation for his behaviour the previous episodes. So John knew. Of course, as it is mentioned in this episode, a good hunter could have tracked down enough information to learn about the special children. And John was probably the one who knew most about Yellow Eyes. John instructed Dean to save his brother, but ultimately, if he couldn’t, to kill him. That’s heavy. Would John have the guts? Gordon thinks he would, which again puts John on the same side as Gordon or least force us to compare those two men… it is not very flattering for John. But then John thought that Sam could be saved, not believing in an inevitable destiny for him.  Still, are you able to kill the one you love for a greater good? It is a question that will actually appear again and again; it started with Sam who couldn’t kill a possessed John in 1x22, Dean who couldn’t kill Cas in 7x01, again Dean who couldn’t let Sam die even if it would have closed the gates of hell in 8x23 and once again Dean who didn’t kill Sam in 10x23. The only time the circle is broken is in 5x22, and as this was where the show should have originally ended, it would have meant Sams ultimate sacrifice. But I think the point of this conversation isn’t whether or not Sam is evil or if Dean has to kill him, but whether or not Dean or even more so John should have told Sam sooner. Sam feels betrayed because such a vital information has been hold back from him. It would have been Johns job to tell Sam, no matter if this information scared the hell out of him. It is Sams right to know. Dean might wished his father never told him, never begged him to keep it a secret from Sam, but it is a whole different case for Sam. John thought that Dean might be able to save Sam, but he never thought that Sam could be the one to save himself. There is a pattern throughout the years where we see how Sams agency is taken from him, often from Dean, in ways he thinks to protect his brother. But sometimes the only way to save someone is to let them save themselves, and it’s a lesson Dean still needs to learn.

This is the second time we see the boys separated after 1x11. Dean doesn’t want to further investigate the special children, afraid of the things he might find out and what that could mean for Sam. Sam on the other hand wants as much information as he can get, in a way to gain control again over his life. I wonder if Yellow Eyes always counted on his special children to seek each other out; both Sam and Ava saw other children through their visions and gathered enough information to find them. But then he wanted them to be isolated, without making connections or working together, because with all their powers they might had been able to fight the demon who haunted them. Mythology-related we learn two things in this episode: 1) only 4 special children lost their mother in a nursery fire and 2) Yellow eyes refers to his children as soldiers and speaks about an oncoming war. I think Yellow Eyes plan in the long run was not only to open the gates of hell but furthermore to find the perfect vessel for Lucifer, so the oncoming war might refer to the apocalypse as well.

Let’s talk about Ava. I really liked Ava the first time I saw this episode and despite knowing what she will become I still liked her the second time. I was a bit surprised when I realized we only saw her in two episodes. But just look at her here. She has this ordinary life when she starts to have visions. Of course she is freaked out at first but after she learned that her visions became true you know what she did when she had another vision? She left immediately and tried to warn Sam. She helped him, despite being just thrown into a giant freak show. Unlike Sam she didn’t grew up with the knowledge of the supernatural, but despite being really scared she did everything she could to keep him save. All she wanted was to have her normal life back. And of course you can’t help to think about the woman she becomes in 2x21. There is nothing here that indicates that she is evil, she doesn’t say or do anything suspicious. She is kind, she cares. She is innocent. And yet we know that she will break, that the demon found ways to create a monster out of her. The murder of her financé was the first step. And this of course is a fate she shares with Sam; Sam lost Jess as well. And in the end the fact that Sam grew up upon monsters is the thing that saved him from becoming one himself; that his past experiences taught to him to do better. Despite all his suffering he learned to become a better man. But then we also know what became of Sam after his brother died in 3x11 and 3x16; not even he is unbreakable, we all carry monsters inside us. 

And if you thought I would finish this rewatch without talking about Gordon, sorry. As Sam and Dean already join team free will (first edition) Gordon enters team destiny. It is after all fitting that someone who divides the world strictly into black and white would believe in destiny as well, or more so in the fact that people (or  monsters, because I think he considers the special children not as humans anymore) can’t change. Sam can’t be saved because he is meant to be evil. Scott was killed although he never harmed anyone (besides the cat… accidently). In Gordons own twisted world view he kills them as precaution, to avoid further damage. He even compares Sam with Hitler, asking Dean if he had the chance to kill Hitler before he became a dictator, would he do it? If you read my sidebar you know I’m from Germany and I’m always a bit wary if Hitler is brought up in a way that indicates without him there wouldn’t have been the third reich or the second world war. I don’t believe you can pin something so complex on one single person. Without him there would have been someone else. Even more, I don’t think he was a monster; he was a human who did monstrous things and that is far worse. The distinction for me between a monster and a monstrous human is that a monster is just evil, whereas a human always have a choice. Nobody is born evil, but maybe everybody can become evil. Gordon never makes this differentiation, he divides the world into the supernatural and the natural, claiming everything supernatural to be evil. He even says that he is not a killer, but a hunter. By that definition killing Scott wasn’t a murder but a hunt, something that had to be done, but nothing vicious. Sam in the end proves him wrong: he has the chance to kill Gordon but doesn’t. Instead he informs the police: again a human villain is brought down by the law instead by the Winchesters. Unless Pa Bender from 1x15 or Pete from 2x07 Gordon isn’t killed by an officer of the law; it is interesting to see that when he finally dies (by the hand of Sam Winchesters after all) he isn’t human anymore. In an ironic twist of fate the Winchesters in a way follow Gordons lead and only kill evil if it is supernatural.

This got a bit longer than I had planed, I guess I got carried away. Anyway, a good mytharc-episode, with heavy on the feels concerning the special children.


	24. 2x11

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x11

(I wanted to write this yesterday but then Gotg was on television)

As always includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

**2x11 Playthings or The one where Dean is kinda butch**

Ahhh, creepy ghost children. We haven’t had them in a while and what can I say? I really like them in a I-pissed-my-pants kinda way. I general liked the whole atmosphere of this episode, the old haunted house, the décor etc. Because I have never seen “The Shining” I didn’t get half the references in this episode, though an episode that takes place in a haunted hotel kinda screams for it.

We start with the boys still looking for Ava, until it is finally Sam who decides they should work again. Ironically enough a lot of the things Dean expected Sam to do – “ _I just figured after Ava there’d be, uh, you know, more angst and droopy music and staring out the rainy windows_ ” – describes Deans behaviour after he got out of purgatory and thought he had lost Cas for good. And there is another parallel to a behaviour we will later see with Dean; Sam decides to start hunting again because he wants to save as many people as he can. This is very similar to Dean post hell in season 4, who tries to do the same thing. The difference of course is that Sam tries to prevent becoming evil whereas Dean tries to redeem himself for the things he has done in hell. Sam believes there might be a chance to change his destiny  (as he assumes there is something like a destiny in the first place); if he only saves enough people he doesn’t have to be evil. The tragic irony of course is that though Sam doesn’t turn evil in season 2 he will surrender to his dark desires in season 4 by starting to consume demon blood (though with good intentions and at a pretty dark point in his life). Sam constantly tries to outrun his so-called destiny, and after giving in thinks the only way to redeem himself is by sacrificing himself for either a greater good (5x22 & 8x23) or because he believes this way no one is gonna be hurt anymore because of him (9x01).  Sams self-perception as someone or rather something evil starts here and it will further develop after he learns he has been infected with demon blood, believing it is in his DNA, and his strong desire to come “clean” again. Within this episode it culminates in Sams drunk confession that he is afraid of the thing he might become and his forced promise that Dean will take him out if necessary. Cut to 10x09 and Dean who wants Cas to promise him to do the same, to take him out if he goes dark again. Both brothers developed a weird kind of responsibility in where they think it is better they’re gone then to turn in one of the things they usually hunt. I think Deans promise here is never meant real, he said what Sam wanted him to say, in a strange way to comfort his brother, hoping Sam would have forgotten their conversation in the morning. But because this show feeds on man pain he doesn’t. Both John and Sam lay the responsibility of Sams fate on Deans shoulders (applause for Dean calling John an ass for doing that), creating a burden no one could carry. While Sam is drunk he reveals his biggest fear; we see a frighten boy who turns to his big brother, as he always did. But sober again Sam realizes the conflict he created and though he reminds Dean of his promise he probably already knows Dean won’t get through with it. It is a constant conflict; the boys never sacrifice each other but only themselves.

Something else about this episode is that Sam and Dean are mistaken as gay again. Sure this didn’t happen the first time, but I think it is worth to take a closer look here for what it tells us about Dean. Because the brothers reaction is quite different; whereas Sam quickly dismisses Susan and tells her they are brothers Dean is still thinking about it. He asks Susan what she means with her reply that they look the type and even later, after the conversation has already changed the subject, he wonders why these people mistake Sam and him as gay. I think it is established that Dean isn’t homophobe so he surely didn’t see it as an insult. I therefore think it is a valid interpretation that Dean might be afraid Susan saw something in him he tries to repress as much as he can. Dean has been influenced much more by the macho-male-attitude of the white underclass than Sam. For one thing Sam always tried to be different than his father and his time at college helped him to develop a more liberal worldview. Even Sams explanation fits in with this; he thinks people assume Dean might be overcompensating in his whole macho-male-behaviour.  Ironically an argument that is often used against a queer reading of Dean serves here as the explanation why macho-Dean could be queer after all (other than the fact that queer men are no more or less masculine than straight guys). This show often presents use scenes like this, who look funny on the surface but have a deeper meaning once you look closer. And it is interesting how you can go back so far and find examples of scenes that could be red as queer (even in season 1), way before Cas and therefore a possible male love interest was introduced (angels are of course genderless, but within the show and especially the way Dean reacts to him we are meant to see Cas as male). There has always been this ambiguous writing, which would allow the show to make Dean canonically queer without acting out of character.

At last let’s talk about Maggie. For the record I always wanted a dollhouse like that as a child (though with less creepy dolls). Also Deans cover story that Sam is interested in dolls is another example for Dean projecting ; he gives Sam an interest in something that is typically associated as female – dolls – and therefore makes Sam stereotypical gay and makes Dean in contrast look more straight (at least he hopes so – it is weird Dean Winchester repressing logic). But I wanted to talk about Maggie. I really liked the whole idea of an imaginary friend who then turns out to be a ghost – especially as Maggie is treated for the greater part of this episode as if she is real and we only learn in the third act that only Tyler was able to see her. The question is if Maggie is really evil. She died as a child, before she was old enough to develop a sense of morality and responsibility. This is established in the way she treated her victims literary as toys; to her it is all just a game. She doesn’t want to lose the only home she ever had and she turns to Tyler because he thinks her own sister, Rose, doesn’t love her anymore (though this is not confirmed I can only imagine Maggies ghost haunted Rose as a child and then her nanny taught her a way to keep her away). She never had the chance to grow up and remained a child forever. Maybe it is because of that that her bones aren’t burned; she is portrayed as a child and maybe the show didn’t wanted the Winchesters to kill her again. In the end she is reunited with her sister. But though Susan and her daughter moved out the hotel is still to be destroyed and I now there are two creepy ghost children trying to defend their only home (as spirits are bound to certain places). I guess the show kinda forget about that? Anyway, a solid motw-episode, with a great classic horror movie atmosphere.


	25. 2x12

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x12

Includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23. **  
**

**2x12 Nightshifter or The one with the robots (well, almost)**

  
And another round of Winchesters vs the law. I think I mentioned it before but I really miss those episodes because they added a very real conflict to the show. And with the introduction of Ronald we also have Winchesters vs civilians, raising a few interesting questions there as well.

So Ronald. How can you not love him? After Ed & Harry he is another character who could be attributed to geek culture, though were Ed and Harry are mostly mocked he is portrayed in a different way. We, along with the Winchesters, know that his theory about Mandroids isn’t right but for someone who doesn’t know about the world of the supernatural and shapeshifters his theory isn’t that nonsense. Most people would have tried to find a more common explanation, but Ronald is the kind of guy who doesn’t stop asking questions and trusts his gut feeling. The research he did is solid and he got a lot of things right without being an expert like the Winchesters. One might wonder if he would have become a hunter as well if he had survived, because he doesn’t seem to be the kind of person who would have just let go. So far every hunter had a tragic backstory that turned them to become a hunter or was raised already in this community. But with all the people they saved, who then know what is out there, some of them would have started to investigate eventually. We will see this idea later developed within the characters of Garth and Charlie, who both stumbled into the world of the supernatural by accident and then decided to become hunters. It is implied in 3x12 that Victor might have become a hunter as well, and ironically he is introduced in this episode too.

The episode raises the question whether civilians deserve to know the truth or not. Very often the Winchesters can’t avoid it, but with Ronald they discuss the actual option. Dean, impressed by Ronalds research, think they should. And as Ronald finally learns the truth we see an important reason why in this case it was the right thing to do; Ronald is relieved that he is after all not crazy and didn’t imaging things. A lot of the victims we see over the years blame the post traumatic stress on the things they witnessed, they try to find a reasonable explanation. But some, like Ronald, want to know the truth. Sam argues that is better to keep them in the dark and this way safe. Ronalds death shows in a cruel way that he is right after all. Still it is a dilemma. Now and then they will encounter people who won’t let go and will become hunters after what they saw (Jody then fulfils the idea of Victor: a cop who becomes a hunter at the very idea of hunting everything that is evil, human and supernatural). Do people have a right to know the truth? Shouldn’t they be aware in order to defend themselves? Sams argument that they are not prepared fails any logic because without the knowledge in the first place how could they. Til today Supernatural portrays a universe where only a few people are aware of the things in the dark, dividing the world into the blissful unaware majority and the knowing minority (who sometimes wishes they wouldn’t know as well). 

So, let’s talk about Victor. Time for the (real) FBI to show up. Because after all it was only a matter of time until someone would made a connection between the several times they have been caught by the law. And again we are confronted with the outside view of the Winchesters. Victor says there is a monster inside the bank, although he of course means Dean and isn’t that ironic. A season that constantly asks us the nature of evil, that presents us monstrous humans and harmless monsters, and centers around the special children who are neither or both, we haven’t decided yet. It portrays Sam as non-human, as the one who might turn dark. But in the eye of the law Dean is considered the monster, Sam is just the tag-along. Interesting enough though Victor knows they are brothers he refers to them as Bonnie and Clyde, a romantic couple. He of course also sees John in a different way, up to the point where Dean defends his father, calling him a hero. So far Dean has started to see his father in a more critic way after his death, but I guess it is different when it comes from outside the family? He is still rather conflicted on how he should see his father.   
The episode ends with the use of a great song/montage. It is an episode that portrays the Winchesters in drastically different ways, always depending from which POV you see them. The episode ends with them wearing masks/clothes associated with criminals. Victor called Dean a monster. With this new added perspectives we have to ask ourselves how to define a hero/the good guy and how the Winchesters fit in this definition.


	26. 2x13

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x13

Includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

 

**2x13 Houses of the holy Or the one where I am team Sam**

 

This is one of those episodes where I remember vividly my first impression when I saw it: super exited. Because angels. And then: super disappointed. Because just another ghost. Basically Sams face during this whole episode was my face. 

I think angels aren’t that common in genre shows, or at least I don’t remember that much examples. At least not as much vampires and werewolves I’ve seen in my life. Hence my excitement. And yeah, for once I thought something good might have happened to the boys, some good power from high above, balancing out all the evil monsters. That is very much where Sam comes from as well, believing that with all the evil he witnessed there might be a counterbalance, someone who fights with them instead of against. When the show finally introduces angels *longinglooktoseason4* I really liked the way they portrayed them, not as fluffy guardian angels, but as warriors of God with their very own interest. And this concept of avenging angels is introduced here. This show is sometimes a bit unstable on their own mythology but everything we do learn in this episode about angels turns out to be true. I wonder if once they decided to use angels in the show they went back to the only episode that features them (well, kinda) and took the lore they introduced here to built there mythology on it. 

It is interesting to see what kind of people our angel-ghost (yes, this is a thing now) chooses to fulfil his mission. Gloria and the nameless dude are portrayed as social outcasts, whose life seems to appear to be a mess, and who search for redemption. They agree to kill a man in order to clean themselves, to make up for their past sins. And after it they are at peace. And Father Gregory thought Sam would fit in this line as well. Someone who has faith, who maybe lost their way, who looks for a way to redeem himself. I don’t think that Father Gregory could have known about Sams status as special child, the oncoming war etc but maybe years as a priest taught him how to read people and there was something about Sam that made him believe Sam was looking for redemption as well. A lot about what we know about ghosts doesn’t make sense here: for once the ghost appeared at several places when they are usually bound to one place or object. Also everyone who had witnessed him said they had felt something, a feeling like peace or grace. How was that possible? Is this what they felt because they wanted to? Because he said he was an angel and that was what they expected to feel? Also how come nobody had the time to give Father Gregory the last rite in two months?! When we later see it just takes about 5 minutes. I know they needed to portray this ghost differently so the audience would believe at first it wasn’t a ghost at all, but they never bothered with an explanation why this ghost could do all kind of things no other ghost was ever able to do. 

Of course this episode also contains a closer look on the theme of morality. Father Gregory believes to be an angel, that God spoke to him, and he is only fulfilling his will. He also says that the rules of men and the rules of God are different, justifying what he did. But God never spoke to him and instead Father Gregory made his own law. Even more so, the law of God is the law of men. Our law is in its principles based on the bible and the Ten Commandments, and it actually forbids murder. The people who were killed turned out to be actually evil, still the question remains if this justified their deaths. And very interesting the last guy, the one Sam was supposed to kill, hadn’t even done anything yet. Sam should have killed him as precaution, the very same way Gordon wanted to kill Sam as precaution. Dean argues that you can’t kill someone just because he is supposedly evil and he doesn’t intervene until he had a proof the guy was bad. Sam was faster to judge and that perhaps tells us how he sees himself as much as it told us how Dean sees his brother (presumption of innocence). On a random note Father Reynolds says that men can’t become angels. Why this is true we know that it works the other way around; men can’t become angels, but angels can become men. 

At its core this episode is of course about the brothers and the question of faith. This is not the first time we see them argue about it, the first time religion was introduced was in 1x12. And just like then we see Sam as the one who has faith and Dean as the one who hasn’t. In the end it is Dean who witnessed something that could have been Gods will (maybe some angels interfering?), it is Dean who will later by saved by the forces of heaven and who will associated with the divine as Michaels poster boy. Sam is the one with faith but gradually it will be taken away from him over the years and it makes you wonder if he still prays every day. Dean on the other hand doesn’t believe, and he is the one who will gain faith over the years. There will be a time where he prays every night, and just because it is an angel he prays to and not God it doesn’t change a thing. Dean prayers might have started as a joke but by season 8 we see him pray in the way most people do: without knowing if anyone is listening, but believing nevertheless. Though of course Deans belief is based on actual proof, he has seen angels and heaven with his own eyes (one of the reason he doesn’t believe in them back here). Ultimately Sam and Deans reason to believe/not believe are caused by the same thing; they are surrounded by evil, they have seen things our worst nightmares are made of. Dean thinks that is the reason why there can’t be anything good, because how could a God, how could angels just stand there and watch, how come good people die horribly when there is something powerful enough to prevent it.  Where were they when Mary died, the one who believed in them so much, who told her son they were watching over him (and oh, the irony). And that’s the reason Sam has to believe. Because he still needs something good in the world. He needs hope. He needs a wonder. He needs something powerful enough to rewrite his destiny. Little does he know that heaven wants him to fulfil exactly this destiny. It is the theodicy question played out in miniature. Of course there is no right or wrong here.


	27. 2x14

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x14

Sorry this took so long. There might be some heat records breaking this weekend in Germany and I feel like I didn’t have a resetting night of sleep for a week now, so this is a bit shorter and less detailed than usual.

As always, includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

 

**2x14 Born under a bad sign Or the one that makes us wonder about the lengths of love**

  
This episode gave me a lot of complicated thoughts about the brothers relationship. We know as an audience that Dean won’t kill Sam, that something must be wrong with Sam, but still. This episode centers around the question how far one can go and how deep a love can be, and at what point this very love can become dangerous, not only for the ones involved but for outsiders as well.

Rewatching and knowing that Sam is possessed the focus shifts from finding out what happened to Sam to rather watch Dean instead and seeing how he reacts. To the point where things might get scary. Dean wants to believe that Sam is good, that he can be saved, that in the end he doesn’t have to kill his kid brother. But at what price? Dean is confronted with the evidence that Sam killed a fellow hunter and nothing implies Sam had an actually good reason to do so (like self-defence) and… Dean destroys evidence. Not for one single second he doubts Sam or suspects him. I don’t know if this episode wanted to show us the ultimate trust and loyalty Dean has for his brother. If that was the intention they kinda failed because instead it just showed the danger of the codepent relationship the brothers have developed by now. One hunter died and it put both Jo and Bobby in danger. Dean witnessed how other special children have been manipulated by Yellow Eyes before but when it comes to Sam he refuses to simply think about it. He doesn’t actually had any proof that Sam was possessed, he just thought he could be, that there had be any other explanation for Sams behaviour than Sam going dark side. For as low Deans perception of himself is he has a tendency to put others on a pedestal, believing in them without a doubt. When they do make mistakes though, as every human, he has a hard time forgiving and letting go (cut to every time Dean brought up Ruby and demon blood after season 4 and Dean refusal to first believe Cas could have betrayed them and later to forgive him in season 6). Once Sam is himself again he calls out Dean for exactly this, that no matter what he did Dean refused to kill him. It might turned out to be right thing in the end, as it wasn’t the real Sam, but there is time when Dean simply doesn’t know this and he still never questioned Sam.

Let’s talk about Meg a bit. I sometimes forget that there were times where demons weren’t that much around and the Winchesters didn’t kill at least 5 of them every episode. It makes you wonder if the other special children have been possessed as well at one point and without the knowledge of demons just knew they blacked out and did something awful, believing themselves to be dangerous. Though it seems as most of them were manipulated by Yellow Eyes, making sure it were their own doings. It is interesting though that they were immune to the Croatoan virus but not possession. Meg of course knows how to play the game. She did a great performance of Sam, as we already know that the real Sam had begged Dean to kill him in case he would go dark side. Not sure if this was ever mentioned but it seems demons have access to the thoughts and memories of the ones they possess. There is also the conversation Meg!Sam has with Jo. She knows how to hurt Jo the right way, first with telling her Dean only sees her as a little sister (which is later confirmed as Dean refuses Jos offer to help him hunt Meg) and later with the story of how Jos dad died. I don’t think Meg actually knew how Jos dad died, how could she? Instead she forced Jo to tell her as much as she knew and made up the end. With John dead nobody could tell the truth anyway. And it doesn’t matter if this is what happened, the image is still in Jos mind, torturing her. We also see another example of demons and sexual assault. 

In the end it is of course Bobby who saves the day, because he is a paranoid little shit (makes you wonder does he always spikes his beer with holy water?). This episode is in a way a “What if…”-episode. What if Sam goes dark side, how would Dean react? We now know the answer. It is not a very comforting one.


	28. 2x15

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x15

I know I’m even more behind than usual and my only excuse is the weather. It has been extremly hot the entire week and it felt like my brain had melted in the process and I found it difficult to sleep and in general to concentrate. I try to post this more regular.

As always includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23. **  
**

**2x15 Tall Tales Or the one where we don’t have any time for your blah blah blah**

I just love this episode because it is one of the few times where nothing hurts. No boy-melodrama, no nothing. Giving the general dark themes this season this episode feels like a little break in between.

There isn’t really much to say about it. I loved the style this was told – changing from Deans POV to Sams POV and their exaggerated behaviour, giving both actors the chance to show their comedic talent. This is something I really like about this show, that how dark it can be, there is always a portion of humour in it and once in a blue moon we get episodes like this, who are wonderfully out of the box and quite entertaining. Not even the victims deaths change the mood because after all they were all douches and had it coming. There is a strange sense of poetic justice here and we see at least Dean admiring it a bit. Of course no one deserves to die just because they’re dicks. But within the world of this show the trickster is a lesser evil. Actually with the great power he has he could to much worse. So when he doesn’t die in the end I at least was a bit relieved because he is such a fascinating character and has a lot of potential (which this show fortunately used in later episodes).

Speaking about the trickster – rewatching this we of course already know we’re dealing with Gabriel here. It made me wonder how he spent his time before the apocalypse – moving from town to town, punishing people he thought didn’t deserve better. In his final dialogue with Lucifer in 5x19 Gabriel talks about humanity – how humans aren’t perfect but at the same time try to do better. And like I said, considering it is an archangel at work here he isn’t doing much harm – he is trying to teach some lessons and in his own twisted way he tries to shows the human how to do better. I’m not a huge fan of retcons but in this case it actually works out – even with the knowledge of the tricksters true identity nothing about this episode or this character is odd. It is even the other way around – what we know about the trickster later shapes our image of Gabriel. Pretty sure they didn’t knew back then that the trickster later would be revealed as Gabriel (as they didn’t plan to introduce angels to their mythology) but for once this twist worked out.

Other than that we see the brothers as…  well actual brothers including their fights and bickering. This is something we don’t see that often – how annoying it can be to spend 24/7 together. I love the little scenes that reveal something about their everyday life, boring stuff instead of the usual drama, and how unglamorous their life actually is. There isn’t much room for this in the greater scheme of things, so instead of a heavy mythology-based episode this one feels more like something as a little present for the fans, giving them a bit more insight to the characters and making them laugh for 40 minutes.  


	29. 2x16

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x16

As always includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

 

**2x16 Roadkill Or the one where Dean is a toaster after all**

Always liked this episode but then I also thought I was in a minority with that one and while reading other rewatches I realized others liked this episode as much as I do. Of course this one becomes a completely different once you are aware of the twist. It is really well written because all of Sam & Deans words and actions are ambiguous enough that the story works the first time you watch it but it is still entertaining enough the second time. Of course a lot of my love for this episode is based on the fact that it is the one and only Tricia Helfer we see here (if you never watched BSG stop everything you’re doing right now and do it immediately). 

I really liked how they used a song as a motive here, to the point that whenever we hear it is really scary because we know what happens next. Even now, years after I watched this for the first time, whenever I hear this song on the radio it reminds me of this episode and creeps me out a little bit. It is a great example of how something mundane can become frightening within the context of the story (the same happens in 3x13).

For once this show doesn’t focus on the Winchesters but instead we see the episode from Mollys POV. Instead of telling the usual ghost story (which would have been quite boring and repeating) the tables have turned and we get to see the story from the “monster” POV. It reminds us of the human nature of ghosts, that they were all people once and not all bad per se. Like Sam put it, something horrible usually happened to them, something that made them unable to let go, and over reliving their painful story they become more and more violent. (We get to see more of this with Bobbys ghost-arc in season 7) It is also interesting that Molly isn’t aware that she died and became a ghost. It makes you wonder how many other ghosts there are, trapped in their pain, who can’t let go because they never accepted their death in the first place. Also both ghosts are bound to earth because of love: Molly is desperate to find her husband, whereas Greelys revenge is driven not only by what happened to him but to his wife as well. 

Mollys story also works as a parallel to the Winchesters. Just as her they only see what they want, especially Dean regarding Sam. He as well is unable to let go and to accept an uncomfortable truth (that Sam might be destined to become evil). Seeing as Dean almost died at the beginning of the season it is quite fitting that he now acts like the ghosts they are hunting, considering that when Tessa urged him to accept his death he was unable to let go as well and was about to become a ghost. And whereas Sam tries to understand the ghosts and even express pity for them Dean just wants to put them to rest, just as he expressed that it might have been better if he had died instead of his dad. He repeats his own tragedy too and lashes out because of the pain it caused him. 

But we also see Sam in Molly. Sam tells her that a lot of the ghosts were good people once but then something happened to them, something they couldn’t control. This of course is what we see happening to the special children over and over again. They are not evil per se, a lot of them are good, but Yellow Eyes finds ways to manipulate them and turn them into the soldiers he needs. At the end Sam says that he doesn’t know where ghost go once they are put to rest, but that it doesn’t matter if he knows, the point is that he hopes it is somewhere better, that hope is the whole point. And that of course applies to him as well: he doesn’t know where his road will take him, he just hopes it is somewhere better and for now that has to be enough.


	30. 2x17

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x17

Includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

**2x17 Heart Or the one about wrong place, wrong time**

Or in other words: if Madison would have turned up a couple seasons later she probably still be alive. Like Kate. Or Garth. There is a double-standard at work here that quite logical doesn’t make any sense at all. Neither Kate or Garth are that different from Madison: they all got involuntary turned into a monster and none of them wanted to hurt or kill someone. None of them could control themselves while they are turned, something only pureblood werewolves are able to do (werewolves who were born like this which isn’t the case with Kate, Garth or Madison). Therefore Kate and Garth pose the same threat as Madison did. But the problem here is of course not the messed up mythology but the simply emotional aspect of the story.

Over the course of the seasons we will see monsters who didn’t deserve to die but were killed nevertheless and others who were very dangerous but the Winchesters decided to let them go. It is not so much a continuity error as an example of how monsters are used again and again as mirrors for the Winchesters. Their moral compass changes during the circumstances they are currently in. Which is why they are sometimes much more unforgiving and other times more willing to let go. As unjustified as Madisons death appears within the narrative of season 2 there was never any other option for her as to die. 

Of course in the end it is all Sams fault, and not just because he unleashed the “ _Sleep with Sam Winchester and die_ ”-curse upon her. Madison works as a parallel for him, which is why in the end she couldn’t be saved. Sams connection to her goes deeper than simple physical attraction. They both were turned into monsters against their will. They are both good people who don’t wanna hurt or kill anyone. Madison doesn’t remember that she killed anyone, the same happened to Sam in 2x14 (though the circumstances were different). Sam is desperate to save her because maybe it means he can be saved as well. The moment Madison realized there was no cure for her she decided to sacrifice herself in order to prevent further harm and asked someone she trusted to do it for her. In 2x11 Sam asked Dean to the same thing if he ever went dark side. At the end of Sams arc during the Kripke era, in 5x22, he as well sacrifices himself to prevent further damage (as Lucifer vessel and his role in the oncoming apocalypse) and as redemption for what he did (mostly his actions during season 4 and freeing Lucifer). Kripkes story was never one about change but about those, sacrifice and redemption. But Carver tells a different story instead, that of monsters who in the end have to accept their monstrous side and have to live with it, who need to find a way to balance out the good and the bad and let themselves not define by what they did but what kind of persons they are in the end.

Other than that Madison story could have been handled way more sensitive. Here we have a woman who got mugged, with a psycho stalker ex-boyfriend and what happens to her? Two strangers tie her to a chair. Sure they didn’t want to risk that she would escape again but couldn’t they find another way? Even as we know the Winchesters are the good guys and know their reasons it was very uncomfortable for me to watch. And then after all this Madison still had sex with Sam. Sure it turned out they were right about her and tried to save her but come on, just like that she trusted Sam again, enough to share something that emotional and physical vulnerable with him? How about no.

Also again another case where Dean is the one to judge real quickly just as his own brother reminds him that he acted completely different when Sam had supposedly turned into a monster. Oh boys, you will be the death of me (and every cute girl who encounters the [peen of death](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.supernaturalwiki.com%2Findex.php%3Ftitle%3DPeen_of_Death&t=YzZjM2Q1ZWQ2NGQxZTg2Mjg0YWE3YzU3ZDY2N2NjMTEyYjkyYTBlNyxlZk1VRFIxWg%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F127102987917%2Fspnhellatusrewatch-episode-2x17&m=1)).


	31. 2x18

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x18

As always includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

 

**2x18 Hollywood Babylon Or the one with the crack in the wall**

Unless Marie I do love meta episodes. With more meta madness yet to come I think it is fair to say this one causes only a crack in the fourth wall (who probably totally tumbled down after 6x15). Like 2x15 this episode is much lighter and one of the fews that doesn’t concentrate on the special children arc or draws parallels to it. Instead this show proves that they don’t take themselves that seriously and can laugh about themselves. I think we can also take it as a fact that this episode reveals that Sam just [invented Stanford as a cover story for what he actually did in those four years.](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/54207887780/you-can-t-save-thewinchesters-jmoosalecki)

There isn’t much to say about this episode. But something I noticed, and that we will see again in 2x19, is that Dean fits in way easier than Sam. Within a very short time Dean is part of the team, made friends there, and nobody suspects him to be anything else than a P.A. Dean is usually the one who enjoys playing roles, wearing costumes, making up a cover story. Whereas Sam mostly seems uncomfortable doing so. I think the reason for that is that Dean himself isn’t so sure about who is after all. Most of the things that are somewhat typically Dean are actually trademarks of his dad; he doesn’t just idealized him he tried to be like him (and Dean at least subconscious knows this, which is confirmed in 3x10). I think the difference between Sam and Dean here is that Sam for one thing never wanted to be like his father (but ironically ended up being more like him than Dean) and that while he was in Stanford he for once was away from his family and had time to figure out who he really is, what he wants from life, what kind of person he is outside his family. That is a natural process most people make, usually starting in their teenage years or/and when they move out. Dean never got that chance (and it is confirmed in 1x06 and 9x07 that he did have dreams of his own which included not being part of the family business). I actually think it is not until season 8 that we see shades of the real Dean, where he slowly starts to allow himself enjoying things that don’t fit in within the role of the manly hunter. But Dean in season 2 is kinda lost, especially after his fathers death and upon realizing that he should have died instead. He tries to find his role in this new world. I think another reason why Dean is so easily accepted upon the set is that this is a part of his job as well, adjusting himself to every possible circumstances. And of course because deep down he craves the feeling of fitting in, of being part of something, mostly a family, a place where people accept him and value his work. Did I say this was a funny episode? I take it all back, it is full of Dean feels.

Also: Dean is the biggest nerd ever. No argument.


	32. 2x19

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x19

includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

 

**2x19 Folsom Prison Blues Or the one where everyone is really pretty sure**

I really liked this episode for multiple reasons, not just because this is the prison AU we all secretly dreamed of. Part of the episode draws its suspense from the fact that this time the boys are really screwed and how they get out of prison. The motw-aspect is solid but nothing special. But within this we get another great characterization of the brothers and talk a bit on the matter of justice. Fun times.

But, as always, let’s start at the start. This season dealt a lot with the problematic what is evil, are all supernatural beings bad and what about human monsters. So far the Winchesters never killed a human, but we have been repeatedly confronted with the theme of evil humans. The fact that this episode takes place in a prison gives as another aspect of this theme. Dean never questioned to take this job: several people have died so far and that’s it. And while Sam probably agrees to take the ghost down, he questions if the victims were really innocent after all. We actually don’t learn why any of the inmates went to prison. But what if we find out one of the victims was a murderer himself? Within this episode we ask ourselves question that are usually debated when it comes down to whether death penalty should be allowed or not. Can we punish someone who committed a crime with the same crime (kill someone who killed someone else)? Who gives us the right and power to take a life? In a way this episode avoids further moral dilemma by not telling us what crime the inmates committed. But it also shows us that at least for Dean it doesn’t matter. No matter what they did they don’t deserve to die (but eventually this show will cross the line where the Winchesters kill humans after they found it was a monstrous thing they’ve done). The monster of this episode then, the ghost of nurse Glockner, turns out to be someone who took the law in her own hands and to be the judge and executioner in one person.

Deans reason to show more mercy than Sam is the fact that he of course associates himself much more with the other inmates than his brother. In my rewatch for the previous episode I wrote about how Dean seemed to fit in much easier within a new environment that Sam, partial caused by the fact that Dean still searches for his own identity. But the Dean fitting in into the film set in 2x18 is another case than Dean fitting in into prison. In 2x18 we see geek!Dean, easily learning new things and making new friends. But the prison is a place Dean secretly thinks he belongs. We know that the Winchester have been in conflict with the law for quite some time. They learned the hard way that you cannot always rely on the law to bring justice, especially when the majority is unaware of the world of the supernatural. So they as well take the law in their own hands. So who are they to judge? They have to make some tough decisions and they have to live with the consequences. But this is also another statement about social classes and where both brothers see themselves. The Winchesters come from the white lower middleclass/underclass. Their father was a mechanic, a typical blue collar job (but just imagine if Henry Winchester hadn’t died and John would have grown up as a Men of Letter, how much their lives would have changed). After Marys death he became an outlaw. The boys probably grew up with the notion to be wary of the police. All the jokes and romantic ideas about prison life Dean had because he watched too much television aside, this is a place he feels he in a way belongs in, not because he has done something wrong but because the way he sees himself within a certain social hierarchy. 

Sam of course is another story. We saw this in 1x19 and it is proofed here again that Sam sees himself above the social class his family comes from. Stanford isn’t the typical college someone from a worker family attends, not unless they got a scholarship like Sam. Sams different taste in food and music and the likes are all hints that he once tried to escape his old life and started to form a new identity, one that had not much in common with his father or brother. The conflict between the brothers whether or not they owned Deacon to help him emerged from this conflict as well. Deans loyalty is based on the fact that he defines himself as a hunter/part of the hunter community. A community that presents itself often as an extended family. And what is family without loyalty? Sam on the other hand sees the whole affair a bit different. With the arrival of Hendricksen things become much more complicated and much more risky. He is not willing to risk his own life (and that of his brother) for prison inmates who probably did horrible things to land there in the first place. The little exchange between Sam and Randall sums it up pretty well; Randall asks Sam what got him in prison to which Sam responds his idiot brother. Dean is the one who constantly drags Sam down, whereas Sam is portrayed is portrayed as the one who could have done better, could have had a reputable life. 

Another thing: Tiny and his story. The one who committed to have low self-esteem issues because of the way his father treated him and his brother til the day his brother killed their father. Sounds familiar? No wonder Dean liked him so much.


	33. 2x20

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x20

Buckle up, this one is a bit longer. As always includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23. 

 

 

**2x20 What is and what should never be Or the one where Dean mows the lawn and everyone is sad about it**

Because you realize in that moment that this stupid man who I unintentional gave my heart probably never mowed a single lawn in his whole life. It is all very sad. This is one of my all-time-favourite episodes, which of course means it is super painful. Here I am again, looking at my life and my choices.  
I have to admit I’m a sucker for alternative universes. I just love this trope and that this show not only did it once but several times. Though almost every alternative universe we see is constructed by someone (usually angels as they are powerful enough) to gain a certain goal. I think the only real alternative reality we see is in 6x17. Coming back to this episode I always wondered how much of it was the djinn and how much was Dean. Is it simply that the djinn took Deans greatest wish, that his mother never died, and created a reality based on it? Is all we see a simply consequence of what would have happened if Mary never died? Or is it something Dean believes would have happened? We learn that this reality has its own flaws, that not everything is picture-perfect. Is it because the djinn creates a reality that after all should appear to be real, meaning not everything can be perfect or the victims would get suspicious too soon? Or is it rather something Dean created as well? A lot of the flaws in this reality center around the fact that Dean in this reality is a dick. Just think about the things Sam mentioned he did, which is the reason their relationship is so complicated. Dean gets also repeatedly asked if he has been drinking again(!), indicating that he had a drinking problem in the past or still has one. Giving Deans low self-esteem I think it is possible he pictured himself like that. And of course there is the fact that John is still dead in this reality. Which makes no sense whatsoever (especially after we learned he died of a natural death). Why would John still die in a reality where Mary never died? Was his cholesterol level too high? The crossroad demon in 2x08 teased Dean that John would have had a long life if he hadn’t sacrificed himself for Dean. Of course demons lie, but still. I think the fact that John is dead indicates that the reality we see here was more a product of Deans subconscious than what the djinn created. But why would Dean live in a world where his father is still dead when he misses him so much in the real world? I think Dean is afraid of the confrontation he would have had with his father. All season long he expressed very conflicted feelings about his fathers death, mourning him, but he showed also anger about the way he raised his sons and the burden he imposed on Dean. But maybe even in this reality his fathers death is a punishment for Dean, as he still believes it is his fault his father is dead.

From all the people we see in Deans wishverse only Sam gets a real personality. Mary is portrayed as Dean remembers her: loving and caring. She remains as the image Dean had of her when he was four years old; he never had the chance to see her as an adult himself, to stop seeing her as mom and start seeing her as real person, with flaws, with hopes, and dreams and fears (but he will finally in 4x03). Jess doesn’t say or do much (though her hair looks way more perfect than in 1x01… Dean this not how curly hair works). Dean only met her once and he could have only gathered how important she was to Sam in the way Sam reacted to her loss. And then there is Carmen. Isn’t it strange that instead of say Cassie or anybody else Dean actually met in the real world he choose a complete stranger from a beer ad to be his girlfriend, even calling her the one. In a way this episode tells you everything you need to know about Dean and relationships. Carmen is the embodiment of a dream girl. Everything she said or did centered around Dean and his needs. She supported him the whole time and though she showed concern for him as well she never asks him if he was drinking or the likes. The only thing we do learn about her is that she works as a nurse, something Dean calls respectable. Dean who probably thinks in the real world someone like Carmen would never date someone like Dean (and giving that this episode indicates Dean is giant dick with a drinking problem in this world he might be right). Dean has a tendency to put people on pedestals and giving them a hard time if the screw up. He easily overlooks little flaws and tries to avoid conflict as much as he can. So of course instead of choosing an actual person he knows as his girlfriend he goes for a nameless dream girl. And in many ways Lisa later becomes this dream girl in the real world.

So Sam. I was actually glad that we saw a reality here where the brothers didn’t get along. Because Dean faces an uncomfortable truth here: that he and his brother are quite different and that if it wasn’t for hunting they wouldn’t be that close. Their bond was forged by growing up under extreme circumstances, but if you take that away, what is left? One of Deans greatest fear is that Sam would leave him; in the real world Sam is everything Dean has left. In his wishverse he places Sam in Stanford still with Jess. He believes that this is where Sam was the happiest (a place without his family) and part of him probably feels guilty for dragging Sam out of that life. I wonder if Sam told Dean he wanted to marry Jess or if Dean simply guessed and included it in his dream (the way Sam hardly ever talked about Jess I would say he didn’t). This is actually a common trope with alternative realities; there is always a twist, a “ _careful what you wish for_ ”, and “ _you can’t have one without the other_ ”. With Mary alive Dean would have never had the strong bond with Sam he had in the real world. But Sam is still happy here, so it is a sacrifice Dean is very willing to take.

Even more Dean forms the plan to try to fix things with Sam. He believes for a while that the djinn indeed granted him a wish, that he was given a second chance. The reason he changes his mind is that at one point he realizes that without him and his brother hunting a lot of innocent people would have died. His first reason to investigate is because he can’t live in a world where they are dead, not because he doesn’t want to die because of what the djinn did to him. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t say Dean actively wanted to die. But he was more than tempted to stay. Of course one might say that in a world without the Winchester brothers as hunters there might still be enough hunters who could have saved those people. When it comes to Dean we see a strange king of hero complex; it is not so much about praise but the feeling to be sole responsible for the fate of the world. In 5x11 the doctor we later learn Dean hallucinated asks him how many people he has to save. Dean tells her all of them. In the end he returns to his fathers grave, talking with himself rather than John, because he already knows the answer. “ _Your happiness for all those people’s lives, no contest._ ” That is the mantra he has heard all his life, first from John, later from himself, that his own desires and needs don’t count, that he is not allowed to rest or settle down if it means people are in danger. That he can never be happy, because he is not worth it, because his life doesn’t count from the beginning.

Before the big season finale this show gives us an episode that sole concentrates on Dean. It gives us a great insight how he sees himself and his current emotional state. And it gives us an answer why he is so quick to give his own life in order to save Sam. He had to give up so much to lose Sam as well.


	34. 2x21

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x21

Includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

 

**2x21 All hell breaks loose part one Or the one with the hunger games, supernatural edition**

And here we are, with season two coming to an end. This is the only time we actually see a two-part-story. But even though the two episodes are clearly connected, they both work as standalone-episodes plotwise. There is a big bunch of mythology dropped on us here, with the emotional aspect left for 2x22 and mostly portrayed from Deans perspective. 

So, let’s get this started. Of course this whole mess just started because Dean wanted pie. We then enter supernaturals very own version of the hunger games. And of course this bunch of kids with all their freaky powers don’t decide to simply work together but kill each other instead. There is no I in team, creepy version. What’s interesting is that Sam and Ava are the only ones whose powers are passive rather than active; they have no control if and when they get their visions. It also seems to be the at least evil power or one that you can’t abuse. I think the reason the show gave Sam such a power was to make sure he still remains the good guy. With a power like his he wasn’t tempted to abuse it and it also fed his helper syndrome. It also made sure he would met other special children and with his knowledge as hunter would draw the right connections. Ava of course serves as Sams big parallel. Not only do they share the same power but the same tragic loss with the dead of their respective partners. Ava shows us a possible future for Sam if he hadn’t had his brother. Then of course the big tragic irony is that even after Yellow Eyes death the story continues and Sam in the end gives in and embraces his dark side with drinking demon blood and strengthening his powers. This season and this episode as well deals with the theme that everyone has a weak spot/ a point where they break and give in; for Ava it was her fiances death, for Jake the threat to his family. For Sam in the end it is the loss of his brother (who ironically made the deal because Sams death was revealed to be his weak spot… did somebody say co-dependency?).

Speaking of Ava… I wondered if she had started to drink demon blood in the meantime? Sam was only able to exorcise demons after he started drinking it, so I guess Avas new abilities needed a power source as well? And what about the acheri demon? A demon we never saw again and which kinda doesn’t fit in into the demon mythology we know. Anyway, all of the special children here could have been Lucifers vessel in the end… which means they all were related to Abel & Cain? They all had a sibling who could have served as Michaels vessel? During season 5 it seems like it always had to be Sam & Dean as Lucifer & Michaels vessel, but here we have all those kids with the same potential. Or maybe Yellow Eyes really just needed one of them to open the gates of hell. Still, a dead Sam Winchester doesn’t fit in into the grand plan… maybe if he had stayed dead Castiel would have resurrected him instead? Maybe all Dean had to do was to wait 4 months? Either way, I like the idea of Ava as Lucifers vessel and I also think that Yellow Eyes was secretly rooting for her… she certainly was cruel enough and would have said yes to Lucifer way faster. 

Some other revelations: we learn that Sam had been given demon blood as an infant. Sams perception of himself, that he can never be clean again, that he carries something dark inside of him, starts here. Also Jess had to die in order to make Sam start hunting again. Obviously Yellow Eyes had watched enough movies over the years to know that this move always works; every hero needs a dead girlfriend/wife to avenge. Mary strangely enough was, as Yellow Eyes put it, just bad luck; wrong time, wrong place. There is a moment where it was revealed she knew who Yellow Eyes was and I remember watching it for the first time, a big question mark forming over my head and it wasn’t revealed until 4x03 why she knew who that demon was, which is way too long (and don’t want to say they forget about this story element but… yeah, that’s totally what I’m saying). Also Yellow Eyes says there are other generations; in 1x21 we saw him possibly infecting another infant but somehow the show never got back to that either (or we have to wait a couple of years until little Rosie is old enough… to become Lucifers new vessel… and the ride starts again).

This is the last time we see the roadhouse and I read somewhere Eric Kripke never liked the roadhouse, so that’s the reason it had to be destroyed and I’m just… how about no? I liked the roadhouse and what it stood for, namely the hunter community and place where they could met and trade information. Of course with hunters like Gordon Walker things could go either way, but still the concept was good and it was the only other recurring set next to Bobbys house. Of course it also meant Ash had to die. Forever bitter about that just as Andys death. Speaking of deaths… this is the first time a Winchester officially dies (John doesn’t count *shhhh*). Back then when we were actually concerned for a whole week because we didn’t know about the Winchesters magical ability to always come back from the dead. They really got me there. But now we’re wiser.


	35. 2x22

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 2x22

Includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

 

**2x22 All hell breaks loose part two Or the one were Winchester family issues ruined the world**

More dark plans are revealed and finally we get some Winchester manpain. It is interesting that as much as the mytharc is centered around Sam the emotional arc is almost completely carried by Dean. I wrote before that 2x20 in a way works as preparation for this episode: we got a look into Deans state of mind, seen how tired he was of the life he has and that he thinks he has given enough. It’s repeating here with Deans “ _You don’t think I’ve given enough? You don’t think I’ve paid enough? I’m done with it_ ”. Of course he doesn’t just mean his life as hunter but his life in general; Deans djinn-dream wasn’t so much about his own happiness but rather that his family was safe and alive. Even more so, he refers to it as his job; the only job he ever had: keeping Sam safe. That’s what his whole life focus on since he was four years old, and everything else, every dream he had for himself, can never be as important as this. And after his fathers death it became even more his fix point; he couldn’t save his dad but he can save his brother. Losing his brother feeds his innermost fear: that in the end everyone he loves will leave him, that he is not worthy enough, that it is his fault they are dead (Sam on the other hand thinks everyone around him dies because deep down he is evil/cursed… same issues, different reasons).  We even get to the point where Dean, after he made the deal, tells Bobby that finally his life was worth something. By making the deal in 2x01 John gave Dean a gift he never wanted, instead it filled him with guilt, knowing his father died for him, believing he never deserved to still live while his father was in hell. By making a deal now Dean can trade this gift again, finally his live is worthy something, he can exchange it in order for Sams life. Deans knows firsthand how it feels to live with the fact someone made such a huge sacrifice for you, how it can tear you apart, but here he does the very same thing to Sam. In the end it’s not only the loss of Dean in 3x16 but the knowledge that Dean died for him that brings Sam to embrace his dark part; unless Dean in this season he has nobody left to carry that burden with him.  And that’s the tragic irony of this episode; even after all the other special children died, after Yellow Eyes is dead, after it seems as Sam was saved, he still fulfils his destiny in freeing Lucifer and becoming his vessel (story twist: he also saved the world). Everyone breaks eventually, and for Sam it’s when he lost his brother.

Jake on the other hand agrees to work for Yellow Eyes because of the threat to his family, though later as he got the colt and had the chance to kill Yellow Eyes he didn’t because of the promise Yellow Eyes offered him: that of wealth and a bright future. I think it made Jake a bit shallow; up to that point his motivation was understandable, though we didn’t like the fact he killed Sam we could see why (and yeah it is the very same reason why Dean made a deal, so don’t judge). Anyway, Jake was seduced by a bit more than Turkish delight, opens the gates of hell and is a bit surprised to see good old Sam again. In the long history of Winchesters coming back from the dead this doesn’t happen that often. I mean Dean was officially dead for four months during season three and four but obviously word doesn’t travel that fast in the hunter community because nobody seemed that surprised to see him again. Maybe they all know that cheating death is kinda their thing. Also Jake was able to control Ellen before he died. How was that possible? He said he was giving in, not fighting his powers anymore (just as Ava before), but is that all? I mused in my rewatch for 2x21 if Ava had started drinking demon blood; if Jake did the same thing he didn’t had much time for it. Or were their powers tied to Yellow Eyes and after his death Sam needed a new source of power to train his abilities? After all Sam was never able to control a human or a demon like Ava did in 2x21. Sam killing Jake also led to the question if Sam came back 100% pure from the death; within the episode the question is asked by yellow eyes to provoke Dean, but with episodes like 3x11 and 3x15 and then Sams whole season four arc it’s worth thinking about it (then again Sam might always had a dark side within him and it is only within the prospect of losing his brother and after his actual loss that we see that side of him). 

Overall I really liked the idea of the giant devils trap, the colt as a key to open the gates of hell and that it needed a human corrupted by demons to do so (I also forget there was a time in the Spn universe where the gates of hell weren’t open and demons weren’t an average thing). Thanks Ellen for helping figuring it out (all hail the [pretzel angel](http://northern-sparrow.tumblr.com/post/128084060342/the-pretzel-angel-theory)) and the writers for not killing her. And Johns arc had some sort of conclusion (did he go to heaven? Are shitty abusive fathers allowed in heaven? But then again they let Kevin Lay in as well).

In an epic season finale we saw how one single persons decision can change the fate of the world. If Dean never made the deal he would have never went to hell and broken the first seal, and Sam would have never become desperate enough to start drinking demon blood and break the last seal, Lucifer would have never been freed, the apocalypse never started, both of them were never vessels. Without Johns deal in the first place Dean wouldn’t even be alive to make other deals and John was only around because of deal Mary made. Part of her deal was of course to agree to let Yellow Eyes in Sams crib, leading to her death. Without her death none of her family would have maybe become desperate enough to gave their lives to save each other. The greatness of Yellow Eyes as a villain is how he used the love of this family for his very own interests, how he found out exactly how to break them and make them do what he wants. Or to say it in his own words:   _“I couldn’t have done it without your pathetic, self-loathing, self-destructive desire to sacrifice yourself for your family._ ”


	36. Recap Season 2

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Recap season 2

**Recap Season 2**

I have to admit that for years I always considered season 1-3 of Supernatural (also known as the Cas-less years) as not that interesting. It wasn’t until my rewatch that I realized that season 2 is indeed rather great (still not a huge fan of season 1 and season 3 still feels odd to me, but maybe because they had to tell their story not in the way they wanted with the writers strike and everything). While season 1 still searched for its voice and was written to attract a more general audience, season 2 is more characteristic. We know the characters by now, and now it is time to focus more on the mythology. The story of the special children wasn’t that new considering the genre and neither were the questions of identity and morality asked within this arc. Still it was played out good. The mix between mytharc-episodes and motw-episodes was balanced out rather well and I think we saw in this season a formula that by now became somewhat typical for this show, whereas themes from said mytharc or rather from the emotional arc of each character are going to be paralleled in the motw-episodes. It is of course a structure we see in many other shows as well, though I don’t remember that it has been used that much in season 1. 

At the end of season 2 we finish the mytharc that started in season 1, which makes it one of the few mytharcs that span over more than one season (Deans MoC-arc did this as well). With the dead of Yellow Eyes it felt that this storyline ended for good and with opening the gates of hell we started a new one as well. But I think with the beginning of season 4 we kinda come back to it, with Sam giving in to his dark side, finally using his powers and then of course in season 5 with the revelation of his status as Lucifers vessel and the realization how big and complex Yellow Eyes plan was after all. I wrote about in my rewatch for 2x22 before that this is the tragic irony of this story, that after a season where we wonder if Sam can be saved, and after the end of said season we think that yes he was, he will still eventually break. This show was always about family but it also shows us the desperate lengths one can go in order to save their family.

This season also introduced us to the idea of a hunter community, with the introduction of Ellen and Jo (and the roadhouse) and with giving Bobby more space/upgrading him to a recurring character. I really liked this concept and then they burned down the roadhouse and kinda dropped this idea until season 5 where we finally see Ellen & Jo again (in a cruel twist of careful what you wish for). We also met Gordon Walker, showing us hunters come in all kind of flavours. 

Speaking of Gordon, I mentioned before that this season dealt with themes of identity and morality. One constant theme was the monstrosity of humans and that supernatural doesn’t always equals evil. We met several evil humans, though the show avoided that the Winchesters killed one of them (that was usually an officer of the law), up to 2x22 where Sam killed Jake, asking the question if Sam might came back wrong from the dead (of course within the special children story the question remained how human they were after all). The show left the black-and-white-morality of the first season and showed us the complexity of being a hunter and that sometimes it seems impossible to make the right choice. 

Another theme was the law and with Victor Hendriksen finally someone smart enough to chase the Winchesters. This theme has been somewhat dropped in the later seasons, though realistically the Winchesters should be still in a constant conflict with the law. I really liked this extra complication of their life because it made their lives more realistic. 

The most tragic storyline was Deans ongoing depression and the knowledge that he should have been dead/that his father died for him along with the burden to save Sam or kill him otherwise. It’s Dean suicidal state that leads him to make a deal in 2x22, that makes him say he finally sees the light at the end of the tunnel in 3x01. I personally think this storyline isn’t resolved until the end of season 3, where we have Dean finally admitting that he doesn’t want to die. His mourning process takes time and his depression doesn’t disappear by miracle. It shows his struggle and efforts in a realistic manner and for that I’m grateful.

**Favourite episodes:**

**1**. 2x20 _What is and what should never be_  
 **2.** 2x01 _In my time of dying_  
 **3.** 2x15 _Tall tales_

  
 **Favourite Quote:** “ _Your happiness for all those people’s lives, no contest. Right?’ But why? Why is it my job to save these people? Why do I have to be some kind of hero? What about us, huh?_ ” (dean, 2x20 What is and what should never be)

 **Favourite Music Moment:** The Animals – House of the rising sun (used as theme in 2x16)

 **Favourite recurring character:** The Roadhouse gang (Ellen, Jo & Ash)


	37. 3x01

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 3x01

**Trigger warning for talking about depression and suicide!!!**

Includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

  
**3x01 The magnificent seven Or the one where nobody wants to play with Winchesters anymore**

Off to season 3. I’m not a huge fan of this season, I admit it, and part of it is that they probably couldn’t tell their story the way they wanted with only 16 episodes and had to make a lot of compromises. I also got the feeling this season is somewhat brighter, regarding the general colour scheme, but maybe that’s just my opinion. Anyway, here we are, with the gates to hell opened and Dean with one year to live.

Let’s talk about the seven deadly sins first. I have to admit I kinda expected more. I’ve seen the deadly sins featured in several shows and I general like them and what they represent, so I was excited once I realised what we’re dealing with. But although they had some powers regular demons don’t have they weren’t that impressive. The whole fight/showdown either wasn’t that thrilling. The most interesting aspect was Envys little speech, telling us that after all the sins just represent natural human instincts. We all carry at least one of the sins with us, but what makes us human after all is that we’re fighting them on a daily base, trying not to give in and behave above our instincts. Id and super-ego if you want. Also Pride knew who Sam was, calling him the prodigy and boy king. That’s interesting because in 2x21 and 2x22 it seemed as all of the special children could have taken upon this role, though Yellow Eyes wasn’t lying when he said Sam was his favourite. And Greed seemed to know Ruby (who isn’t introduced as Ruby yet). This is some foreshading for the great plan. I wonder if Ruby was a big name downstairs? Either way, both Sam and Ruby are well-known to big names as the deadly sins, though it is later (in 4x22) revealed that nobody knew the exact extent of Rubys plan. Also the show used women fighting over shoes to show us Envys powers which is just a really bad clichee. 

Tamara and Isaac. I think this is the first we see a married couple as hunters on this show (and the last time). Of course they have a tragic backstory. Of course Bobby knows them. And it seems word travels fast in the hunter community, as they already know the Winchesters were responsible for opening the gates of hell. Which is why they don’t want to work with them. Given how many seasons and episodes this show has there is overall a lack of hunters working together with them, most of them recommended by Bobby. I wonder what kind of reputation they have by now. Isaac is the first casualty caused by the Winchesters and a painful reminder of how big the mess is they started. 

Speaking of the amount of demons now free that might be a reason they introduced Rubys knife. Otherwise half of the episodes they would be doing exorcisms. Though as this episode reminds us some people survive demonic possession. The knife might be a faster way to kill them (and as it seems they are gone for good and not just sent back to hell) but by killing them that way they always kill a human too. After the Colt Rubys knife is another wonder weapon, although the Colt is useless by now without the bullets. I think over the years we kind of forget how rare this kind of weapon is, until Henry Winchester came back and reminded us. Of course it is part of Rubys plan; by giving Sam and Dean such a powerful weapon she wants to gain their trust, making herself vulnerable at the same time, and so in an ironic twist she is killed in the end by her own knife. 

And now we come to Dean. I already wrote in my recap of season 2 about Deans ongoing depression and his suicidal state and that this in the end made him make the deal (as well as his inability to live without his brother). In this episode he states again how tired he is, repeating a theme from 2x09 and 2x20. In 2x09 he was ready to die with Sam, and in 2x20 he expressed how tired he is of his life as a hunter, how he sacrificed enough. Here we have a Dean who acts carefree most of the time, even willing to take great risks during their case, because he is going to die anyway. He states at the end that he feels good, for the first time in a long time, and though it seems bizarre given his situation I don’t think he is lying, or at least not completely. Of course a great part of it is denial, but that is not all. In many ways Deans deal can be interpret as a suicide pact. It is quite common that people who suffer from depression seem to improve once they set the plan to kill themselves, acting happier and more carefree. In their eyes their pain will finally come to an end*. And this is exactly how we see Dean here. He refers to it as a light at the end of the tunnel. Ever since the aftermath of 2x01 he felt wrong, with the knowledge that he should have died and that his father died for him. By making the deal he sets things right and saved his brother as well, giving his life a worth he didn’t feel before by exchanging it for something he believes is worthier than he could ever be. Sam of course relives now everything Dean felt the previous season, knowing his brother is going to die and he’s the reason why. It’s gonna be a though ride. 

*I’m not an expert, I just read several articles where this kind of behaviour was explained. Of course every person who suffers from depression behaves different and individual.


	38. 3x02

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 3x02

Contains spoilers for later episodes, up to 10x23.

 

**3x02 The kids are alright Or the one that’s a giant nope**

And with nope I mean the changelings. If someone would ask me what the creepiest episode/monster in the history of this show is this it would be. Creepy children always get me and those are by far the worst. The whole scene where the mom tries to drown her own child (and just imagine how terrified you must be to do this to your own daughter) and then she’s back still haunts me. I recently read a [great meta about Supernatural and suburban gothic](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/128515415557/obsessionisaperfume-f-ckyeahfutbol) and I think this episode here displays it very well. There is certain stepford-vibe coming from the changeling-children; the way how they pretend to be normal kids, utterly dependent on their mothers, is frightening. Another aspect is that this kind of horror doesn’t have a place in the picture perfect world of the suburbs. When Katies mom tells Lisa about her suspicion that her daughter is not herself anymore Lisa is outraged. I think this also shows that in our society there is a big taboo for mothers to be anything than perfect, that means to love your children anything less than unconditional. Mothers aren’t allowed to speak bad about their children or in this case to be afraid of them. It is a perfect hunting ground for changelings because there is already an atmosphere of silence; they can be sure not to be caught because none of the moms would dare to speak about the change of their children in the first place. 

This episode is ultimately about Dean, which is way I totally forget that Sam had a storyline as well, if only a short one. We learn that Sam knows nothing about his own familys history. Big surprise… said nobody ever. After two seasons where we witnessed John Winchesters great parenting this isn’t a big shocker. I think I wrote about it before that is kinda odd that the whole Winchester family is only dad and his two sons, no grandparents, aunts, uncles, the likes. John left everything behind, which utterly made his sons completely dependent on him; where else could they have turned to? It also reminds us that John probably never talked with his sons about their mom, never mentioned her friends or relatives. Other than that we meet Ruby again (who actually still has no name so far). Though she is revealed to be a demon it is kinda hard to hate someone who refers to fries as deep fried crack. Anyway the great thing about Ruby (no matter the meatsuit) is that we can never be quite sure if she really wants to help Sam or just manipulates him up until 4x22. Ruby is one of the most ambiguous characters until her final reveal, written in a way that it is really hard to tell her real motives, and it starts right here. And actually knowing her plan made rewatching her arc even more fun. 

So let’s talk about Lisa and Dean, all right. Up to this episode they both remembered the other as part of a really great weekend (and just stop for a moment and imagine what they did that Lisa refers to Dean as the best night of her life…), but that’s it. Both change their perception of each other; Dean because suddenly Lisa is a mom, and Lisa because Dean turns out to be a hero (after she probably thought of him as creepy stalker and total nutjob… and who could blame her?). I wondered at the time what it was about Lisa that she had such an impact on Dean, when it was revealed he dreamed about her in 3x10 and she became his romantic endgame at the end of season 5. Why for example not chose Cassie with whom he had an actual relationship? Why Lisa? Because Lisa is a mom. Lisa not only represents the prospect of a long-term-relationship but that of a family and a real home. In the early seasons of this show women only existed in two categories: as mom-characters (Mary, Ellen) or as love interests. More simplified the sinner and the saint, a formula that actually emerges from the western genre. Most women are presented within the realm of hook-ups, making them the sinners. The first mom we saw represents the saint as no other; Mary (come on the name alone) in her white dress giving her life to protect her child. The moment Dean learns that Lisa is a mom he is making her a saint as well, idolizing her in the way he did with his mother. Lisa becomes quite literary his dream girl. And at least for me the tragedy of season 6 is that once Dean got his apple pie life I think he was more in love with the idea of Lisa than with the woman herself. This is also shown in the way that Lisa never exists without Ben. Dean (and therefore we) never sees her as a person of her own but only ever as a mom/part of a family. The outstanding detail of Lisa is the fact that she has a child, and though it is established he is not Deans the idea that he could be manifests in his mind. They represent the life he could have had, and this time it is not only out of reach to him because of his life as a hunter but because of the deal he made. Even if he gave up his life as a hunter he still can’t have this life. It is interesting that the theme of the apple pie life and Deans secret wish to have exactly this are more prominent in seasons where he thinks he is about to die: in season 3, 5 and 10. Although things have changed a bit in season 10; after his year with Lisa Dean realized that this life isn’t for him, still he expresses the wish for changes in 10x16, while not to settle down to have a long-term-relationship for certain. Either way this is a great episode that simultaneously explores the horror of the suburbs and Deans rather complicated desires to be a part of something he actively rejected for the better part of his life. Hold my feels.


	39. 3x03

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 3x03

**As always includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.  
**

**3x02 Bad day at black rock Or the one where Robin lost his shoe**

  
One of the many reason to love Ben Edlund (come back to us, please). This episode  is almost slap-stick-like, and the reason we can change the usual dark tone so much is its simply nature of a genre show: however weird the idea is, you can get away with it. No need for too much logic in a world where too many things are things. Which causes some iconic moments and an almost light hearted episode for this show. Of course good things never just happen like that, there is always a price to pay, so of course the rabbits food turns out to be really dangerous more than anything else. Never trust something that seems to be too good to be true.

This episode doesn’t focus so much on the brothers and the usual boy melodrama, instead we see the beginning of two arcs that will follow us around through this season: the threat Gordon still poses, and of course Bela. On the brothers side we learn that although Sam knows Rubys offer (she finally got a name) is a trick, he is desperate enough already to use every help he could get. We also learn that John used to have a storage locker and of course he never bothered to tell his sons about it (what a big surprise). It makes you wonder how many other hunters might used a storage locker as well:  a lot of them are always on the road, so what happens to them if they die? Just imagine an episode of storage wars full of lock-ups filled with cursed boxes and the likes. Anyway, Sam and Dean each find a memorabilia from their childhood their father kept: Sam a soccer trophy and Dean his first shotgun. Which is kinda characteristic for their childhoods, because unlike Dean Sam was allowed to have a childhood, if only for a brief time. Dean on the other hand spent his time making guns. He seemed enthusiastic enough finding it again, but from episodes like 9x07 we know that Dean didn’t experienced his childhood/teenage years as ideal, so I think once he accepted that he would never be something else than a hunter he forced himself to change this memories into something good. It’s such a small scene but still it tells you a lot about the brothers and their dad and how they grow up. 

So Gordon. Who is still in prison, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be a threat for the brothers, especially Sam. Of course he works in this episode through Kubrick and Creedy. I actually found Kubrick an interesting character. He is very religious, on the edge to fanatic, and I wondered how many other hunters are like that? All the hunters we met so far seemed to be atheistic, and shared Deans approach on faith: they only believe in what they can see. But with all the evil they encounter some might hope there are good things as well. If the devil exists why not God? We know that the reason Sam believes is that he hopes there might be some sort of salvation for him, that he can be saved. We don’t explore the reasons for Kubricks faith that much, but we see him instantly believing in destiny when Sams bad luck leads him to him. It’s ironic that Kubrick, who is clearly intended to be a comical character, is right about a lot of things: there is a grand plan, a destiny and God, and though Sam might not be the antichrist himself he is his vessel. Close enough. With both Ruby and Gordon/Kubrick mentioning Sams powers again it is clear that the story we thought had ended with Yellow Eyes death continues. Also in the beginning of the episode, in Gordons conversation with Kubrick, the later mentions a devils gate has been opened, which sounded to me as if there are more than one. And how did Gordon knew about it in the first place? From the same demon he tortured to get information about Sam in the first place?

So let’s talk about Bela. Of course once you know about her past, about everything that happened to her and made her the woman we see now, it is impossible to rewatch her episodes and not see her in a completely different light. She is one the reasons I wish this season would have been longer; her complex story deserved more space, and it would have hopefully allowed to writers to go a bit deeper. But here she is and she is awesome. And British. Along with Crowley and Rowena every recurring character from the UK is evil. I wonder why that is. Ahem. With Bela the world of the supernatural gets a bit more diverse. Of course with objects like rabbits foot sooner or later there would be a black market, and people like Bela. Thieves. Pardon, great thieves. It makes you wonder how the brothers or Bobby usual get all the stuff they need to their job, for example ingredients for spells. And of course objects like the colt have a value you can’t express in money. That doesn’t mean some people don’t try it anyway. Unfortunately after season three we never see someone like Bela again, or mentions of a black market. In 9x18 we see there are shops who sell stuff hunters require (though we never see Sam or Dean shopping in one of those) and the MoL bunker is probably stuffed with all kind of things as well. Still, I think we saw in season two and three a lot of ideas to expand the world of the hunters, which are never used again. 

All in all a great episode, which introduced some great ideas/themes the show unfortunately never sticked with.


	40. 3x04

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 3x04

Includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

**3x04 Sin City Or the one where Dean is myth-taken**

(Yes, I stole that joke from Buffy. Sue me)

This is one of those episodes I kinda forget about over the years but rewatching it I realized that it does a lot of groundwork for the mythology of the show. The most interesting part of this episode was the conversation between Dean and Casey, both trapped, and therefore forced to talk. Instead of the usual action sequence this talk changes the pace of the episode, slows it down, which is maybe why I forget about it. That means in no way it was a boring episode – quite the opposite – but different than the usual motw-episodes.

So where to start? Maybe with the sin city itself. Where, as it turns out, nobody was actually possessed except of two. Which tells you a lot about the human nature. And it repeats a theme from 3x01 where humans where described as animals. This season features demons quite more than we’re used to, with one of them as a recurring character as well. The reason is simple:  it is a result of the opening of one devils gate. But with that it also makes us constantly compare humans with demons, asking what is so different between them? The humans in this episode act in way several hunters believed them to be possessed. The actual demons turn out to be… well not nice, but in love. They’ve been together for centuries (maybe they were already a couple when they were still human) and Casey tells Dean that she doesn’t think he was weak for making the deal to save Sam. Maybe because she can understand the reason why he did it? Of course it comes full circle in 3x09 when Ruby reveals that every demon was a human once and that Dean will turn into the very thing he hunts once he goes to hell. 

This is also the first episode written by Jeremy Carver, so we shouldn’t even be surprised by the homoerotic subtext. I’m talking about Richie of course. Who is also the second random hunter we met this season who won’t survive the episode (after Isaac in 3x01). There is something about him and Dean meeting that’s suggestive, at a time when Sam was at Stanford with no mention of John, implying he wasn’t around. They hunted a succubus, a kind of demon who seduces her victims in their sleep. And they are both hyper masculine or pretend to be (Richie in a way is an exaggerated version of douche!Dean). Also Richie introduced the girl in the beginning as his stepsister, and seconds later Dean introduces Sam as his brother. Which is true, but giving that Richie used the word “sister” to hide what she really was it implies that Dean did the same with Sam, or at least that is what Richie might have thought. In other words: Dean your bi is showing.

Like I said the most interesting part is the conversation between Dean and Casey, so let’s get back to that. We learn all kind of new things, for example that Yellow Eyes had a name, Azazel. And of course it is the first time Lucifer is brought up, and therefore angels as well. Of course at this point of the story it is all just a big myth, something some demons believe in, revealing they have faith as well (and isn’t it interesting that Dean admits he liked to believe in God? It’s not a total backflip, but you know… something). But it is important that Lucifer is introduced with this actual name, that Casey even corrects Dean when he calls him the devil, translating his name to light-bringer and telling the story of his fall and that he was an angel indeed. I know Eric Kripke didn’t originally wanted to add angels to the mythology but with this piece of information how could he told the story of Sam as Lucifers vessel without angels? There is more than one version of the devil, but here they chose this instead, the one with the fallen angel. In for a penny, in for a pound. With Lucifer as angel they couldn’t tell their story without adding angels to the mythology, and God knows I’m glad they did. 

The other thing about Lucifer is that he is revealed as the father of all demons. Casey says he made them into what they are and that they believe he returns, bringing a new order with him (sounds familiar?). Little do they know about how Lucifer actually thinks of demons, not as his creations but rather as a big screw you to his father, with no hesitation to kill them if it serves his cause. If humans are beneath angels, and demons are beneath humans, than what are demons to an angel? But we see that demons and therefore hell has a certain hierarchy, that there is structure and order and somewhat common goal, not that different than the way heaven is organised. Some demons of course only do whatever they want but some follow a greater plan, ready to sacrifice themselves for their cause. Which again makes them more human then how it first appears. Also another time boy king Sam is mentioned. The way Father Gil talks to him, telling him it seems he could do great things, maybe applies to this, that some demons still believe Sam could lead them, as we learn that Sam was supposed to be Azazels second in command. (And then Father Gil calls Sam his brother’s keeper… massive foreshadowing? I say yes, just for shit and giggles) In the end both Casey and Dean want to spare each other; Casey because she might didn’t see Dean as a threat, Dean because he tell himself he wanted to save the girl the demon possessed.

Of course in the end Bobby and Ruby save the day. Ruby teaches them how to make bullets for the colt, giving them another weapon that could kill her, in an attempt to trust her. But then again she might wanted to use the colt to kill Lilith, who knows? Dean thinks that the way Sam killed the two demons was cold, wondering if something is wrong with him, if he indeed came back wrong from the dead, as Azazel told him in 2x22. Ruby on the other hand reminds Sam he has to do things he doesn’t want to, that there will be collateral damage, telling him she will be the little fallen angel on his shoulder (and isn’t that fitting now that we’ve heard about Lucifer for the first time). I wrote before that the tragic irony of Sams story is that after one season where we wonder if Sam can be saved and in the end he doesn’t give in like all the other special children did, he still will nurture his dark side. And it doesn’t happen after Dean dies but right here, in his desperate attempt to save his brother. This arc ends in 4x22 but it starts way sooner, Ruby leaving the bread crumbs that will turn Sam into the monster she needs him to be.


	41. 3x05

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 3x05

Includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23. Though this is the last rewatch I will actually post during the hiatus, I will continue to tag them as “spnhellatusrewatch” and “spn hellatus rewatch”.

 

**3x05 Bedtime stories Or the one where Disney got it all wrong**

This episode was okay, I guess. I liked the theme of the fairy tales, but at the same time I felt like they could have done more with it. Now fairy tales in general are fascinating; those stories are hundred of years old, with a long oral tradition, before the brothers Grimm wrote them down to record what they found was an important part of their national culture. In many ways those were the first urban legends or at least the first that were written down and published, so that they could live on. And just as Sam mentioned a lot of those stories were sanitized, not only when they were made into Disney movies, but by the brothers Grimm already. They weren’t meant for children original, but as a moral compass for the adults. And I think it is impossible to tell a story about fairy tales without telling a story about storytelling as well. Like I wrote those stories have a long oral tradition, so there is never just one version of each story. They are also all part of a cultural heritage, without an author; those stories belong to everyone. It is therefore rather fitting that the next time this show features a fairy tale, Hansel and Gretel in 10x12, we learn that the story has been told wrong, or to say it with the theme of season 10: “The story became the story.” We do see this focus on the narrative in this episode as well, though not as explicit as in 10x12. Within the episode we see the darker tone of most of the stories, showing us the original version rather than the sanitized Disney version. And that is of course because we see these stories through Callie’s eyes: traumatized through the own horror she went through all she could see were the cruel aspects of those stories instead of the happily ever after. She found herself within a story, snow white, but unless her Callie never got her happy end, so none of her victims gets one either.

Along with the territory comes Dean-I’m-a-manly-man-Winchester, who asks his brother if he could be more gay, after realizing his brother knows his fairy tales. Projecting a bit much? Dean pretends that he doesn’t recognize any of the fairy tales, which I don’t buy for a second. Because I’m pretty sure Sam didn’t start reading fairy tales as an adult, he just heard them as a child and remembered them. And who if not Dean would have read those stories to him? (Because with everything we do know about John we can eliminate him.) It would have put him into the role of their mother, replacing her once again, and so Dean’s association with fairy tales being gay could be also interpret as being feminine (because the stereotype Dean grew up with certainly defined gay men as feminine). It is interesting then that when he refuses to kiss a frog Dean puts himself into a role of a woman, that of the princess. Today fairy tales are considered for children, and associated with the idea of romantic love as a happy ending. And just as Callie Dean never got his happy ending as well; he had to grow up too fast, forgetting about the magical appeal of those stories, and rebranded them as silly.

With Dr. Garrison we see a father who is unable to let his daughter go, and who still treats her as the child she once was, reading fairy tales to her. The ghost that appears of her still looks like her eight-year-old self; her spirit and her body don’t match, she is a child trapped in a body of an adult. The parallel of the story is quite clear: just as the doctor Sam is unable to let go Dean. What is interesting is that among the brothers Dean is the one who assumed the role of a parent, treating his younger brother ever so often as a child and showing an unwillingness to accept that Sam is an adult as well. And it was his inability to let Sam go that made him make the deal in the first place. Now we have a role reversal, it is Sam’s turn to save his brother, no matter the cost. But within the episode the question raises how to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved? Callie started to hurt people because her father was unable to give her the peace she demanded. Throughout the seasons we see the brothers dying more than once, always coming back from the dead, and the traumatic effect it had on their relationship. They never learned to let go, to grief, to cope with their loss. Instead their co-dependency got to the point where they are willing to sacrifice everything and everyone for each other (10x23).

The episode ends with Sam and the crossroad demon. She tries to hurt him with suggesting that Sam would be better off without Dean, stronger (hello boy king theme) and maybe even a bit relieved when he is gone. She calls Dean needy and desperate but here we see Sam acting this way. And though Sam tells her to shut up, it makes one wonder how much truth were in her words. Sam tells himself the story he needs to hear- fitting into the theme of the episode- that he is the good brother, saving Dean, repaying his debts for all the times Dean saved him. But even Sam is aware how dangerous this makes him, what lengths he would go. It proves in the cold murder of the demon; though her death was morally right it was untypical for Sam. And within our own fairy tale Sam transforms more and more from being the hero to becoming the villain.


	42. 3x06

# Spn (hellatus) rewatch - Episode 3x06

Remember how the goal was to finish this during the hellatus? Yes? Yeah, me neither.

As always, includes spoilers for later seasons, up to 10x23.

 

**3x06 Red sky at morning Or the one with ghost ships (not to be confused with shipping ghosts)**

Ok, let’s all stop for a moment whatever you’re doing (unless it is reading this) and imagine an AU where the Winchesters helped Bela break her deal and learn about her past and over the years they stumble into each other and work together and form this weird kind of friendship, where they still not friendly to each other, but save each other asses. Also, because this is Bela, all of their cases take place in the high society and they all wear fancy suits and dresses. Imagine it. Because we do get a glimpse of it here and the glory of it. (Also, because this is a “Imagine Cas with character xy”-blog, imagine Cas with Bela. You’re done? Good.)

So let’s start this rewatch with the less interesting part: the motw. Ghost ships are just not my kind of thing (sorry Lizzy). I am convinced by now that the reason it was introduced is that during their investigation we learn that  Bela killed a family member, which obviously puts her into the villain category (until of course we eventually learn the reason for that and put her in a blanket instead). But still the monster or rather ghost feels weirdly unconnected to the Winchesters and their issues, even though we learn that the motive for our ghost were his very own brotherly issues. This is one of the episodes that next to “Bugs” and “Road 666” are always claimed to be the worst episodes of the show. I don’t think it was that bad, but still the motw-aspect is not doing any favours here.

This is another episode with Winchesters vs social class: it takes places in the high society and clearly the Winchesters don’t belong there. Still it seems that Sam fits in easier than Dean (just like in 1x19) and I always contribute this to his time in Stanford. I bet among his friends he was one of the few who got there with a scholarship; most of them were there because their parents could afford it, so Sam learned to fit in. We also see both Winchesters reduced to being sexual objects: Sam through Gertrude and Dean through Bela. And though this show very often displays moments that could be seen as sexual assaults or rape, I don’t think this episode fits in here. Sure they were uncomfortable (well, mostly Sam), but to me it felt as a reverse of the male gaze. Women live in world where they are constantly objectified, so this time the tables have turned.  
Of course the brother’s arc is continued as well. It starts in the beginning where we learn that Dean knows about Sam using the colt to kill a crossroad demon, which yeah, didn’t help anyone (except maybe Sam’s anger issues). They lay their issues to rest until the end, where we get Dean’s weird little speech about how Sam will continue living his life, how he is strong enough, and that Dean is sorry for putting him through this. And Sam is pissed. And really, can we blame him? Because just as he says instead of worrying about his brother he should start worrying about himself. He should give a crap about his own life. He should admit he is afraid of dying. He should start trying to break his deal as well. He will get there eventually and then it is almost too late. So Sam’s line earlier, that it seems lately he can’t save anybody, refers to this as well. He can’t seem to save his brother; but the most heartbreaking thing? Is that Dean doesn’t even want to be saved.

And we get to Bela aka the good stuff. I mentioned this before but rewatching season 3 is a complete different experience than watching it for the first time, if we just take characters like Ruby and Bela for example and knowing about their future (Ruby) and past (Bela). Knowing about Bela’s past makes the whole episode super painful. Like I wrote before it puts the whole she-murdered-a-family-member-aspect into a complete new angle. We also get this little exchange:

> _DEAN: Hey, Bela, how’d you get like this, huh? What, did Daddy not give you enough hugs or something?_
> 
> _BELA: I don’t know. Your daddy give you enough? Don’t you dare look down your nose at me. You’re not better than I am._

Ouch. They have both been through the same (in both cases the abuse was hinted but never fully explored… although it is not necessary, nothing could be worse than what the viewer imagines). The difference of course is that Dean had Sam to look after, someone he was responsible for and worth taking sacrifices for. We also know that Bobby had been a part of the boy’s life very early, so that might have helped as well. Whereas Bela was completely alone, with nobody to turn to. It is implied that her parents were rich and probably very powerful as well, so even if some people were aware (like the housemaids for example) they wouldn’t say a thing and protect here. Bela asking for help is a big thing, because she learned that the only person she could ever rely on was herself. And with the Winchesters denying her help at first it just proves her right. Her traumatic childhood made it incredible hard for her to trust anyone, yet alone strangers. And her comment about them being nothing better than serial killers, motivated by nothing but revenge? That is her primary experience with hunters so far. They are driven by vengeance, brutal and violent. So I don’t think she looks down on them because of class-related motives but out of a deep internalized fear towards violent men.

Some unrelated things: Is there a reason they stayed in a house instead of a motel? They did this in season 7 when they were on the run but why here? Couldn’t afford a motel? Also, the moment Bela arrives this show becomes more British with all those Oscar Wilde and Dickens references. And then of course this episode is massive foreshadowing: first time Cain and Abel and Castiel are mentioned. Coincidence? No such thing. I bet there is a deeper meaning. I just haven’t found it yet.


	43. 3x07

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 3x07

Remember the great Spn hellatus rewatch I started last summer? Yes? Well, now that it is hellatus again I will continue. Let’s see how far I come.

Includes now possible spoilers for season 11. ~~This is all Lizzy’s fault.~~

**3x07 Fresh blood Or the one with the razor wire**

I think even with now eleven seasons done, this is still the episode with the most gore. Or at least it’s in the top five. I dunno. Either way, I always have a hard time watching it. This is a really dark episode, not just because it marks Gordon’s final appearance but also because of the emotional states of the brothers and the choices they made. It’s a lot to take and I sometimes feel there isn’t much discussion about it (or maybe I didn’t see it) and we just forgot over time.

We start the episode with Bela, who tells Gordon where to find the Winchesters for the right prize. It isn’t surprising she doesn’t react when Gordon threats her life, after all she is going to die anyway. We see the same kind of behaviour with Dean in this episode, who is taking more risks than usual, knowing he is going to die as well. Of course at this point we don’t know yet Bela made a deal too, so her behaviour in comparison to Dean’s could be seen as a clue. I don’t think Bela knew just how dangerous Gordon is, or else even she might have acted different. Once she learned about her mistake she helped the brothers. Say what you want, but this girl pays her debts.

Thematically it makes sense to use vampires as the monsters for this episode. For once because they are Gordon’s specialty. But also because these monsters are a lot about choice, transformation, and ultimately also about family. This episode also continues the theme of morality and morally right choices. We started this show with the Winchesters having a strict black-and-white-morality. This changes in 2x03, the episode where we first met Gordon. He as well sees things very strict in two categories: good vs evil, us vs them. Until we meet vampires who might not be that evil after all (hello Lenore). And in some ways we come full circle, though in a bad way. We meet another vampire, a young woman named Lucy (enter Mercedes McNab, whose fate it is to play vampires and nothing else). We learn that she unknowingly transformed into a vampire while drinking vampire blood, which she thought was a new drug. By all means she is a victim. Yes, she killed, but even then she thought she was hallucinating. 2x03 showed us not all vampires turn into monsters. And later in the episode Sam reminds Gordon that even as a monster he still has a choice. But Lucy doesn’t. They kill her, without even discussing if there is any other option.

I’ve read a great meta some time ago about Dean’s constantly changing morality over the course of the season (you can read it [here](http://thoughtlessthinkythoughts.tumblr.com/post/75658553109/there-is-a-way-to-see-deans-attitude-towards-the), thanks [@justanotheridijiton](https://tmblr.co/msbbZom6stVUaSwCo2j0eeQ) for the link ). From grey (Benny) to strictly black-and-white (Amy in 7x03). And how it often says something about Dean’s state of mind. Whenever he is feeling really low he takes no prisoners. Season seven of course was an all-time low and so is season three. But purgatory and Benny? That’s a different story. In season three though Dean’s recklessness could be also seen as some foreshadowing. Even though we don’t know yet that Dean’s deal means he will slowly turn into a demon while being in hell his decay is already there. Lucy’s death fits right in into the atmosphere of hopelessness and despair and the season’s mantra that there is no way out.

And this brings us to Gordon. And another hard choice. Because Sam and Dean agreed that they have to kill Gordon even before they know he has been turned into a vampire. I get the reason why they decided Gordon had to become a vampire, other than tragic irony. For once it transforms him from a metaphorical monster into a real monster. But (and that takes us back to the morality of the show) ultimately the boys have the moral high ground in killing him while he is a vampire. We even get a response from Dean who thought Sam would argue against killing Gordon because he is still human. But Sam agrees. Gordon at this point is the kind of dangerous that no prison can hold down; the only option seems to be to kill him. Again we get to a point where it seems there is no choice. Gordon is already a monster before he gets transformed into one. Still, even though the Winchesters agreed on killing him, it would have changed the show drastically if they would have killed him while he still was a human. I think so far they never killed a human, it is a line they haven’t crossed yet.  Each time a human got killed it had been by an officer of the law. And this is because so far the brothers have been portrayed as heroes. This depiction will change in season four.

The theme of choice comes up again in the final fight between Sam and Gordon. Sam reminds Gordon that he still has a choice. This was the big theme of season two. That you don’t have to be evil, that you can be the master of your own fate, that there is always a choice and free will. And so it is fitting that Gordon who never believed that there could be any good in Sam (even though he never witnessed Sam doing something bad), but believed in destiny instead, fully merges into his role as monster. He kills innocents, even his friend Kubrick, to fulfil his last mission, the one last good thing he thinks he can do: killing Sam. He admits that he is no longer a hunter but a monster. He says he and Sam are alike, that they both have evil in them, but his actions show us that in the end he is the complete opposite of Sam.

And then Sam kills him. With a razor wire. Cut to 6x19 and Dean who retells this moment as one of his baby brother’s proudest. Sometimes this show doesn’t make sense.

On an unrelated note, Gordon talking about using his new vampire skills to do something good (= killing Sam) reminds me oddly enough of Garth, who wanted to use his werewolf powers to be a better hunter. I never thought I would compare Gordon and Garth. Garth wins. Every round.

Of course this wouldn’t be Spn without some emotional brother issues as well. And so the vampires aren’t just used as metaphors for choice and free will but also for family. Because they have nests, you know. Not so different from the Winchesters after all. And so our vampire/drug dealer serves as a parallel for Dean as well. Talking about facing eternity alone. About how he doesn’t care anymore. How he feels like he is already dead. Rings a bell, Dean? And Sam just stands there, watching as his life turns into a television episode with not so subtly concealed parallels. Ahem. Which of course gets us to the big emotional talk. Aka Sam telling Dean he has been looking up to him since he was four, always wanting to be like him. That he knows his brother better than anyone else. And that he wants nothing more than for Dean to drop the act, that he wants his brother back. Someone hold me now.

We end the episode with one of my favourite music moments: Bad Company’s “Crazy circles”. And Dean showing Sam how to fix the Impala, because he won’t be around forever. The whole scene had something about a father showing his kid all those things. And well we all know that Dean had been more like a father to Sam than his actual father. Which makes this even more heartbreaking.

Until next time and some Christmas shenanigans.


	44. 3x08

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 3x08

Contains spoilers for season 11. FOR REAL! You have been warned.

**3x08 A very supernatural Christmas Or the one with the Samulet: An origin story**

Thank God, it’s Christmas. Real talk though, I’m a sucker for holiday themed episodes. Supernatural is unfortunately a show that lacks in that direction. I’m used to annual Halloween/Christmas/Hanukkah, alright? Whereas with Supernatural we have in eleven seasons exactly one Christmas episode, one Halloween episode and surprisingly two Valentine’s day episodes (is this show secretly the romantic comedy we all want it to be?). Then again Supernatural managed to create one of the saddest Christmas episodes ever, so maybe it is better that way.

This episode is really strong on the brotherly angst department. I mean there is a case, there is even a false lead (man, I would have loved an evil Santa), but ultimately this is about the brothers. And to make things even a bit more heartbreaking we get some Wee!chesters on top of it.

So let’s talk about the case first before we go there. Of course in a Christmas themed episode the monsters turn out to be pagan Gods. Which actually makes sense. The revenge of the pagan. And after 1x11 it is the second time we meet a (non-Christian) God. This is before season four introduced angels and with that the Abrahamic God. So at the time I first saw this episode I just thought the Supernatural universe contains various Gods from different mythologies, but not the (Abrahamic) God. Because the guy from the bible? If my religious education doesn’t tell me wrong he didn’t tolerate any other God besides him (just go ask his sister about it). But here we have all kinds of Gods, with the only rule that our God (let’s call him Chuck) is the most powerful. It probably makes sense if you stop thinking about it. But back to our Gods aka Madge and Edward. I totally loved the Stepford imagery. Nothing scarier than Gods who lesson you not to swear while they try to eat you. It’s wonderfully over the top, from the cold opener to the part where Sam & Dean kill them with a Christmas three. I think if any show can pull this up, it’s Supernatural.

And because it would have been too much fun to leave the episode like this have some brother angst to get things emotional again. There is a little competition which Christmas is the saddest, the one in the past, or the one in the present day, but in the end present day clearly wins. So let’s visit the ghost of past Christmas first, shall we? To nobody’s surprise John isn’t around. I only noticed this now, but the pagan Gods only killed the dads and granddads of the families, never the mothers or grandmothers (or the poor children who had to witness everything). With this episode reminding us what a horrible dad John was I think this might have been deliberate. It is never confirmed or denied if the victims had been bad dads (though at least they were at home for Christmas), but I think the killing of fathers is meant to be metaphorical (and 3x10 is not that far away).

So John is doing whatever he thinks is more important than spending Christmas with his family, leaving his kids completely alone. And from Sam and Dean’s conversation we can gather it is not the first time this happened (well, we already saw that in 1x18). But it’s not just leaving the boys alone, they are sadly used to that, but leaving them alone on important dates just like Christmas. Dean defends his father, not only for Sam’s sake but his own. If he keeps repeating the same story long enough he might believe it one day. We learn that Sam wasn’t aware of monsters/hunters/the life until he was eight years old. He had the illusion of a normal life, even a normal childhood under their circumstances. And I think Dean envied him about that. In 1x18 he was sad that the little boy (Michael?) had lost part of his innocence after learning about monsters and in 7x04 he tells Jo that hunters are never kids. For what it’s worth Sam was allowed to be a child for a little while.  

It’s pretty clear from their conversations from the present day that Sam & Dean remember their childhoods quite differently. Dean tries to focus on the good memories and even more so, he tries to turn the bad ones into good ones as well. The thing is he knows as much as Sam that their childhood wasn’t the best, but his coping mechanism over the years had been to create a different kind of story, one without an absent father, but a superhero instead, who fought off monsters every night. John probably never needed to justify his actions to Dean, because Dean already did that for him. And he did it for so long that even as an adult he fails to see their childhood and their father for what they really were. And this makes me believe that Dean was younger than eight when he learned about monsters. Dean had always known, since the night his mother died. Because Sam’s reaction after learning the truth couldn’t have been more different: instead of seeing his father as a superhero he starts to fear for his life and that of his family. And we know that Dean was afraid of the very same thing, because the myth of the invincible John was born because of it. Because Dean needed to believe it.

The other subject that briefly comes up is their mum. Sam mentions her, and immediately Dean gets angry and tells him to never talk about her again. It is clear that the boys never talk about her, neither with their dad or amongst themselves. Mary remains a mystery in Sam’s life and a constant wound in Dean and John’s life. Sam of course was too young when she died to remember her. And in a way it seems like Dean wanted to keep her and the memories he had of her to himself. It might seem selfish, but I don’t think you can blame him for it. He was just a child and that was his way to deal with her death. If someone is to blame it is John (again), for raising his sons in a way that they were too afraid to bring her up. In a way he let her die again, letting the memories of her wither.  

Our trip in the past ends with the Samulet. To be honest, before this episode I have never given the thing much thought. It was just there, until it suddenly became the symbol of brotherly love. And of course it is quite telling that the giftt that Sam intended to give his father ends up being Dean’s gift. Because he is the one who raised him, who was always there for him, who made the sacrifices John should have made.

And I think it is because of that memory that Sam in the present day changes his mind about Christmas. He realizes everything his brother did for him, how he despite their upbringing tried to make some good Christmas memories for his baby brother. So who is Sam to reject one of his brother’s last wishes? I told you, it is the saddest Christmas ever, watching the two of them celebrating while knowing there won’t be another Christmas for them again (spoiler: there will be, the angel from the top of the Christmas tree is going to save you).

And because I don’t want to end this review on a total sad note, let’s talk about the gay part of this episode: Sam & Dean pretending to be a couple. Or rather Dean pretending Sam is gay and/or emasculating him. We have seen this before in 2x11 and Sam’s sudden interest in dolls (of course after Dean wondered why everyone thought he is gay). This time it’s the wreath. The classic Dean-projecting-his-own-issues-on-others-move. It wouldn’t be Christmas without it.

Until next time, kiddos!


	45. 3x09

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 3x09

Contains spoilers for later seasons, up to 11x23! **  
**

**3x09 Malleus Maleficarum Or the one that’s downright unsanitary**

Ahhh yes, I’m still not over the fact that the worst thing for Dean about witches is their hygiene. This and that they kill poor little rabbits for their spells. I mean they also kill humans, but Dean has his priorities right.

This episode marks a big turnaround considering the mythology of the show. It is the first time we encounter witches. The first time Lilith is mentioned, though not by name. We learn that witches get their powers through demon deals, and that all demons were human once. And that Dean can’t be saved and eventually over time will turn into a demon as well (ok, it takes another six seasons to get there, but still).

It actually took quite some time for the show to introduce witches. This might have to do with this season’s heavier focus on demons (after 2x22 they are practically everywhere) and how witches and demons are intertwined. This lore stays pretty much the same over the next seasons. That is until season 10 and our one and only Rowena arrives, who introduced the concept of natural gifted witches. Because of her character there has been a heavier focus on witches and witchcraft in the last two seasons. I actually liked the whole arc of the Grand Coven and their enmity with the MoL, and I hope the show will pick up this storyline again and explore it a bit more (at least the MoL will probably play a bigger role next season). Even though we got to a point where it seems that for every problem the Winchesters might face there is the right spell. Rowena ex machina, you might say.

Anyway, the thing is, I always liked witches. I grew up with stories about witches, books and shows and movies. I loved “Sabrina, the teenage witch” and “Charmed”, and ‘til this day I have a pretty obsessive detail knowledge of Harry Potter. So to me, witches are supposed to be the good guys (or gals, whatever). Whereas Spn pretty much sticks to “all witches are evil”, with only one execption (James from 8x15).

I don’t even know how the fact the Winchesters use spells as well falls into that. Clearly they never made a deal – well at least not to get powers that is – and I don’t think they are natural gifted as well. So some spells just work like that, it seems? You might just need some mojo for the big stuff? Who knows. Not me.

This episode also continues a theme that was pretty big in season 2 and just recently came up again in 3x07: the human monster. Sam even says so himself about the witches: “they’re human, they’re like everyone else”. Just like Lucy in 3x07 was a victim more than anything else, we can say the same here about Elizabeth and Renee. They weren’t actually aware what they got themselves into. They might have just done it out of curiosity, but in the end  they paid with their lives for it (and as they both made a deal I guess that means they are in hell right now… wouldn’t it be fun if they return as demons one day on the show?). And it is heavily suggested that Tammi killed Amanda alone, as both Elizabeth and Renee believed that she had committed suicide.  That is important to think about considering the fact that both Sam and Dean agree at one point that all the witches have to die. But then again they obviously thought the whole Coven was responsible for Amanda’s death.

Either way, the question remains: is it okay to kill a human, knowing they did something horrible as killing somebody? So far this line hasn’t been crossed. Either the law intervened or the decision is taken from the boys in one way or another (in 3x07 Gordon was already a vampire by the time Sam killed him and here it is Tammi herself who kills her Coven). But even though the boys are only discussing the question so far it takes the show into a darker direction. Even more so as it is Sam who suggests it this time. This is something so out of character for him that even Dean gets worried. He is no longer acting like himself and this brings us once more back to 2x22. Not only is Sam supposedly role in the apocalypse mentioned again but it brings us back to something Azazel had asked Dean back then: what if Sam came back wrong from the death? While I don’t think that is true, we see how Sam becomes more reckless with every episode, something that will continue over the course of season 3 and will find its tragic end in 4x22. And that is because Sam is scared, downright terrified. It is his way to deal with the fact that he will lose his brother and there is nothing he can do about it. He even admits so himself, saying that he needs to change in prospect of the things ahead of them. That his new reckless behaviour is him trying to be more like Dean. But in the end Sam becomes way more like his father than his brother. That’s the difference: Dean is ready to sacrifice himself for his brother, whereas Sam is ready to sacrifice everyone else for Dean.

I think it is pretty clear that Sam trust Ruby now, or at least is willing to work together with her. This might be the first time where we see at least one brother being okay working with the enemy in order to achieve a greater goal. Ironically it is Dean who finds some sort of connection to Ruby in the end, though it is his tragic fate that brings him closer to her. She tells him that there isn’t really a way to save him and that sooner or later hell will turn into a demon. I think until this point Dean might have had a small hope there could be a way to save him. But what is even worse than dying or going to hell is the knowledge that he will become the very thing he despises the most. Dean, who is so tragically beautiful human, will eventually lose all his humanity. Ruby tells him that she is different, that she does remember how it is to be human, and that that is the reason she is helping them. We know now that she lied about her motive here, but the question remains if she lied about remembering being a human? Is that possible? We do explore the connection between demons and humanity a bit more in the Carver era. First with Meg and her connection to Cas (they met in the middle – Meg remembers how to be human and Cas longs to become one), later with Crowley and his newfound “feelings” and then of course through demon!Dean (which brings us full circle). It certainly presents demons in a different light. Yes, they are evil, but they weren’t born like that, they were made. And that’s what makes their stories so tragic.


	46. 3x10

# Spnhellatusrewatch - Episode 3x10

Contains spoilers for later seasons, up to 11x23. **  
**

**3x10 Dream a little dream of me Or the one that’s a bad acid trip**

I really like this episode. It’s not only one of the best episodes of the season, but also of the show. It cements a great change of Dean’s personal arc both in season 3, as in the show on general. This episode focuses heavy on Dean, which might be the reason why I like it that much. But let’s start at the beginning.

The main topic of this episode of course is dreaming, which is actually a plot device Supernatural doesn’t use very often. Except of this we kind of never see the boys dreaming. The only other instance I can recall right now would be Dean’s nightmares in 7x04 and 10x09. Other than that dreams are only mentioned in the way that we know that both boys have been suffering from nightmares, which is really no surprise with the life they are living. But true to the genre of the show, we not only see the boy’s dreams here, but we explore them and hell, analyse them to death.

We start the episode with Sam, drinking in the afternoon, a rather untypical behaviour of him. He feels guilty for not being able to save Dean, and at the same time he accuses Dean that he doesn’t want to be saved, asking him why he cares so little about his own life. Both of these themes will later return in the dream world. But Sam is right when he says you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. And that’s the major step for Dean in this episode, getting to a place where he not only wants to be saved, but thinks he deserves it as well (which fits nicely with both 1x12 and 4x01, where Dean indeed gets saved from death, but doesn’t think he deserved it).

Let’s start with Sam. His role in this episode is the smallest. He is also the only one whose dreams we don’t get to see. Except of course Sam’s dream of Bela. I don’t know what it is about Sam, but his type seem to be the kind of woman who try to kill him or at least have the word “dangerous” written all over them. We do get to see Sam all awkward and flustered around Bela, which is great for comic relief, but seems a bit out of place. This isn’t leading anywhere, has no importance for the plot and doesn’t tell us a lot about Sam. It feels like it is only there to show us the contrast to Dean’s dream of Lisa. And of course Dean asking Sam if he dreamed about Angelina and/or Brad. Projecting a bit again, Dean?

In stark contrast to that we see a bit more of dark Sam at the end of the episode. Even though we don’t see it, it is implied that he killed Jeremy in his dream. Which would count as the first human they kill? Sure, Jeremy hasn’t been innocent, he was a killer himself, and technically he had supernatural abilities (he described himself as a God in the dreamworld), but I wonder if there was no other way than killing him? Seeing that “Mystery spot” is the next episode I feel this is a deliberate foreshadowing of the very dark Sam we get to see there. Also Bobby wonders if Sam had used his psychic powers to defeat Jeremy in the dream world. We don’t know for sure, but it is important that Bobby mentioned them again, as we know that dark Sam in season 4 will use them.

Speaking of Bela again: not much happens here as well, other than Bela stole the Colt. Which makes sense, in terms of plot. Because the Colt has always been too good to be true. A weapon that can kill every supernatural being? Back in season two its power was restricted because there were only a couple bullets left. But now that they found a way to produce new bullets the Colt would have been a constant deus ex machina.

The other character next to Dean we get a little bit more of an insight is Bobby, as it is Bobby trapped in his own nightmare that starts the whole episode. Up to this point we don’t know what it is that got Bobby into hunting, and in true Supernatural fashion it turns out to be an utterly tragic story. What a great surprise. We also learn that the boys weren’t aware of this. Bobby isn’t to blame, nobody would like to talk about it. It seems like there is a silent rule in the hunter community: don’t ask, don’t tell. A great deal of hunters have equally tragic stories how they got into hunting, so if they don’t tell them on their own terms you just don’t ask.

I wonder if Bobby’s backstory has been always in the back of the writers minds, or if they just came up with it for this episode, because it parallels great with the boys own story. We learn that Bobby’s wife got possessed and that he killed her, as he didn’t know how to save her back then. He still feels guilty about it, guilty enough that in his dreams he thinks he deserves that she kills him. There is a really important line she says to Bobby: _“If you’d loved me, you would’ve found a way [to save me]!”_ This of course is how Sam feels about Dean: guilty because he is not able to save Dean, failing him as a brother. Which ironically parallels Dean’s arc in season 2, where he was the one not being able to save Sam, which led him to make the deal in the first place.  It seems to be a Winchester problem, adopted family included. Speaking of, it is the moment Dean tells Bobby that he is like a father to him, that makes Bobby snap out of his dream. I think this might be the first time Dean tells Bobby that, and it gets more significant as this episode is full of abusive fathers (both Jeremy’s dad & John Winchester), seeing as Bobby is clearly the opposite of it.

There is also the visual storytelling when it comes to Bobby’s dream. The boys at first don’t recognize Bobby’s house, as it is cleaner and tidier than they remember. All the colours are brighter. This is the way Bobby’s house (and soul) looked like while his wife was still alive. Without her all the colours drained, and everything got covered in dust. Also Karen Singer (whose name we technically don’t know yet) wears a white dress, probably a nightgown, making her another woman in white. I think it is fair to say that wearing a white nightgown is like a death sentence in the world of Supernatural.

So, let’s talk about Dean, shall we? (If you think this is already long, buckle up). Before we get to the heavy part, let’s start with something I noticed during this episode: Dean’s references to drug use. When Jeremy first tells him using the dream root was like a bad acid trip, Dean seems to know what he is talking about. And later, when they actually use the dream root themselves, he makes the reference of synching up Pink Floyd’s “Dark side of the moon” to “The Wizard of Oz”, what of course refers to smoking weed. This is not the only time Dean refers to drug use and he also seem to have no restrictions when it comes to the use of all kind of pills. It is fair to assume Dean had his share of experimenting with drugs, whereas Sam didn’t (unless you count smoking oregano as well, right Sammy?). This makes sense as Sam is the one who tries to follow the rules, who is the one who tries to earn money the legal way, who wanted to become a lawyer after all. In contrast to Dean, who sees himself as someone who lives by his own rules, who did associate himself with the inmates in 2x19, and who has a disrespect for the law and the police, as he thinks they don’t make their jobs right. (Of course the Winchesters vs the law is mainly Dean vs the law)

So let’s get to Dean’s dreams, shall we? Of course it is quite telling he doesn’t want Sam in his head. I mean they are brothers, they spend 24/7 together, but even Dean wants some privacy. And what’s the dream Dean doesn’t want Sam to see? His little domestic fantasy with Lisa and Ben. I already wrote about Lisa and Ben in my rewatch for 3x02, how the reason Lisa became so significant for Dean was her son, who could have been Dean’s son, representing a life he never had and he thinks he can never have. Here we see Lisa becoming literary Dean’s dream girl. And whereas Sam’s dream of a woman was mostly about well sex, we see the complete opposite here with Dean. There is nothing sexy about this dream, just Lisa and a picnic (and the next time we see a picnic it is with Amelia, waiting for Sam, which was metaphorical his dream world). And even here she mentions Ben, because to Dean Lisa never exists on her own, but only with Ben, completing the family. On top of that we have Lisa declaring her love to Dean. That’s pretty heavy and the complete opposite of “gumby girl”. And Sam knows it. He is painfully aware of Dean’s longing for a normal life, a long term relationship, a family. I think it is this moment that makes him forcing Dean to go to Lisa at the end of season 5.

And the best at last. Because Dean vs Dean is still in my all time favourite list of scenes in this show. It was during my rewatch of season 1 that I realized that John has always been a shitty dad. It’s been in the subtext of the show from the beginning and often enough in the text as well. There was never a sudden change in the way John was written. What changed though was the perspective of the brothers and how they saw their dad. That is a huge difference, because even though we see the show through the brother’s perspective, we don’t always have to agree with them. Especially not when Dean again and again apologizes for his dad’s behaviour. And this is the first time he actually really calls him out for all his bullshit. This is huge. Because so much of how Dean sees himself is influenced by his upbringing and how he thinks his father saw him. Of course there are times after this episode where Dean yet again idealizes his dad. It’s complicated. And it doesn’t reduce his development in this episode.

Of course we can’t talk about abusive dads without mentioning Jeremy’s dad. We learn that Jeremy got hit with a baseball bat as a kid by his dad, causing his inability to dream (and ironically Jeremy tries to kill Sam with a bat as well). Metaphorical his father took his dreams away, just the way John took Dean’s dreams away: Dean couldn’t afford to have dreams or a life of his own. So Jeremy didn’t dream for years, which certainly would explain the crazy. And just how Dean’s dreams aren’t his own anymore but that of his dad, Jeremy can only dream as long as he walks in others people dreams.

Dean then confronts himself; he is his own worst nightmare. And man, Dream!Dean isn’t going soft. He tells the truth as it is, harsh and ugly. How worthless Dean feels, how he hates what he sees in his mirror. How come he cares just so little for his own life (the same question Sam asked him in the beginning). But then it is not much of a life worth saving. Because everything that defines Dean (his car, his music etc) belongs to his dad. That he has no life, no dreams of his own. That all his life is centered around Sam, that he was never more than a good little soldier to his dad, obeying his commands, taking care of Sam. And if his dad didn’t care whether he was alive or not, why should Dean?

> _“[Because] my father was an obsessed bastard! All that crap he dumped on me, about protecting Sam! That was his crap. He’s the one who couldn’t protect his family. He- He’s the one who let Mom die. Who wasn’t there for Sam. I always was! He wasn’t fair! I didn’t deserve what he put on me. And I don’t deserve to go to Hell!”_

It seems like Dean did carried this around for a long time, but was always too afraid to say it out loud, trying to be a good son instead. But here he acknowledges that what his father did to him wasn’t right, that he put his own responsibilities as a father on his son instead, that it was Dean who raised Sam, whose childhood was stolen. And that he deserved more. A life of his own. Dreams of his own. Normalcy. Love. Acceptance. And that the way he was brought up, the constant reminder to take care of Sammy, led him to make a deal in the first place. But now he sees that he doesn’t deserve to die, he doesn’t deserve to go to hell and become a demon. For a short moment Dean can accept that he is a good man, that he always tried to do the right thing. That it is okay that he wants to be saved. That it is okay to ask others for help. That it is okay if he wants to live. His greatest fear though? Not dying, but what he becomes afterwards.

It’s a great change in the course of this season. Dean’s indifference towards his upcoming death (or rather his act) changes into Dean finally accepting that his life is worth saving. In the long history of Dean feeling worthless it marks a great step of Dean becoming his own man, of him accepting himself. Of course over the course of the show we see Dean in new personal lows, so let’s celebrate this baby step for what it’s worth.


End file.
